Good Coverage

14 Jul

You see it a lot of places — women having children over 40:  Madonna, Halle Barry, Holly Hunter, Kelly Ozley…  So see, I am in good company.

The good things that came out of my waiting to be a mom are that I am REALLY clear on who I am and who I am not.   I have read virtually every self-help book in Barnes & Noble.  I have ironed out every problem that I can and have just come to understand the deep-seated issues are caused entirely by my parents (as I am perfect in every way) and will just leave me eternally scarred.

In my time as an old Mom, I have learned some key points to survival:

  1. Hang out with ugly people.  People will be so focused on how ugly your friends are, they won’t notice your wrinkles.
  2. Wear nice clothes to draw attention away from your old wrinkly face.
  3. For Gods sake, buy a moisturizer and I don’t mean Nivea.  Personally I love a face oil (Bobbi Brown makes one or you can make your own) and Ilike (that is the name ILIKE) Moisturers for old dry skin.  Both are the bomb!
  4. Wear a baseball cap or any hat really – it brings the attention up and hides stuff that really should not be seen.
  5. Find a dermatologist and get their frequent shopper card; you will need it.
  6. Bangs are your friend; they hide where nature was the least kind (and real bangs, not just wispies)
  7. Pull your hair in a real high tight ponytail – it lifts your whole face up (free facelift) – best to remove ponytail before migraine sets in.
  8. Be happy – you really do look younger.
  9. Sleep – -I have personally found this to be the best and hardest to find anti ager.  They make these things called Frownies (google them). You tape them on your face and sleep in them. When you wake up and remove them your wrinkles will be gone (ok not completely but you will see a BIG difference)
  10. Have a small child – they put everything in perspective. You WILL laugh more.  You just won’t care and that’s cool.
  11. SUNSCREEN – every day.
  12. Those big sunglasses that are so popular now …. Git yourself some – they take up a lot of face area.
  13. Cougar Behavior – if you date a younger man (and I have not yet but so would) people will not know if he is your son or your boyfriend (which means they may not immediately jump to judge).
  14. SPANX — ‘nough said  — Go to Nordstroms today. They squish, shove, lift and compress all sorts of things.
  15. Go light on the sparkles …. save the glitter for your kids artwork (gurl…. you know it will get in your cracks)

Posted by on July 14, 2010 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “Good Coverage

  1. Jaidene

    July 14, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Good tips! But I’m just eating cake! Every day cake and alcohol. Ugliness is on the way and I want to be too drunk to know! BTW I’m one of the people you hang with so……am I ugly?

  2. Shannon

    July 19, 2010 at 11:36 am

    OMG, the beauty tips are cracking me up! I will be googling Frownies…
    Love your posts, as always! Glad you sent the email out to remind me to check them out… best laughs of the day (of course it’s Monday and I’m in the IBM office… not high competition.)


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