An Important Detail

16 Aug

So I joined eHarmony – well not really. I am just trying to see if there are any cute men out there.

So I go and they are doing this 7 day thing for free.  I am not stupid, I get that they want to hook you.  But I figure how long can this take – 3 maybe 4 minutes? 


43 minutes later, I am going through 183 questions – and they are strange questions.  And all the while you are filling these out you are watching your percentage increase:  23% complete, 41% complete, 67% complete… you get the idea.  So you keep thinking just one more page and I will be done.  I can have wine and a cookie.

True or False – I feel that sexual chemistry is important in a relationship. 

Are you serious?  

It’s not as if Father O’Brien is filling this out – lets guess the answer in 98% of the cases.

True or False – I sometimes take my anger out on others…

NEVER… My name is Jesus….

I mean really. Everyone has done that before.

But you know they advise you to check True if it has EVER applied to you.

Communication is important in a relationship:  Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neutral, Agree, Strongly Agree. 

183 of these questions and you are damn near guaranteed a soulmate (if you still have the energy to meet them)

So I had a teensy weensy error on mine. 

I finish all my 183 questions – hit Send and it says you are 22% complete.

Liar!  I was FINISHED 60 seconds ago. 

Well now to really and truly get your soulmate you must complete the essay portion.    Holy crap – its like the SAT’s.  I am  single mom, it is going to take longer to fill this out than to actually date. 

But wait… I have 7 matches already – how cool.  I want to see…



Here we go—hot men en route.

#1 – Karen

#2 – Lisa

#3 – Carolyn


this is messed up….

#4 – Lydia   

Lydia???  Whatever ??  Bet she is a pole dancer.

I pull up my profile – I don’t get it….ooops!

There is it: Kelly Ozley, sales, 5’4”, adorable, and DAMNIT …. MALE

I answered 183 questions but failed to check the fact that I am a GIRL correctly.  OMG OMG

What is my dream date thinks I am in transition??

And you are not going to believe this…

there is no way to change it. 

‘Swear to God.  

Not an 800 number anywhere.

 Technical support?  Yes it is there but… you must enter the topic.  And if you don’t pick the right topic or one on their list … forget it.   I am pretty confident that no one ever got their gender wrong or changed it mid registration because that topic is not on their list. 

An email address …..finally.  Alert the media.

So now there are 14 girl matches for me.  They are like rabbits …multiplying.  What does this mean? Why is this happening to me? Is it a sign?   Should I just stay home????

28 hours later I get a response from Rita at eHarmony.    It is too good to miss.  I will quote her directly:

Ms. Ozley I can certainly understand your concern regarding your gender.

Hold the phone!  I am not concerned about my gender… I just didn’t see the question.  Now I sound like a dumbass.

To ensure that you are not matched incorrectly, I have closed your current profile and also removed your email address from our system, which will allow you to register a new membership with us and take our questionnaire using the correct gender

WAIT … I made ONE mistake and you delete me – can’t you just fix it????

I have to start over? 

183 questions? 

Are you nuts?   


A little reminder to everyone…its all in the details.


Posted by on August 16, 2010 in Uncategorized


4 responses to “An Important Detail

  1. Swati

    August 17, 2010 at 4:27 am

    LOL!!! You are SO hilarious – definitely highlighting this post in a future post of mine!! There is something in there where you have to pick your MUST HAVE’s and one of them is hygiene! I can’t believe I had to request that – but I did!!


    • kellyozley

      August 17, 2010 at 9:37 am

      OMG that used to be my requirement — good personal hygiene, a full set of teeth and at least a little hair. Does that really seem too much to ask for????

  2. Marge Roate

    August 17, 2010 at 5:11 am

    So much for the 7 free days, huh? Guess the ole saying applies…”If it sounds too good to be free, it is!” On the other hand….perhaps you can run background checks on some of those women and see if any potential babysitters flush out! Gee, Kelly…you are indeed the “Drama Mama.” Love & hugs to ya. Aunt Margie

  3. Marge Roate

    August 17, 2010 at 5:22 am

    Okay….so I should have checked my details! Yes I screwed up the quote. Enough said! Aunt Margie


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