A glimpse in to the daily negotiations which define my life. Picture a casino table in Vegas. The show is on: Landon Lay Em Out Ozley approaches the table, pink cowboy tilted for full eye batting impact. Matching pink lipgloss in tow. Undisclosed ammunition in hand.
Mommy Ozley approaches. She is in yoga pants (of course) and her favorite cap (Got Wine?), libation in hand, ice jingling (backups in purse)
Seated and they begin.
“Landon, I would like you to take a nap, every day without struggle. It is important that children get adequate rest” (and God knows I can’t survive without YOUR nap). Landon completely disinterested and planning her attack.
Landon – “Mommy I will give you 30 minutes of napping for 4 choc-it kisses.”
HUSH across the stage. Mommy Ozley gasps and points her finger.
“LANDON – you will nap and there may or may not be chocolate kisses, as you may or may not have earned them.”
Mommy Ozley takes a long sip – she feels empowered.
Landon concedes knowing full well there is no WAY Mommy can force her to nap.
“Mommy – I don’t want to pick up my toys anymore.” “Landon that is fine… you do not need toys anymore then.”
Mommy orders a fruit plate – she has this down.
“Landon tonight I need you to brush your teeth without a fuss.” “Mommy…. I don’t want to. ”
“Mommy – its not fun. I want to do fun things.”
Landon thinking…. “Mommy I will brush but I NEEEEEEEED 2 ice cream bowls – beeg ones like grandpa’s.”
Mommy raising voice, screeching actually, “Landon you cannot eat all of that. Grandpa does not even eat all of that and he is a grown man”
(why is Mommy Ozley doing this – she is losing ground – come back – seek your power)
“Landon no. You can have only one bowl of ice cream.”
“A BEEG one Mommy?”
Tension mounting, Mommy sweating, libation getting low.
“Mommy I rearry need it”
“Landon you can have a medium one.”
Toddler win—Mommy realizing all Landon wanted was a small bowl of ice cream and she has now upgraded to medium.
Mommy notices a bauble on Landon’s neck – it is her pearl necklace. “Landon don’t get in Mommy’s jewelry.”
“Okay Mommy – but I need my own jew-ry. Can we go to the store?”
“not today – this weekend”
Parties Tie. Win for Mommy b/c she cannot afford to lose any more jewelry.
Win for Landon b/c she has will get “jew-ry” but has no idea that Claire’s has all this crap for 59 cents.
“Landon its about time for our bath – we need to end this.”
“Mommy no. I not done.”
Landon calling in the backup – you can hear a pin drop.
Mommy Ozley a tad nervous – what could it be?
Round the corner comes Tennyson Take Em Down Ozley
Landon gives her sister a high five with knuckle bump, whispering in her ear – “stick wit me, I have her nearly worn down.”
Mommy Ozley sees her sweet tiny toddler, clad in black and sporting a chain belt. What the hell?
Tennyson is carrying a lollipop and da da da dum…oatmeal.
Mommy Ozley is visibly shaken.
Her reinforcements are only more Dewars.
Wait … she has a life line. Call Dad.
Grandpa answers and Mommy Ozley quickly relays the situation. Dad… “um hmmm…. Um hmmm…”
“Dad SAY something”
“well dear… you knew it was going to be hard… children will only do what you allow them to”
What the hell kind of answer is that? Did I call Dr. Phil in error?
Mother of God, Tenny has a lollipop – I can tell you right now it will end up in my hair or hers. And oatmeal – is that allowed in here? I don’t have shower curtain to cover myself or a cookie sheet to deflect the flying fiber. Tenny perches at the table (with assistance) and arms herself w/ a spoonful of oatmeal.
“Okay ladies it is time for a quick bath and then bed.”
MOANS and CRIES all around.
“Mommy, I speak for Tenny too because she no talk yet – we no want to go”
“Landon that is tough; it is time.”
“Mommy I NEED cereal, then bed. And Tenny needs a nana.”
Tennyson begins to play w/ her oatmeal.
And her lollipop is completely lodged in her hair – there is no way to get that out now without a full on bath – maybe even ajax or a lubricant of sorts.
We begin the stare down. Both girls are crying. Tennyson starts to screech. She is out of control and about to swing .,,,
Not the oatmeal…. This is RAW SILK. AKKKKKKKK AKKKKKKKKKKK AKKKKKKKKKKK
“I CONCEDE “
“I AM OUTNUMBERED”
“Whatever I need to do to get you two clean and in bed, I will DO IT.”
Mommy Ozley has hit rock bottom.Tenny and Landon clasp hands and perform the toddler victory dance … tabletop.
Mommy Ozley is face down in her libation.
Toddlers all over the world cheer their victory.
Moms all over the world – cry and TOTALLY get it.