RSS

Monthly Archives: April 2010

Operation Bring Home Tennyson – Troops Fall In

Heading out on Saturday to Moldova.   YAHOO!  I arrive on Sunday, pick her Monday.  Tuesday we fly to Romania.  Wednesday we have our embassy and doctor visits.  Thursday we start our relaxing journey home .  OMG OMG OMG.  I’ll be sending updates as it gets closer.  So excited.   I am packing all my crap and all her crap and trying to do it in two bags b/c I am tooo cheap to pay the 150.00 for 1 teensy weensy 24 inch bag.  LOOOOOOOFTHANSA!   Thats how they say it.  They do have good booze I have to say (you know that is what I hear anyway)

Landon is getting excited.  Tonight she told me that she wanted to go to Old McDonalds for dinner.    When we got home she said “Mommy where all my french fries?”    “I um… err… don’t know honey…” wiping grin and grease from chin.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Booty Call?

 Hi.

 Headed to beautiful Moldova on May 1 (Happy Birthday to me).  I am bringing home Tennyson.  YAHOOO!  So yes, I am excited and tired, nervous, happy, stressed, tense, blah blah blah.

 People keep asking me what Landon thinks of a new sister.  “Is she acting out at all?  Does she say she doesn’t need a sister, etc.”  Of course I have answered No emphatically all along. Not my daughter.    And I will say that she has a picture of Tennyson which she sleeps with. She says “Mommy I LUUUUUV Tenson…you go get her”.  Very very cute.  Then she says “I put blanket on her head”.  The last one concerns me a bit. 

 So today things are changing a bit.    Time for nap – my VERY favorite time of the day. Landon wants to stretch out on my bed instead of hers.  You know whatever will get her to go to sleep – FINE!  I check on her about 20 minutes later anxiously awaiting the sweet face of my cherub only to find her evil twin covered in white cream.  Solid white face – flashback to Noxema. Oh but wait, she has also painted my silk bedspread (shut up … I know… when I bought a silk bedspread I did not have kids..) and then of course on my matching chenille pillows.  OMG!  Seriously P-O’d.  “LANDON!  What the h……. what were you thinking?  What?  WHAT?  WHAT?”  I cannot speak…. I am sooooo mad…   Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation.  Perhaps she thought a good coat of Sensual Sandalwood (plushpotions.com – you must try it!) would even out the fabric wrinkles. 

 So …. As I am doing my chores to recover from the lotion incident (heretofore as it will be known)… Landon watches a movie – really a Dora mini moves (when Landon says ARRIBA ARRIBA w/ Dora it will about make me pee in my pants).  I walk in to check on the little spite (cherub is now a sprite please note).  I find her with her sippy mug – she has moved the straw and is slinging water all over the TV and couch.  Sprinting in to action, I end up on my BUTT as I have encountered the largest portion of her water sling fest with my big damn feet. 

The day went like this until the little demon (personality evolving) ended up climbing on the bathtub ledge to get my razor to shave her legs after, of course, using my bobbi brown facial cleaner to wash Ariel and all the other water friends. 

SO YES…. Landon is showing out a bit.   I can only imagine what it will be like when Tennyson is home.

 I am preparing for my trip to Moldova and ended up w/ a business trip to Atlanta last week.  Yes it was bad timing but… I love my job and it was a good meeting.

Now I was a presenter for a portion of this session. Not the main guy… but up in front a good group of people for a couple of days.  Just prior to my first session, I scooted out to a quick lunch at Cheesecake Factory with some work girlfriends.  As we walk in (through the Sears entrance because all execs go in through Sears), my friends says   “Kelly you sat in something”.   Dust off my butt…. “nooooo gurl…. I am serious… you sat on something…”  More insistently I brush off my bum – must be dust.  “Kelly it’s a lot – seriously a lot”.  I search through my purse for a mirror. I am going to put the mirror to my butt so I can look and see how bad this stain is.  We are still walking during all of this in the parking lot.   My friend then says “let me take a picture w/ my phone”  WHAT???  Ah… no.  “No let me take a picture and then you can see it”  And yes… we are still walking in from the parking lot..  “No way… no way… you are not taking a picture of my butt”.   

She gets really close getting her camera phone ready and says “OH MY GOD – it’s a hole….  You have like 10 little holes in your pants…. That’s your butt…..thats your butt…”  OK you can imagine… my supportive friends all laughed their non-exposed asses off.   I didn’t believe her… tried to wrench my back so I could see (some new yoga pose I think I just created).    Finally I believe her, when I find I can stick my index finger all the way through my pants.  OMG OMG – mad dash through Macys, panting….. looking for a sales clerk, perspiring, can’t help but notice the new INC spring launch as I whiz by.  I end up with a calvin klein poorly made pair of brown pants on sale for 29.98.  Whew!

 Rounding a week of fun, Friday night I get a call at 4:20 a.m.   Yeehaw!  A booty call for me…..  “hel…hell…helloo”  “who dis?  Who phone?”  “Huh?”  “Who dis?  I need Ketty”  Its Moldova calling. 

“Albina…. Is that you?”  “jes…jes… Ketty is Albina.  I need copy you passport… I need now…  You send?”   Say what?  We go back and forth because speaking Russian to tired southern lady woken from a dead sleep – well the results could be pretty bad.  

“ketty you send now.  I have translator call”

Click.  BRRRINNNNG!  BRRRRINGGG!

“Ketty dis Angela… I need passport copy for baby adoption… need now”

You know I got that part.

BRRRINNG!  BRIING!  Oh looky there… another call from moldova coming in on the other line.  Click Over…. Albina… “Kelly translator – she call?  You send…important… now… sorry Ketty”
Click – back to Angela… “send now… Ketty”.

So I get out of bed… get my passport out of the safe… scan it in…. email it over.  Okay… as I walk upstairs, I remember that they already have this… I sent it months ago.  God only knows where it is….. It is after all… Moldova again.

 So there is our latest just before we launch in to next trip – Operation Bring Home Tennyson.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Mojoe 5/3/09

Hi all –

We hope this finds you well. We have moved to Alaska since our last update. Not really… however… we have had such frequent snow in the last 6 weeks, it has seemed so.

We are clearly living the high life here in Denver as you will soon see.

Landon continues to excel in school. She is getting better at her colors, sort of… She thinks everything is BLUE – that is what she says…. “Landon, honey what color is the grass” “BOO Mommy…” Well no… “Landon what color is your dress” “BOO Mommy” No again…it is pink. Your dress is always pink. “Landon what color of that string cheese?” “Boo Mommy”.. Oh dear she is right – best not to eat that one. Anyway… we continue to try.

Landon is now an avid user of Bobbi Brown now. I found her a couple of weeks ago with the entire left side of her face covered in brown. I thought she had fallen in dirt. Oh no… It was only my champagne shimmer lipstick… extra shimmery to make skinny lips look full. She says “look Mommy – pretty?!” NO…………. Not Champagne Shimmer. It is gone – totally gone, concave in fact. I know to some (heathens) it is only lipstick. GASP! It is just such an effort for me to get to the mall to replace it. I decide to try. I took Landon to the mall to get my replacement shimmer stick. This is a short trip… what can go wrong… Queue JAWS music….

I go to the Bobbi counter – Landon in tow – using my phone to do God only knows what. I ask for my champagne shimmer and am so excited I can hardly stand it. I tell the girl behind the counter how it is the perfect shade and has changed my life. She says…. “ well, uh… we… like… discontinued it” Meanwhile Landon is doing figure 8’s through my legs and periodically slamming her head in to “the downstairs area’. I beg the woman for a replacement – “do you have partially used one?” “can you call Bobbi personally and get me one?” You know – this is serious. Landon now reaches for the counter and a 50.00 blush brush, which is so large you can also use it to groom a horse. My groveling continues.

So the net is there is no champagne shimmer, there will never be a champagne shimmer, champagne shimmer is dead…. Dead, do you hear me? Services to be held next week. It was discontinued, just like everything else I have ever had any fondness for: Warners crossover Chantilly lace bra, estee lauder pink organza lipgloss, Hit or Miss no run panty hose and even the entire store (the whole chain closed down for heavens sake), Java Creek restaurant, and Bobby Sherman (he is a paramedic now… did you know that?)

So there you have it – I have plain lips and am wondering if I will every again get my mojoe back. I drop Landon off at school which starts with Landon propelling a piece of maple stuffed French toast at my head. She says “I sorry Mommy” but I am not so sure. We finger dance to Mercy by Duffy and then do wop hum to Little Saint Nick as we go to school. And yes I know it is now May but she likes it. Have you gotten the complete picture of the excitement? So I take Landon in the building and I get back in my car to try to scrap the maple syrup out of my hair. I notice that I am being noticed by a man next to me. Oooohh… maybe I do still have it??? He opens the door, hops in his car doing the I’m looking at you but not really looking dance … then abruptly gets out. I am certain he has forgotten his kid’s blanket (which will make more a most unpleasant day all around). He looks at me again, then looks embarrassed… and sprints to another car altogether, gets in car #2 and hides his head. The poor man totally got in the wrong car and tried to start it and all because I have so much mojoe. Could you just die???

Ok, I am quite aware that this man is probably sleep deprived and that it had nothing to do with me – just let me have this little bit of fantasy… remember I was finger dancing earlier..

And then again I try taking Landon shopping. Yes, it is true…I just really am not that smart. As the last man who showed any interest in me cannot even find his own car, I am still unsure of my mojoe level. I position Landon in front of the three way with her washable crayons so I can kind of see her. I see a tall handsome man from my gym. Excitement ensues. I am a little twitterpated, and proceed to fall off my clog. He does not see but Landon does. “bad shoes…not nice” she says. Tall handsome man is with a child and woman. Ham! He is married (remember we are not cursing here – so Ham is code for another bad word). He proceeds to tell me how that is his sister and nephew. So see he is interested and sort of flirting with me. Score! I am elated. Just then my friend who works in this store comes and pulls me to the side (probably to tell me how my mojoe has permeated the entire store). Jaidene says “they told me to watch that guy”. I said “I know, he is cute and I think he likes me”.
She continues “well that is nice because he is a shoplifter”. SPIT! I cannot believe this. I hide in the dressing room where I can see Landon’s feet as she lays coloring. I start to try on a new top as I am now depressionary shopping and new things will help me stay in denial of my lack of mojoe. She is quick though and flings open the saloon door to my dressing room. I am sporting only a bar and not a new one at that. Hit the deck. Hit the deck. And I did… Then I grab her feet and drag her in the with me, covering my ta ta’s with someone’s leftover tried on sweater. I am just done! I ask Jaidene for a dewars with a twist but all I got was the twist. We just left – I mean where can this go?

Time for Landon’s bath (for which sleep will follow). Hallelujah! I say “okay, c’mon, lets hurry and get our bath. Now scoot, hop in” And she does – runs in – halls booty and jumps in, clothes, diapers, shoes, everything on. I guess it is efficient but not what I had in mind. Picture attached.

Uncle Kim came to visit – we had a ball. Landon keeps asking for him, looks under the bed and behind the couch as if I am hiding him.

Landon celebrated earth day with her class recently. They all had hats made of various leftover materials. Then go on a parade. Parade, let me translate, means a jaunt around the school with 50 kids doing whatever they want, while 10 adults try to catch them. Hysterical! Then they have to spend the rest of the afternoon in the dark – no lights – sort of Daniel Boone. You will see a sample of their outfits. When I saw Landon, I said “she looks like a recycled Pochantes”. Tell me you do not agree.

We are fine, we are well, we are happy. I hope you all are too.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on April 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Control? 4-10-10

So hello all – to say the least we have been busy.

I arrived home from Moldova thankful to be home and cozy with my baby and mayonnaise free food.  How those people every poop, I cannot conceive.  I didn’t see a whole grain or dark leafy vegetable in 6 days and I truly believe that all that mayonnaise is clogging to path of natural elimination.

 I am planning my next trip (Operation Bring Home Tennyson) for the end of April/early May.  I totally cannot wait to spend my birthday in an airplane 20 hours.  What fun.

 Our friend Lori explained to Landon during my trip that I was going to visit her sister and doing lots of paperwork.  So just about daily Landon asks as we leave for school or Target (my personal heaven and portal to my financial demise) “You do paperwork Mommy?”  It gives me a good chuckle because we all know that the road to CEO is lined with much paperwork.

 I call Landon my sweet child (which applies a good bit of the time, less and less as she has been 3 but…) Lately as she goes off to bed she says “Mommy chu my tweet child”.  You know I often do feel like the child or pack mule – one of the two.  And I should add that this applies when I can actually get her to bed.  Often the scenario is:

  • “Landon time for bed”
  • “Mommy I not tired”
  • “Landon come brush your teeth.”
  • “Mommy I hungry”
  • “No you aren’t Landon”
  • “Mommy I want cereal”
  • “Landon time for bed”
  • “Mommy I want yogurt with sprinkles”
  • “Landon time for bed – NOW
    “Mommy I want cereal”
  • “MOMMEEEEEEEEE – I so berry hungry”
  • “WAAAAA”
  • “No Landon – bed NOW”
  • “MOMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE I tirsty”
  • “MOMMMEEEEEE”
  • “MOMMMEEEEEE”
  • “MOMMMEEEEEE”
  • “MOMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!”
  • “Landon… eat your cereal”

 How does this happen?  I don’t cave all the time but I am afraid she will starve to death at times (NOT) and you know I have very important paperwork which required my focus. J

 I have deduced that Clooney is crazy!    Recently while working I heard a commotion upstairs.  We have had some break-ins in the “hood” so I am on mega alert.   I grab my  Extra Large MagLite Flashlight and begin my journey in to the terror of the unknown intruder.  ….it  is in Landon’s room…. How dare they?  Maglite raised and in position for quick strike and maximum impact, I cross the threshold of her room.  The room is big mess – everything from her dresser is on the floor.  Wh … Wha…. What???  And there is Clooney…. I mean I think it is her … but its just her back …. What is going on?

Once the fog of terror lifts, I see the problem.  Clooney has somehow managed to get her head caught in a box of tissues.  I am guessing she fell off the dresser (knocking everything off)  trying to the box off her head.  How in the world does that happen?  I think the altitude has rendered her looney tunes.

 Landon is learning about being a big sister.  I have explained that Tennyson will be here soon, that I am going to get her.  We have discussed what a big help she will be to mommy.  She tells people “I big sister.  I so help Mommy.   I put blanket on my Tenson’s head”.  The last part concerns me just a bit.    When I ask her outright “do you want a sister Landon”, she says “ah…no… I want a brudder… named Sarah”.  No idea where that came from.

 Landon’s vocabulary is really expanding — she has quite the personality now.   She saw a painting I did (pre-kid of course).  She said “mommy you did dat?  I so proud of you.  You kill me”.  And yesterday I heard her say “sex” while listening to Lady Gaga.  Say What?  Switching to only Disney tunes for the foreseeable future.

 Our biggest news is that Landon had surgery on her eyes. She has had some crossing which didn’t seem to be getting a lot better. So Thursday we went to the hospital at 6:00 a.m.  She was very excited with all the attention.  She thought her hospital bracelet and astronaut gown were “cool Mommy”.  She did great until we went in to the OR and noticed all the equipment and looked at me like “what the hell is going on”.  You know you try to find some positive thing in most everything so… I thought well maybe I will meet a doctor or anesthesiologist. Mine this time just happened to be a woman.  And the doctor is a also a woman… I am all for equality here but lets remember who this is about…. ME.

 Any hopes of snagging a man while at the hospital were quickly dashed as I put on my attending mommy suit – solid white from head to toe paper jumpsuit, made of a professional grade tissue.  I requested something in “taupe….white is so harsh especially so early in the day”… I do not think they were amused.  They give Landon her strawberry scented oxygen mask which causes her eyes to roll back and then collapse.  I guess I then started to cry and shake and was suddenly encased by two nurses (yes… also women).  I was surprised at how teary I was – they told me all the Moms are like that.  Oh I see.

 Landon woke to quite a bit of discomfort – I walked in to hear her crying and screaming which sent me home to my earlier teary state. 

 Landon in hospital

She is really doing great.  Whiney and agitated but fine.  I know it hurts – there are stitches in her eyes.  Doctor thinks it went really well.  Whew!  She was actually fine until we went in to Target.  She had to pee pee.  Upon completion, she washed her hands per normal instruction but…. Gasp… caught her reflection in the mirror.  “MOMMEEEEEE!  MY EYES.   DEY SOOOOO RED”.  Actually I do have to say they are pretty much red all over the normal whites—so now we are obsessed w/ looking in the mirror.  Super.

 I do think she is on the upswing.  Friday after surgery, I had her set up comfortably resting and watching Bolt while I worked to pay the bills.  I came out to check on her to hear “Mommy look”  I notice the TV  is sporting Beechnut Fruitstripe gum in a sort of Pollock design.  Fuming I was…. As I spread the peanut butter on the TV to try to remove the gum, Landon said “Mommy I lick it?  I love peanut butter”.  You know… I am thinking she will be just fine.

 Love to all.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on April 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Cool Cat 6/15/09

 Landon has taken up modeling sort of.   She will dig furiously through her dress up kit and then model her ensemble.  It is a little frightening the precision of her movement.  I am not sure where she is getting this.  They have a segment at school called dramatic play — must consult her teacher on this Paris Hilton education Landon seems to be getting.  The first time she says “thats hot” she is so out of there.

 Landon and I took a trip to Aunt Traceys. It was a combo work/play trip.  Work for me, play and spoiling for her.  I was wondering if she would reconnect with her 8 and 10 year old cousin until I saw all three of them running through the house screaming with diapers on their heads.   Class all around.  Picture attached.

 We have a new kitten.  Our sweet Bonnie passed at the end of February.  We got a rescue kitten — 10 weeks old.  HER name is Clooney after my future husband George. When we do marry her name will be Clooney Clooney or Clooney Squared. We will deal w/ the psychology issues of that when necessary. 

 I have forgotten how quick kittens are.  A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to get Landon out the door of the house by 6:15 a.m.   I was a little zombie-like so this was challenge. I open our bottom freezer to get Landon her fresh breakfast I make daily — frozen french toast sticks.  Then I give the freezer a good shove because it is so full of junk.  Clooney has gotten under the fridge — I can  hear her meow.  I can’t figure out how she flattened her body to 1/2 inch but it appears she has.  Well… I hear her but go about my business as my hand won’t fit under the freezer.  So I walk to the bathroom for more spackle and hear her meow’ing more and come in to see my 21 pound cat Clyde also meow’ing and pawing at the fridge.  I try again to get her out and cannot get my hand under the freezer. I figure if I open the freezer I may be able to create some space or leverage.  WEEELLLLLLL…. I open the freezer and out pops Clooney.  I shut her up in the freezer — no lie.   Please do not call PETA.  I am just lucky I didn’t leave the house.  Can you believe that!  She was chilled but ok (as it had only been about 45 seconds).  Whew!  That was a close one.

 Clooney jumps on the counters and table frequently.  I try to stop that behavior.  Bad Clooney I saw.  Landon, ever the helpful child, is at the ready to put her in timeout.  “cooooonie” she says….”TIMEOUT!! “  She even reaches for the timeout timer to help Clooney in her timeout.  She is quite aware of the timeout process as she appears to be the mayor of timeout town these days.  

 This two is tough.  Landon is very into doing things herself. “I DO IT MOMMY”  Okay then.  So I wait….. and wait….. and wait…. (imagine the jeopardy music playing and what the next question may be).  Then she will say “I help a you”, which means Help me mommy. 

 She will put her pants on herself. That is actually a good thing if you do it right. Trouble is she puts both feet in one leg of her pants and then has to hop around to move or will fall and then cry.  We will be good and ready for the mother daughter potato sack race when that time comes.  Also she will say “Mommy, you listen a me”.  I am sure she is getting that as I say it about 45 times a day to her.  

 So, we will remind you that we live in an old house — build in 1920.   It is “charming” — that is what it said online.  Charming means — this sucker will take all your money.

This old house is having plumbing issues– water slow draining in the tub and backing up w/ stuff that should NEVER come BACK into your house.  Landon would see the standing dirty STINKY water in the tub and say “Dat Gros Mommy, It Tinky”. No kidding honey, I have to clean it up.

 So it is getting bad and I vow to call the plumber tomorrow.   I know it will not hurt it if take a shower downstairs. It is late and Landon is sleeping.  I am really enjoying a moment of quiet at 12:15 in the morning.  I get out and hear water running, dripping. I am looking all over and don’t see anything.  Laundry room – Check, Kitchen – check.  Upstairs bathroom — oh SHIT.

 Well I guess this “small” blockage is really pretty significant, because I am looking at a bathroom covered in potty water as it has overflowed

 Plumber on speed dial for first thing in the a.m.

 1:00 a.m. to bed.  I have put my old DVD player on top of the upstairs toilet to deter me from pee’ing in it in the middle of the night.  I figure I will not pee on electronic equipment. 

 So I call the plumber man at 9:00 a.m. who says he will be right over. To those confused on what right over means — well that is 7 p.m.  Plumber man, Mike, arrives and starts to work @ 7:00 p.m. He finishes at 10:30 p.m.  Mike is now my friend on facebook.  I know that his sister stayed with him for 2 months after getting knocked up at 17, his favorite food is spaghetti with meatballs, he has no pets but had a cat as a child that he dearly loved, and the piece of equipment he is cleaning out my sewage lines which costs $30,000.00.  He asks me the last time I had the lines cleaned out before.  I say “huh”.  I explain that I have been here 7 years and can’t recall having done it. He explains further that if I cannot recall having a machine the size of a small washing machine in my basement sucking poop and pee pee out of my house, then I probably have not have it done.  I really like a smart ass when its me. 

After 3.5 hours of cleaning out blockages, Mike  made sure to show me the small Scottish Pine he found growing in my sewage line.

At the end of the  sewage excavation, he was dripping in sweat, had consumed a gallon of water, smelled like moldy cheese and says “I think we better get you on a maintenance plan”  Yea…. ya think?

 I have learned that there are ways to deal with being an older mom which I thought I would share because there are more older moms now.  I would not say I am the oldest mom at the school but… I am on the high side for sure. Now there are a lot more  older dads — which further speaks to the injustices of a male dominated world – but… I digress.  These are my tips for being an older mom.

1.         Hang out with ugly people.  Then other people won’t focus on how old you are; they will just talk about the ugly people around you.

2.         Wear nice clothes to draw attention away from your wrinkly face.

3.         For Gods sake, buy a moisturize and I don’t mean Nivea.

4.         Wear a baseball cap or any hat really – it brings the attention up and hides stuff that shouldn’t be seen.

5.         Find a dermatologist and get their frequent shopper card; you will need it.

6.         Bangs are your friend; they hide where nature was the least kind.

7.         Pull your hair UP in a real high tight pony tail – it lifts your whole face up (free facelift) – best to remove ponytail before migraine ensues.

8.         Have a small child – they put everything in perspective. You WILL laugh more.  You just won’t care and that’s cool.

9.         Sleep – -I have personally found this to be the best and hardest to find anti-aging tool

 Good Luck!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Spec-tac-ular 7/19/09

Hello all – I know it may shock you all but… we have been very busy.  

 I have been doing some business travel this month. One particularly fun trip was to Kansas.  I woke up early the morning of my flight, on schedule so far – one minute in to the day – so far, so good.  Landon fast asleep or so I thought.  I go in to begin the taming of last night’s hair only to discover I am having a nosebleed. Delightful.  Landon meanwhile as woken up at 5:00 a.m. and is calling for me.  I ask her to get out of her big girl bed and help me. She responds, ever thoughtfully, “NO”. 

 I do get my nosebleed to stop and manage to barely get Landon to school and me to the airport. Major roadwork on the worst day possible (isn’t that always the way).  I have checked in the night before (because I want to save that 23 seconds) but walk up to perhaps the longest queue at DIA (our airport) I have ever seen.  Good grief!  I make it by the skin of my teeth, am truly the last person to get on the flight. 

 The flight attendant comes up to me and says “You didn’t hear the announcement because you were the last one to board (am I being reprimanded??)  And then… she uttered the most frightening combination of words I think I have ever heard:

 “both our lavatories are broken, you will not be able to use them during the flight” 
“excu…excuse me, wh… what… what?” 

“our bathrooms are broken, both of them. You won’t be able to use them during the flight”

“that is like an hour and a half.  Are you saying I cannot pee for 1 1/2 hours”
17B beside me thinks this is hysterical.

“Well actually” she says, “it is really one hour and 5 minutes plus taxi and takeoff”

Not helping Tiffany Amber Blondie.   “ma’am, that is like dog years to me. 1 hour of not using the bathroom for most is LIKE 7 to me”.  
“You can go to the restroom now if you want; we will wait”

 I look around to a cabin to eyes throwing daggers but man I got to go.

I dart off the plane and announce to 58 people that I do not know (thankfully) that it is in their best interest to let me go unless they want to use their personal floatation devices mid air.

 I mean is it even legal to fly without potties?  What if you have to circle because of weather issues or are rerouted because someone has a health issue???

And to top it off, I looked back later in the flight to see Tiffany pouring left over Pepsis in le’ toilet — the very one I couldn’t use.  Explain that.
 
So we also went to Hilton Head again to see Grandpa and Grandma Terri. I had to work, Landon got more spoiling.   Very fun trip. I was reminded of the humidity and how much my hair does NOT miss it.  Every summer in the south of the Summer of the Ponytail for me.
More travel fun….  On our way to Hilton Head, I asked for seats together for Landon and me. I asked when I bought the tickets, called to confirm and was assured we would be together.  At the airport checking in, I ask counter person to put us together. She says I will have to wait but she will try. 

Miffed, I ask her to clarify.  She says “well the flight is really full.  I will try to put you together but if I cannot, you will have to ask the passengers to move around”.

EXCUSE ME!

How does that work?  I hold up the entire line asking people one by one to get up for my 2 ½ year old daughter??

So I say to her “look MISS, if I don’t have to sit by my two year old and can be by myself having a glass of wine, that is a vacation to me.  Just let me know who is in 19B so I can give him the diaper bag”

She was not happy.    Eventually she did get us together but made me wait because I was pissy with her.   

When we return from our trip, I go downstairs and see that Clooney and Clyde have been in to my feather boa — why I have that would really require alcohol for all parties, so let’s just accept the fact that I do.
I see the feathers on the floor but as I look closer I realize they are much smaller and do not look like my feather boa.  Hmmm.. has the kitty sitter been in the house with a feather boa of a different color???  Or maybe Clyde dragged in some feathers in his furry mane.  I bend down to pick the feathers up and at that very point a bird flies by and virtually parts my hair dead down the center.  HUH?  I am freaking out — screaming — there is a disease carrying, Hitchcock The Birds movie, dirty – a bird! More screaming as he zooms past again in a frantic attempt for an open window.  AKKKK!  AKKKK!  AKKK!  Clyde I am going to kill you I scream.  Landon ever at the ready to aid in her mother’s distress calls out “Mommy stop dat screaming”.  We vacated the premises and went to eat while praying and leaving the door open.  It appears the bird found the way out as I have not found his dead and decaying carcass yet.
 
Landon’s words are expanding — combining several for sentences that sometimes make sense.  I put her to bed and she said “good night mommy, I love me”.  “Oh good honey, it is good to love ones self”.    🙂 

On the 4th of July, Landon’s school had a mini concert outside.   An amazing music teacher choreographed the whole thing.  The finale was God Bless America sung and also and also done in sign language by 35 4 & 5 year olds. I will tell you there was not a dry eye in the audience.  And then it was topped off by some sort of spontaneous fly over by 4 planes.  I am not sure how she managed that but it was something to see.
 
I had perhaps my 5th root canal a few weeks ago. The doctor gave me penicillin and vicodin.  I can’t even take ½ of a vicodin without feeling sick.   In error, I popped 2 vicodin thinking they were penicillin.  It was not pretty.  I was sure I had bed bugs as my skin was crawling.  Our friend and neighbor Suzanne helped me get Landon ready for bed as I was busy hugging my toilet and hallucinating.  Landon did offer some commentary “dat gross Mommy”.

I took a mommy trip myself to Miraval spa.  I do expect that you all heard the angels singing when I said that word.  Miraval is really like heaven to me. I got teary when we pulled in the parking lot.  The ultimate in exercise, relaxation, massage, etc.

On day two of my trip, I attempted this new exercise machine – the power plate.  The power cord was locked in a closet and accompanied by a list of possible side effects: light headedness, disorientation, nausea, blood pressure fluctuations, etc.

I ignore that and hopped aboard. This machine basically gyrates your body while you do lunges, dips, yoga poses,etc.  Then you get off.  I thought it was fantastic. The trainer told me folks that have peaked in their fitness use this to take it to another level. I feel very superior and must cock my tail feathers.

Within 2 minutes, I get another serious nosebleed.  I will sum this as saying it went on for 2 days.  I went to the doctor to have my nose cauterized (translated … burn the spit out of it).  On the final morning I was there, I woke to a raging nose bleed.  It was ALL OVER the sheets and down comforter.  They are white – not Ecru friends, white, Martha Stewart white, hospital white, white like the star that led the three wise men to the baby Jesus white.  Serious White.  I called the front desk to tell them that this was NOT a crime scene and that I was the victim and perpetrator one in the same.   I go the doctor AGAIN (A real ENT this time) to again have him burn the spit out of my nose so I can fly home. 

Once home I go to a cute ENT here.  Future husband… who nose (couldn’t resist).  This guy takes one look inside my nose “whoa!”  Okay didn’t you guys get any bedside manner training?  Long story short, my nose is a mess, and I probably need surgery or I will keep having nosebeeds.  SPIT!!  Blood pressure also low.  Doctors Orders – no exercise of any sort (just kill me – I mean that is like a lethal blow to me) for at least one week).  No boyfriends also he says.  Well you can just imagine… I began to call my many suitors to alert them, causing a near lock down of our nations’ communication system. 

I fear I may be losing control of my child as we have had a number of time outs lately.  I gave her strict instructions NOT MOVE HERSELF AT ALL FOR 2 MINUTES.  Instead, she picked up her stool and moved it, pending court decision on whether that qualifies as a violation.  I clearly, succinctly, and sternly delivered her reprimand for the timeout to which she replied  “you soooo funny mommy…. So funny…”

Ideas and stories welcome here so I do not feel so incompetent.

Finally I will update you all that Miss Landon now has glasses, specs… She was having some issues with her right eye.  400.00 later, transition lens and a pink patent leather Barbie glasses case later she is good to go.  She wears them most of the time and tells me “I so cute Mommy”.  We are hoping that she will grow out of them at some point.  Until then, she looks she could work as a notary at Wells Fargo.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

3/16/09 Mensa Members

Plase do not hate me for my superior intelligence.  It has just earned me admittance to the Mensa society.  Yes I know – it is extraordinary occasion.  I am certain of my qualification as a Mensa member as I have now managed to uninstall and THEN reinstall the carseat and associated cover.

 Really I am lucky not to have been put in this dangerous situation prior to last week. Landon got choked on a yogurt bite (damn health food) last week on the way home from school.

 I was driving – on our way home for a relaxing Friday.  Well we were stopped at the light and she started to choke and cry.  I thought it was nothing but it continued.  It is also key to note that I was the first in line of 11 cars all turning and ready to consume their first official cocktail of the weekend.    I am thinking is it possible to do the Heimlich maneuver while driving???  Well luckily I turned the corner and quickly threw it in to park, then mounted the front seat and proceeded to be washed in pink vomit (fueled by dannon drinkable yogurt).  DA DA DA DUMMMMMM

 Okay so we go 4 more blocks and are home.  I extract the carseat which is now about to float in to the house on its own.  To add to the matter, this is the first day for Landon’s new teacher (also a Mensa member).  She, in a moment of brilliance, decided to send Landon home wearing only panties – sans the diaper.  Let me clarify – SHE IS TWO PEOPLE!  So the floating carseat is now saturated with not only pink vomit but pee pee.  For the love of all that is holy – can I catch a break here??

 So I take her inside, she eats, bathes and goes to bed.  Once she is down and the angels commence to singin’, I begin to disassemble the car seat cover.  I do believe that instructions for launching the first rocket were more clear.  I mean it says “find the metal slot of the restraint”.  Well now that is helpful isn’t it?  The ENTIRE THING IS A RESTRAINT; IT IS A CARSEAT and oh by the way, there are lots of metal thingies.   I did get the cover off (I do believe time stood still for 1 minute to honor the achievement) – mindful of the instructions which state “be careful not to damage the special headrest” (cross my heart that iis what is says).  Well that is just lovely – because in Alabama we call that “special headrest” Styrofoam – so the 300.00 carseat I bought (top of the line) is made of styrofoam.

 So I wash it and called my neighbor to commiserate. She said “be afraid, very afraid”.  For the life of me, I cannot figure how to put the thing back together. If the instructions were in Portuguese it would be easier.  Seriously!   Through the Grace of God (literally) and a bad word or two, I manage to get the cover back on.  I am going to line it with a trash bag to save the strain on my psyche.  If she slides out of it… well so be it.

 I took yesterday off to get some things done – primary of which is getting Landon a Colorado Birth Certificate.  This task, my friends, is basically as complicated as the entire adoption process.

 While working through my 25 item task list, I treat myself to a trip to the LuLuLemon store  (athletic clothing).  It is pricey yes but I wear it every day, which is where I find my warped rationalization for spending more money.  Anyway, the sales clerk is a San Francisco looking X-hair stylist.  He says to me as I graze past the tops, “Um, ma’aaaaam, these are our most supportive tops” as he sort of finger scoots me to adjacent training bras.  He might as well have said – “you are WAY too small for this top and can we talk about your hair??”   HOW RUDE!  The service industry has hit an all time low.         

 Last Sunday I took Landon to lunch at Little Ollies (the little should not confuse the fact that is a large and BUSY restaurant).  Well it was a stupid move; they do not even have a kids menu or coloring book.  So we colored on their white tablecloth (serves them right).  It seemed to take forever to get our meal.  To keep the princess from throwing all the sugar packets across the room, I gave her some wipes.  Landon is very in to cleaning these days (not without merit).  So she is wiping of the table, my arm, etc.  I bend to pick up the sippy mug she just knocked off only to have her raise my shirt to wipe my chest with the dirty wipe.  She raises it just high enough to show off the black netting of my bra and, I believe, cause permanent damage to the United Methodist Church senior citizen class sitting to our right. 

 We are doing our best to conserve money here (as is all of the U.S).  Our latest fun toy is Reynolds wrap.  Landon has shot up now and can reach the wrap/baggie drawer.  Sunday evening I heard her giggly roar as she unrolled the entire Reynolds wrap container across the kitchen floor — to hear it crinkle under her feet.  I just couldn’t get to her fast enough to stop her from hurling it down 2 small flights of stairs. 

 Landon and I went to Tampa for week a week or so ago.  We were lucky enough to find a really wonderful sitter, Patti.  Patti took Landon to the mall every day and they played in the baseball themed kid’s area. It seemed every day I would come back to the hotel to find Landon with something new:  a tutu one day, then cell phone with blue tooth attachment of course, super large coloring book etc.  She was spoiled for sure.  I think she is ready to go back.

 I will end our latest update with a sad note.  While on our trip, my little Bonnie passed.  I had her since she was 3 months old. Poor thing she got a bad kitty disease.  It made her blind and then she passed about 2 ½ weeks later.  Very quick and very sad.    Landon saw Mommy super sad for the first time.  She was very sweet (perhaps this is my first glimpse at the parent becoming the child, just didn’t think it would happen when she was 2).  Landon kept patting me and saying “are you Otay?  Its Otay Mommy”.  SOOOOOOO cute! She is a love for sure.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on April 10, 2010 in Uncategorized