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Unwrapped

29 Aug

 Today we did something very ambitious… we went to church.

 I don’t think we have been since Tenny has been home with us. 

Actually I know we have not…I just feel less like a heathen when I say I think…

 STRESSFUL – getting two kids up and “church” dressed, not to mention me.

Church dressed for me is a skirt.  Honest to God, I don’t get what people wear to Church in Denver.  Shorts…. hiking shorts… seriously?  I am Southern and we step it up a bit for church … but please.  Yoga tops — now, I do really think that Yoga Top should be put in a shrine of some kind… right next to the Yoga Pant… reigning king… but to Church…    Cough up a little something nice for the man upstairs how ’bout it?

Moving on

But not before a sidebar…. I really have figured out the challenge of single motherhood… it a numbers game.

I am today and always outnumbered…

This is not good…

we all know that…

in life more is better …

almost always. 

More cheese.. ALWAYS better

More jewelry – don’t even need to address this

More money – … duh

More is just better

 So the kids are the “more” part here…  I can’t be in all the places I need to be.  I am considering getting life-size paper dolls of myself, posting them about the house.  I’ll add eyes that move and tape record my voice. 

What do you think?  I may be on to something.  If nothing else, it will make a great Halloween decoration.

 Okay so back to church…

We arrive with 5 minutes to spare.  

Ab-so-damn-lutely amazing.

 I am wearing a brown wrap dress that I paid 20.00 for at Sam’s.  Although when complimented I typically say I got it at Nordstrom ( it is BCBG… so it is possible…kinda..)

 If you know anything about fashion ….a wrap dress is a good thing.  

 Stacy and Clinton love them (I can’t even believe I am actually explaining this but… for the one person who has been on a deserted island for the last 8 years…. they are on What Not To Wear and are the King and Queen of fashion in my eyes).

 I would say that a wrap dress (or wrap shirt for that matter) is a win for anyone really.

 So I am feeling good as we are there and all dressed and not in the YP (yoga pant) for once.

 For Tenny, this church thing is scary,  new folks and smells.  I am walking her around trying to get her to relax in the 4 ½ minutes we have before church.  She is clutching on to me as if  we are about to walk the plank – hugging, fingernails gripping, pulling my dress….

 I am using my best calming voice

“Its okay… you will be okay…”

 I pass the guest pastor – lovely older man (like close to 80).  He appears to have just had his eye dilated… I mean they are huge!    I am thinking this is strange…. I mean who goes to the eye doctor on Sunday… odd.

 I take the girls in to the Sunday school class.  And here again the teacher (Mrs. Peters) has apparently also just had her pupils dilated. I don’t know that I have even seen anyone with eyes so large – it was peculiar – as if she had been startled.

 “Tenny stop pulling my dress… RELAX”

 OMG OMG OMG

 I know why these people have such big eyes… they are in shock.  Call an EMT.

 I glance down to see that Tenny, in her terror, had pulled my wrap dress completely open and exposed my entire chest (not a good day for a demi-cup).   

 Mrs. Peters… appears to be trying to form a sentence… she is trying to say:
“thank you for showing us all your vital organs”

 Tenny sees candy and releases her clutch. This allows me time to escape to the bathroom to correct my wardrobe malfunction.  

 I am thinking we need to add a disclaimer on any sort of wrap dress/top: 

WARNING… NOT TO BE WORN AROUND SMALL CHILDREN….

CONTENTS MAY EMPTY WITHOUT NOTICE.

 Before we even got out the door to church, we sort of had an accident.  I have been telling the girls not to shut the door… someone will get hurt.

 And here we are again – proving my psychic abilities.

 So Landon shuts the door

            I should say slams… for about the 7th time this morning. I am ticked…

 Stomping in to the room – “WHAT are you doing?”

 Well I guess I should have announced my entry in to the room…

because I whacked little miss Landon dead in the middle of the forehead…

such that I could see the doorknob imprint on her head.        

There goes my mother of the year award.    

 OMG  OMG OMG    (OMG should really just be my middle name)

 Seriously…. I cannot believe this.  I am trying to get to church to CENTER myself – but I may commit a double homicide before I can get out the door.

 So we count fingers…  (“How many fingers am I holding up Landon?”)

do the icepack thing…

watch for sleepy behavior …

she seems okay… we will brave the walk across the street to church….

(and yes all this just to get across the street to CHURCH) 

After I am adjusted, I go back to Sunday School to see Mrs. Peters apparently recovering but still fanning herself.  

“Oh… can you keep an eye Landon for a bit…

I sort of gave her a mild concussion this morning… 

she is okay…

but come get me if she starts to sway”

 I go in the sanctuary… I believe I was added to the top and bottom of the prayer list (perhaps all those in between too)

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1 Comment

Posted by on August 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

One response to “Unwrapped

  1. Marge Roate

    August 30, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Hardly know to which episode I will respond first! Of course…praise the Lord for your tenacious efforts that resulted in getting to church. I’m confident a blessing will result….not because you were actually at church, but because it is one clear indicator of your acknowlegement of God almighty. AND….He does say ask and you shall receive…..so ask for the blessings girl!! As for the drama that occurred at home as ya’ll were getting ready and the drama of the wrap dress…hey..those were just clear indicators that miracles do still happen. How else would you have ever made ultimately to church?!!!LOL!!! Bless ya heart!

     

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