Spec-tac-ular 7/19/09

10 Apr

Hello all – I know it may shock you all but… we have been very busy.  

 I have been doing some business travel this month. One particularly fun trip was to Kansas.  I woke up early the morning of my flight, on schedule so far – one minute in to the day – so far, so good.  Landon fast asleep or so I thought.  I go in to begin the taming of last night’s hair only to discover I am having a nosebleed. Delightful.  Landon meanwhile as woken up at 5:00 a.m. and is calling for me.  I ask her to get out of her big girl bed and help me. She responds, ever thoughtfully, “NO”. 

 I do get my nosebleed to stop and manage to barely get Landon to school and me to the airport. Major roadwork on the worst day possible (isn’t that always the way).  I have checked in the night before (because I want to save that 23 seconds) but walk up to perhaps the longest queue at DIA (our airport) I have ever seen.  Good grief!  I make it by the skin of my teeth, am truly the last person to get on the flight. 

 The flight attendant comes up to me and says “You didn’t hear the announcement because you were the last one to board (am I being reprimanded??)  And then… she uttered the most frightening combination of words I think I have ever heard:

 “both our lavatories are broken, you will not be able to use them during the flight” 
“excu…excuse me, wh… what… what?” 

“our bathrooms are broken, both of them. You won’t be able to use them during the flight”

“that is like an hour and a half.  Are you saying I cannot pee for 1 1/2 hours”
17B beside me thinks this is hysterical.

“Well actually” she says, “it is really one hour and 5 minutes plus taxi and takeoff”

Not helping Tiffany Amber Blondie.   “ma’am, that is like dog years to me. 1 hour of not using the bathroom for most is LIKE 7 to me”.  
“You can go to the restroom now if you want; we will wait”

 I look around to a cabin to eyes throwing daggers but man I got to go.

I dart off the plane and announce to 58 people that I do not know (thankfully) that it is in their best interest to let me go unless they want to use their personal floatation devices mid air.

 I mean is it even legal to fly without potties?  What if you have to circle because of weather issues or are rerouted because someone has a health issue???

And to top it off, I looked back later in the flight to see Tiffany pouring left over Pepsis in le’ toilet — the very one I couldn’t use.  Explain that.
So we also went to Hilton Head again to see Grandpa and Grandma Terri. I had to work, Landon got more spoiling.   Very fun trip. I was reminded of the humidity and how much my hair does NOT miss it.  Every summer in the south of the Summer of the Ponytail for me.
More travel fun….  On our way to Hilton Head, I asked for seats together for Landon and me. I asked when I bought the tickets, called to confirm and was assured we would be together.  At the airport checking in, I ask counter person to put us together. She says I will have to wait but she will try. 

Miffed, I ask her to clarify.  She says “well the flight is really full.  I will try to put you together but if I cannot, you will have to ask the passengers to move around”.


How does that work?  I hold up the entire line asking people one by one to get up for my 2 ½ year old daughter??

So I say to her “look MISS, if I don’t have to sit by my two year old and can be by myself having a glass of wine, that is a vacation to me.  Just let me know who is in 19B so I can give him the diaper bag”

She was not happy.    Eventually she did get us together but made me wait because I was pissy with her.   

When we return from our trip, I go downstairs and see that Clooney and Clyde have been in to my feather boa — why I have that would really require alcohol for all parties, so let’s just accept the fact that I do.
I see the feathers on the floor but as I look closer I realize they are much smaller and do not look like my feather boa.  Hmmm.. has the kitty sitter been in the house with a feather boa of a different color???  Or maybe Clyde dragged in some feathers in his furry mane.  I bend down to pick the feathers up and at that very point a bird flies by and virtually parts my hair dead down the center.  HUH?  I am freaking out — screaming — there is a disease carrying, Hitchcock The Birds movie, dirty – a bird! More screaming as he zooms past again in a frantic attempt for an open window.  AKKKK!  AKKKK!  AKKK!  Clyde I am going to kill you I scream.  Landon ever at the ready to aid in her mother’s distress calls out “Mommy stop dat screaming”.  We vacated the premises and went to eat while praying and leaving the door open.  It appears the bird found the way out as I have not found his dead and decaying carcass yet.
Landon’s words are expanding — combining several for sentences that sometimes make sense.  I put her to bed and she said “good night mommy, I love me”.  “Oh good honey, it is good to love ones self”.    🙂 

On the 4th of July, Landon’s school had a mini concert outside.   An amazing music teacher choreographed the whole thing.  The finale was God Bless America sung and also and also done in sign language by 35 4 & 5 year olds. I will tell you there was not a dry eye in the audience.  And then it was topped off by some sort of spontaneous fly over by 4 planes.  I am not sure how she managed that but it was something to see.
I had perhaps my 5th root canal a few weeks ago. The doctor gave me penicillin and vicodin.  I can’t even take ½ of a vicodin without feeling sick.   In error, I popped 2 vicodin thinking they were penicillin.  It was not pretty.  I was sure I had bed bugs as my skin was crawling.  Our friend and neighbor Suzanne helped me get Landon ready for bed as I was busy hugging my toilet and hallucinating.  Landon did offer some commentary “dat gross Mommy”.

I took a mommy trip myself to Miraval spa.  I do expect that you all heard the angels singing when I said that word.  Miraval is really like heaven to me. I got teary when we pulled in the parking lot.  The ultimate in exercise, relaxation, massage, etc.

On day two of my trip, I attempted this new exercise machine – the power plate.  The power cord was locked in a closet and accompanied by a list of possible side effects: light headedness, disorientation, nausea, blood pressure fluctuations, etc.

I ignore that and hopped aboard. This machine basically gyrates your body while you do lunges, dips, yoga poses,etc.  Then you get off.  I thought it was fantastic. The trainer told me folks that have peaked in their fitness use this to take it to another level. I feel very superior and must cock my tail feathers.

Within 2 minutes, I get another serious nosebleed.  I will sum this as saying it went on for 2 days.  I went to the doctor to have my nose cauterized (translated … burn the spit out of it).  On the final morning I was there, I woke to a raging nose bleed.  It was ALL OVER the sheets and down comforter.  They are white – not Ecru friends, white, Martha Stewart white, hospital white, white like the star that led the three wise men to the baby Jesus white.  Serious White.  I called the front desk to tell them that this was NOT a crime scene and that I was the victim and perpetrator one in the same.   I go the doctor AGAIN (A real ENT this time) to again have him burn the spit out of my nose so I can fly home. 

Once home I go to a cute ENT here.  Future husband… who nose (couldn’t resist).  This guy takes one look inside my nose “whoa!”  Okay didn’t you guys get any bedside manner training?  Long story short, my nose is a mess, and I probably need surgery or I will keep having nosebeeds.  SPIT!!  Blood pressure also low.  Doctors Orders – no exercise of any sort (just kill me – I mean that is like a lethal blow to me) for at least one week).  No boyfriends also he says.  Well you can just imagine… I began to call my many suitors to alert them, causing a near lock down of our nations’ communication system. 

I fear I may be losing control of my child as we have had a number of time outs lately.  I gave her strict instructions NOT MOVE HERSELF AT ALL FOR 2 MINUTES.  Instead, she picked up her stool and moved it, pending court decision on whether that qualifies as a violation.  I clearly, succinctly, and sternly delivered her reprimand for the timeout to which she replied  “you soooo funny mommy…. So funny…”

Ideas and stories welcome here so I do not feel so incompetent.

Finally I will update you all that Miss Landon now has glasses, specs… She was having some issues with her right eye.  400.00 later, transition lens and a pink patent leather Barbie glasses case later she is good to go.  She wears them most of the time and tells me “I so cute Mommy”.  We are hoping that she will grow out of them at some point.  Until then, she looks she could work as a notary at Wells Fargo.

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Posted by on April 10, 2010 in Uncategorized


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