In a moment of sleeplessness, I was taken back to my more active dating years (do not read as wannabe hooker – but just more mobile in my dating). Remember I have been single for like decades. I am thinking back on the good and the bad boys (lots o bad boys) and really would like to address their behavior and mine with a little hex where appropriate.
AH (asshole) 6’4” – every time your lanky ass hits your head on the door frame, I’d like you to remember what a dumb ass you were. And I really hope that you get that attitude adjustment so dearly in need as you age and watch your man boobies grow. Angry much Kelly???
Cheapo – I hope someday you date a woman as cheap as you were who shops in YOUR fridge and takes your soap home so she can wash her clothes. Then get yourself a damn job.
Germ freak – I sincerely hope you run out of hand sanitizer and are forced to touch an actual handle in the bathroom. Get over the germ thing dude.
Commitment-phobe – (as if this narrows it down) – I long for the day that you are forced to commit to something, anything, even old age – get out of that one will ya? I hope that you squirm and stutter a bit and then calm down and accept it. This inability to commit has fueled many a Oprah and Dr. Phil show – ENOUGH ALREADY
Drug Dealer – I just hope you get arrested. That is all. Just glad we never actually went out. Those collect calls from I-95 payphones tipped me off.
Cocky Man – I hope your big ol’ head gets stuck in the door and that you get told No like a million times.
The Dentist – I did so love you. I hope you ponder, once in a while, what it would have been like…. I do. Knowing it wasn’t the right path – just a musing now and then.
Hamilton – that is not your name – but it was like that. I was the first woman you dated after your wife passed. You were so sweet and romantic and kind. You even made me fresh carrot juice. And you said that nicest thing any man has ever said to me “You give me hope Kelly, hope that I can feel and love again”. Group AHHHHHH! It was not the right time I guess – I needed a bit more of a challenge. (You could move to Denver… I am a vegetarian now and I like nice boys.) No hex on you dear one – I hope you found your lovely.
The younger man in NC – I guess I was an almost cougar then. No hex – just a big GRACIAS!!!. Hubba Hubba.
The sportscaster – have you stopped crying yet? At 6’2, this is so not sexy. Why did you cry over everything? I am all for finding you sensitive side — but please. Maybe it wasn’t all that bad, I just couldn’t get past walking around with a man wearing Revlon Tawny Beige base (even after your TV show was over)
Naked man – God only knows why you liked to walk around naked all the time but…. I will say he blessed in some areas (amazing quads). But I mean eating breakfast in the nude – that is G R O S S…… My hex on you…. is clothing – put it on – you are almost 55 now.
College beau – it was a whirlwind for you. My hex for you is that you get fat.. Who tells their girlfriend they think she weighs more than them because their side of the water-bed dips in more?? (I was just sitting on it Daddy.) And seriously, I have no idea how it got that leak in it that next morning.
That boy in high school who pulled over at a closed gas station, to do God only knows what – paaaaaaaalease. What were you thinking? I do remember telling you “You aren’t going to get any gas here; this place has been closed for 5 years. Might as well start the car”. I mean I am/was a Southern Belle. Take me home so I can read my Harlequin romance.
My real high school boyfriend whom I met on the CB (GOD I HATE TO ADMIT THAT – but it was Alabama). My handle (I can hardly even type these words as I am so worldly and refined now) was Ebony Eyes. Breaker Breaker whats your 20? AAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. That is so wrong. Where was my mother? I should have been at my Cotillion, not on this redneck phone.
I do apologize to you high school boyfriend for dumping you right after my first college football game. Seriously it was not my fault – my eyes were opened, opened to the world around me — which was SOOOOO much bigger than I had anticipated.