Today we did something very ambitious… we went to church.
I don’t think we have been since Tenny has been home with us.
Actually I know we have not…I just feel less like a heathen when I say I think…
STRESSFUL – getting two kids up and “church” dressed, not to mention me.
Church dressed for me is a skirt. Honest to God, I don’t get what people wear to Church in Denver. Shorts…. hiking shorts… seriously? I am Southern and we step it up a bit for church … but please. Yoga tops — now, I do really think that Yoga Top should be put in a shrine of some kind… right next to the Yoga Pant… reigning king… but to Church… Cough up a little something nice for the man upstairs how ’bout it?
But not before a sidebar…. I really have figured out the challenge of single motherhood… it a numbers game.
I am today and always outnumbered…
This is not good…
we all know that…
in life more is better …
More cheese.. ALWAYS better
More jewelry – don’t even need to address this
More money – … duh
More is just better
So the kids are the “more” part here… I can’t be in all the places I need to be. I am considering getting life-size paper dolls of myself, posting them about the house. I’ll add eyes that move and tape record my voice.
What do you think? I may be on to something. If nothing else, it will make a great Halloween decoration.
Okay so back to church…
We arrive with 5 minutes to spare.
I am wearing a brown wrap dress that I paid 20.00 for at Sam’s. Although when complimented I typically say I got it at Nordstrom ( it is BCBG… so it is possible…kinda..)
If you know anything about fashion ….a wrap dress is a good thing.
Stacy and Clinton love them (I can’t even believe I am actually explaining this but… for the one person who has been on a deserted island for the last 8 years…. they are on What Not To Wear and are the King and Queen of fashion in my eyes).
I would say that a wrap dress (or wrap shirt for that matter) is a win for anyone really.
So I am feeling good as we are there and all dressed and not in the YP (yoga pant) for once.
For Tenny, this church thing is scary, new folks and smells. I am walking her around trying to get her to relax in the 4 ½ minutes we have before church. She is clutching on to me as if we are about to walk the plank – hugging, fingernails gripping, pulling my dress….
I am using my best calming voice
“Its okay… you will be okay…”
I pass the guest pastor – lovely older man (like close to 80). He appears to have just had his eye dilated… I mean they are huge! I am thinking this is strange…. I mean who goes to the eye doctor on Sunday… odd.
I take the girls in to the Sunday school class. And here again the teacher (Mrs. Peters) has apparently also just had her pupils dilated. I don’t know that I have even seen anyone with eyes so large – it was peculiar – as if she had been startled.
“Tenny stop pulling my dress… RELAX”
OMG OMG OMG
I know why these people have such big eyes… they are in shock. Call an EMT.
I glance down to see that Tenny, in her terror, had pulled my wrap dress completely open and exposed my entire chest (not a good day for a demi-cup).
Mrs. Peters… appears to be trying to form a sentence… she is trying to say:
“thank you for showing us all your vital organs”
Tenny sees candy and releases her clutch. This allows me time to escape to the bathroom to correct my wardrobe malfunction.
I am thinking we need to add a disclaimer on any sort of wrap dress/top:
WARNING… NOT TO BE WORN AROUND SMALL CHILDREN….
CONTENTS MAY EMPTY WITHOUT NOTICE.
Before we even got out the door to church, we sort of had an accident. I have been telling the girls not to shut the door… someone will get hurt.
And here we are again – proving my psychic abilities.
So Landon shuts the door
I should say slams… for about the 7th time this morning. I am ticked…
Stomping in to the room – “WHAT are you doing?”
Well I guess I should have announced my entry in to the room…
because I whacked little miss Landon dead in the middle of the forehead…
such that I could see the doorknob imprint on her head.
There goes my mother of the year award.
OMG OMG OMG (OMG should really just be my middle name)
Seriously…. I cannot believe this. I am trying to get to church to CENTER myself – but I may commit a double homicide before I can get out the door.
So we count fingers… (“How many fingers am I holding up Landon?”)
do the icepack thing…
watch for sleepy behavior …
she seems okay… we will brave the walk across the street to church….
(and yes all this just to get across the street to CHURCH)
After I am adjusted, I go back to Sunday School to see Mrs. Peters apparently recovering but still fanning herself.
“Oh… can you keep an eye Landon for a bit…
I sort of gave her a mild concussion this morning…
she is okay…
but come get me if she starts to sway”
I go in the sanctuary… I believe I was added to the top and bottom of the prayer list (perhaps all those in between too)