Monthly Archives: June 2010

The Silent O

We are recovering from all of our illnesses (strep, pink eye, ear infection, its like the infirmary over here) and all within 2 weeks.   I realized I had sinus infection Sunday when I bent over to do down dog which nearly turned in to Flat On Your Ass Dog – huge head rush and immediate awareness of the need for a doctor in the family.

And taking a moment for myself today, I spied an advanced Vinyasa class. In delighted anticipation I assume my position on the mat.  He begins with a little speech and then tells us all to take a silent O.  Beg pardon…. Concentration broken entirely.  I looked around to find the entire class taking their silent O in front of God and everyone. Wh…wha.what?   Dear Lord. Is this X-rated Yoga?  I believe the instructor meant a silent Om …. Regardless, I was left thinking if I could do that, it would render my search for a man completely unnecessary.

A friend was over last night. While cleaning up the dishes Landon became very upset…. “MOMMY!  S…Sh……She will not let me put sugar in der”  Huh?  Oh the dishwasher. I call the soap “sugar” for the dishwasher.  Why is it that they remember things like that but nothing that involves actually behaving…EVER

Its hectic here – a hurricane every morning. Landon is more and more of a little girl daily – wanting to make her own choices and wear only “dresses dat twirl Mommy”.   Tennyson is doing better – sleeping more and enjoying her friends.  I get lost in the morning hysteria at times.  Today I kept looking for Tennyson’s  breakfast (baby pancakes) until I saw it adhered to her shoe tread …driven further in to the carpet with every wobbly step.

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Posted by on June 30, 2010 in Uncategorized


The Toddler Whisper…. an oxymoron.

Anyone ever heard a toddler whisper?  Me neither.   Why?  Because it is impossible; they cannot do it.  Mutually exclusive…. Oxymoron.    I liken the toddler whisper to Big Foot…. fabled, rarely seen, ever sought after and promised to those who believe.

Every time I tell Landon to whisper (Tennyson is sleeping, mommy has a headache, etc.) its as if something inside of her actually turns up the volume. And there is a sort of wind behind it – like they try to talk softly but it is just not possible and it makes them even louder.  And they sort of use all their breath, like dig down deep and say everything in a breathless scream/whisper.    I’d put her “whisper” at 70-80 decibels – somewhere between an alarm clock and a busy street.

We are on the mend with our various illnesses of late.  I am pretty certain Landon is almost there because I caught her climbing up on the counter to get hersheys kisses after she poured my Biolage shampoo in our 6 foot wall fountain.    I am glad I have a good colorist – that girl is giving my more gray hairs by the minute.

I did get a chuckle when Landon was eating her ice chips (during the height of the strep battle).    She ran off (not listening to me AGAIN) to get in to some kind of trouble.  When she got back she screamed… fearing the worst (like loss of television service or something) I came running.  The ice had melted – it was now water.  “MOMMMMMMMY  .. you broke it…. You broke my ice… why you break my ice?”  I told her it was the Lord’s way of telling her to sit still and listen to mommy.

Swim lessons started today.  We are very excited.  Can you just picture how relaxing this was with two of them???

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Posted by on June 27, 2010 in Uncategorized


Gag Zoosk

So if you are on facebook… DO NOT go to a site called zoosk (  Because…  it sort of automatically signs you up for this online dating service.  Scary!  Seriously…. I didn’t sign up but am getting notes on matches every day.  First day I get these three – Big Don… Sexy James…. and SpiDennis – and this last guy is in overalls… overalls without a shirt……ARRRG!  Didn’t we just review that they should not make overalls over a size 3Toddler?   Could you just die? I am not  going to lie – there was an audible gasp on my part. 

 And here is the thing… if you are sexy, well it doesn’t NEED to be in your name.   And this type of man… really no issue meeting them.  Thank you so much zoosk for scraping the bottom of the barrel for me. If you are my friend and want to fix me up – which is totally fine as long as he is handsome, wealthy and has good personal hygiene – if you find me men like this, I put your picture on a voodoo doll and put pins in it daily.

 I tried like three different ways to paste their pics here.  WordPress is just not allowing people this unattractive on these blogs.



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Big Don

Denver, Colorado
Age: 42

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Age: 50

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Sexy James

Aurora, Colorado
Age: 52

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Posted by on June 25, 2010 in Uncategorized


Nice Catch

I am working.   The phone rings… I see it – DAYCARE.  Jaws theme…. NOOOOOO!  I am not going to answer it — -maybe she will get spontaneously better…..  Ring # 2, #3 – damnit.  It is never good when Daycare calls in the middle of the day.

“Hello?  Hi its Ann from school – Landon is running a fever;  she needs to go home. (Translated – get this infected kid outta here before the entire school gets it) AKKKKK!

When I arrive she is clearly miserable and I feel terrible.  How did I miss it?  Oh yea, I took her to the doc in the box Saturday and he told me she just had pink eye.  Not something that will cause the 101 degree fever she has now.

Off to her real doctor.  STREP– -crap!  I mean we tested for this Sat.  Of course this is the same man to whom I had to point out her encrusted eyes.  To which he replied “oh the eyes are pink… see here ma’am– we call that conjunctivitis”  No shit Sherlock – just give me the drugs.

We were in the doctor’s office forever.  The girls were bribed with lollipops.  I was holding Tennyson to keep her from knocking over an oxygen tank and a container of tongue depressors while she ate hers.  She rubbed that blasted thing on me every time she took a lick.   Lick… rub Mommy’s back….lick…. tap Mommy’s back, lick, tap, lick, tap, lick, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.. The nurse said – “what kind of pattern is that on your jacket – I like it”  Ummm  sticky lollipop?

So then they want a urine sample — no not me – Landon.  The doctor says “so do you think you can get her to pee in a cup?”   Um…. Are you joking?  Yes lets give that a shot and then I’ll take on world peace.   So I stoop over the hobbit toilet while Landon tries like a champ to produce in a Dixie cup – experiencing a little performance anxiety.  Result – 1/16 of an ounce of catch, one completely saturated Mommy hand.  Doctor says “wow that is great” as I scrub down w/ hand sanitizer.  I would REALLY like to smack her right about now.  Good Lord – a nice pair of Jimmy Choo’s would make this all a whole lot better.

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Posted by on June 24, 2010 in Uncategorized


The Glamorous Life

This weekend was marked by sickness and…. Pink… Really it is always pink around here…. Medicine, eyes, clothes, nail polish, drinks, dolls…. I mean it is everywhere.

Both my girls had pink eye (which is perhaps my hated illness now). We enjoyed our local farmers market for a bit (and by bit I mean 35 minutes) Saturday. As we are about ready to head out the door, I am thinking you know I actually look okay today – hope I see a cute man.  I kept smelling poop – totally looking to Tennyson as the culprit.   Nope – Landon? Nope. Hmmm. I look down at my HUGE bust (Okay so not really but…) and notice a stripe of poop – CRAP. How… I mean how…. I have had this on for all of  17 minutes?

I am finding 3 to be the age of the liar. Anyone else find this to be true?
Landon had 3 peepops (suckers) in her mouth which prompted a stern and questioning look. “Landon how did you get those 3 peepops?” Wheels turning, weaving story, assessing the anger level…”Mommy, jus…give me chance……it was accdent” I noticed it was also an “accdent” when she had my bra on backwards (just leave it ….too easy) and was using my clinique Bonfire lip gloss on her Caillou doll (always did think he was gay….)

Both girls are on the mend… We nourished ourselves with many popsicles this over the weekend. I am not sure what would possess someone to manufacture a wedgelike popsicle but…. they cause all sort of issues. The kids can’t open them, they are slippery, they are in there too tightly to actually scoot them up. So they push and push and get all worked up only to finally get enough give to shoot the damn thing across the table and onto the TV screen. …
Mama Buy? — hell no, not unless you plan to wear a garbage bag and cover the entire dining area in plastic.

Finally we are dealing w/ insurance.  Lordy could go on forever about that.   You will recall (perhaps) my recent task of retrieving Tennyson’s poop for testing (also recalling it was not to be contaminated with her urine ?????)  Totally standard (oh and COVERED) for foreign adoptions.  Very glamorous and sense of smell  virtually gone.  Tests back – no parasites — no problems.   Thank God.   Bill arrived $681.55.  Cigna not paying as it was coded as “administrative”.   “Ma’am… how is testing of fecal matter (I sound smarter this way) administrative?  Administrative to me is a letter to my staff”.   Big fight between physician, Cigna and hospital performing lab tests. Then they told me that it was not covered because she was not actually on site during the testing.  “Ma’am – seriously what would you have done…..squeeze it out of her? She is not a tube of toothpaste”.

We are going back and forth now trying to resolve this – latest is Cigna says this was not medically required.    Honestly…. I don’t know what to say ….like I am sitting here with nothing to do but random shit testing?


Posted by on June 21, 2010 in Uncategorized


Like a Moth to the Insane

Tonight ended with me closing up the house only to find I had left a window open in the enclosed porch.  Not a real issue except that it proved to be an invitation to all the neighborhood moths .  As I opened the porch door I was greeted with 30-40 fluttering friends.  AKKKK!  OMG OMG

I grabbed the closest thing to a fly swatter I could find – a broom.  I began the sweeping elimination  embracing thoughts of my Ann Taylor cashmere sweater with pearl buttons and feeling no guilt whatsoever.   The evening’s cocktail made my sweeping efforts a little less fruitful than I had hoped.   I also noticed (as I live on a busy street) several cars slowing to view my free form broom dancing.  Insane?  Perhaps… but I do not care.  My sweater is safe, my babies are sleeping  and Calgon is calling my name.

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Posted by on June 17, 2010 in Uncategorized


Relaxation Station?

So folks….. at my gym now they are offering massages………… in the middle of the lobby.  I don’t get this at all.  Aren’t these supposed to be RELAXING?  How is it relaxing to be caressed in front of total strangers and in your sweaty gym clothes with weights clanking in the background?

I guess I will get my next pap smear at the Safeway….. Go figure.

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Posted by on June 17, 2010 in Uncategorized