Today was a normal crazy Ozley morning. We are getting ready for school and there is a commotion.
GREAT … the girls are fighting again…
Oh… they are on the couch … together…they look like little cherubs….
I hear growling and hissing.
Say it is not so…. sweet mother….
There is a mouse in the house.
The Alpha cat Clyde had it hidden in his mouth when I let him in.
I do not get this and have a number of conversations with Clyde.
“Why can’t you leave them alone? I feed you good food”
I have noticed a direct correlation in the increased consumption of live prey with the introduction of healthy cat food (not laden with sugar).
“And at the very least if you are going to eat it can’t you just do it quick and outside as a sort of Circle of Life kind of thing”
I get, as you would expect, the same response from him as I do with my children when rendering these heartfelt conversations – NOTHING!
I hate hate hate mice – not sure why… they are tiny and quick and unpredictable – much like toddlers – hmmmm Freudian?
I just really am a freak about them; and, they transport me right back to my infancy.
I know it’s a mouse… I don’t even have to see it. Clyde is scampering all over the place. And at 24 pounds he moves for a siren and food…. Nothing else.
OMG there it is. It escaped his grasp and is coming straight at me…
all 2.1 inches of it.
It is going to kill me …
infect with some undiscovered virus …
at least will leave me permanently disfigured….
OMG OMG OMG
SCREAMING…. SCREAMING…. SCREAMING
‘it’s a mouse….its a mouse…. he has a mouse…. AKKKKKKKKK.”
And then I am running in my nightgown…. Mascara on only one eye… “ACCKKK”
Landon…. “you top it mouse…you leave my Mommy alone…..don’t you be mean to my Mommy”
Okay that is cute right and ….and…. so sad.
Oh Thank God… Clyde has it… I guess I can get off the chair now…..
I watch in horror as Clyde torments his victim. It’s awful.
Tap, tap, tap, I’ll let you move a bit… then tap, tap, tap.
JUST EAT HIM DAMNIT!
This entire process is a little like watching men mating.
I like you…
I can’t breathe…
I must have you…
All the while this dance goes on I am screaming….
“I told you mice to stay away”
OMG…. IT’S MOVING TOWARDS ME AGAIN
So this mouse is in the house and mobile. I am also mobile – running like a freaky teenager after the Jonas brothers.
… “he will eat you…. I am a vegetarian… but he is NOT…”
…ACKKKK! Now he is running again…. Towards me…. in to the bathroom… acck!
I slipped… back up again…
He is under the TV now… chest heaving…. it’s okay… breathe…
Where are my children during all of this hysteria you ask?
I have no idea…. I am just trying to survive people….
He is in the bathroom now….
How in God’s name am I going to get ready?
I am certainly not going in THERE
All the while this chaos is underway, I am not paying attention to the little peeps. I hear a bit of a crash. Dear God – what now?
Seriously… this cannot be happening #2 child has pulled a placemat off the table. Not really a big deal in and of itself.. except that it had a bowl of fruitloops on it…
So now the bowl is on her head. Moving it you get a sort of a wet colorful cornrow type of effect…
Snoop Tenny I guess we call her now.
We are late and we have to go. I will just wear a hat and my Jackie O glasses to hide the one eye without mascara. I am having heart palpitations all the way to school.
Kids inside… Landon tells all her teachers how there was a HUGE mouse (arms outstretched perhaps the size of large beachball)…. “and mommy so creaming….”
Children deposited at school…. Pulling in driveway
Breathing…balance the chakras..
I will know what the status is as I hit the door….
If I find my boy Clyde calm with belly exposed to the ceiling…
I will know…
that the mouse is no longer with us…
He has met his maker and is now calm and seated quietly in Heaven’s cheese room.
And it will be confirmed when I find the remains of the prey under the dining room table.