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All Clear In The Rear 12/29/09

30 Jan

12/28/09

Happy Holidays to you all. Recently in an effort to put on makeup and wait for Landon to potty, I had a little incident. I stand up quickly unaware I left the medicine cabinet open. $$#%%$#%# DAMN that hurt. Just one clumsy act after another. Cirque de so lame. I recover quickly as I am so used to injuring my self. I am fixing my hair when I notice my color job is botched in the one area — a deeper russet hue in this one little patch. What the heck! ah… huh… are you kidding me… as much as I pay…. I cannot believe this. Upon closer examination, I realize I am bleeding. I have cracked open my head – indeed I did — on the medicine friggin’ cabinet. Damn makeup — root of all evil I swear. No wonder I have a headache. You know I have done this once before. I opened the car door so hard once I smacked it in to my forehead. Sounded like a pumpkin hitting the ground and produced a pretty impressive gash. And again, I opened a cabinet so hard I whacked my head. Next morning I went to the eye doctor because I was nauseous and was seeing stars. Turns out I gave my self a little concussion. Please do not attempt this at home.

3 weeks ago I had the brakes done on my car. Well…. the steering column was also shaking and making noise when it would rise up and down at the start of the car. So of course the car is now out of warranty — but I ask them to please check it out, but to advise me of the costs. I am prepared for a very large fee. Finally the lady comes back to review the charges and has the strangest look on her face. I am nervous. She says “I have to tell you I have never seen this one before” Oh God — here it comes. Ma’am the technician has his findings here. I read: “skittle candy lodged between steering column and dash. Removed Skittle. No longer making noise or vibrating.” Culprit? One almost 3 year old.

Okay so…. about a month ago, I escaped long enough to go for a workout– my little slice of heaven (sick but true). I complete my cardio, walked all over the gym and finally go to the free weight area (or as I like to call it, boy heaven). I am doing my AB work and notice I am being noticed. We all know that my mojoe level was validated recently, so…. you know I am feeling pretty good. This man, well you know he is really very focused on me. Of course I say to myself “I look good, yes I do…” in a sing songy sorority sort of way. So he continues to stare, looking as if he wants to say something but just not sure what. Shy… ohhh… that is kinda sweet, especially in this day and age. I reach back to wipe the sweat off my back only to find an 18 inch piece of toilet paper hanging out the back of my pants. OMG OMG OMG. Can a sista catch a break here — 45 minutes and not one soul could break step to tell me I have a roll of Charmin running down my butt. Looking for a new gym now.

We have had some excitement here lately. About a month a go, a man hit the telephone pole in my front yard — knocking power out for hours and moving the pole a good 4 inches. Then 2 weeks ago, I hear a pop. Landon is sleeping so I tiptoe through the house looking for the culprit. Alert on the left corner. Oh.. its okay… it is just a car in my yard. What….the …. HEY! This 16 year old girl has ended up three feet from the door. I mean I could have reached out the window to collect my toll money. And the other girl in a brand new Audi (still with dealer plates) was so ticked, she was using curse words in combinations and varieties the likes of which I had never heard. Must have been a sailor in a former life. Landon, ever worried about her mother’s safety, slept through the entire thing.

Landon is doing great – in to everything and repeating every word I say. She is so inquisitive. She asked me last week why my panties were triangles. “well honey… Target was out of the square kind”.

We just got a new TV (HD etc.). I am very excited as it weighs 60 pounds less than my previous combo model (TV, DVD, VCR –yes VCR). We really had to get a new TV. Lot of reasons…. one being that she fed the VCR some crackers because it was hungry. The other being that my friend told me that if I ever wanted to have a man over, I would need to have a TV that weighs less than him. 🙂

On Christmas Eve we go to Church. I bought Landon a beautiful angel costume to wear – really breathtaking. Well we are late, but only like 2 minutes – because it takes a lot of time, energy and bribing with PEZ to get an almost 3 year old into the angel costume. This is a very small church. I am guessing there were all of 70 people in the congregation (and that was a full house). We try to tiptoe in but you have to go right down the center aisle where the pastor is standing. I sort of mouth…. “sorry”. He says “come on in”, nothing big going on here , we are just discussing the Baby Jesus – but you come right on in. Shoot me now. Pushing Landon to sit she screams to the preacher “LOOK AT MY COSTUME!!” He says “I know it is just like mine”. So much for a quiet entrance. At communion, he told her Jesus loves you and she took her bread and said “dip…dip…dip” in the grape juice and then “Mommy! Its licious!” She wiggles, squirms, kicks and eats her way through the 58 minutes and we leave. She is still so fidgety and runs away not listening to me (shocking I know). I grab her and scold her for running off. She proceeds to scream and cry which brings stares from 20 of the congregants. Nice! She says “I want to hug her…. I want to hug her”. She is pointing; but, I cannot tell to what. She runs away again to the pastor and points – “her, that her”. Well again I feel like a jerk.. the “her” in question is the pastor. She wants to hug the pastor and thinks the pastor is a girl because he has a robe on. Scotch at home – 10 minutes away.

We wish you a wonderful 2010, full of peace, joy, and no Charmin hanging from you butt.

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1 Comment

Posted by on January 30, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

One response to “All Clear In The Rear 12/29/09

  1. katy

    January 31, 2010 at 9:32 am

    elevating the mundane to hilarity once again!

     

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