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SWOOOSH

10 Sep

Lets talk about the travel potty—a topic of which I am a bonafide expert.

Recently while traveling, I had the opportunity to really examine the whole potty thing.

So you get off the flight…

been holding it because…

as soon as they tell you to sit down – we are landing…

it’ like someone, a mean leprechaun perhaps, is inside you just shoving the wee down.

Am I right?

 So exiting the airplane at breakneck speed…

you find the first potty and go in. 

 

Everything is automatic now…  I mean it’s as if someone thinks we are all hand amputees.

So you want to line the sucker (the germ infested toilet seat)…

because God only knows whose ass has been on it. 

Okay first hang your purse on the hook

(cause there is some new disease from Africa percolating on the floor…)

Pull out the toilet liner and lay it flat on the seat…

Okay unzip your britches…

DAMNIT

The flush sensor went off….

NO….

my liner!

It is swirling down the toilet now….

I HATE THAT SENSOR!

Seriously the last thing in the world I need automated … is the flusher…

Automatic door …

No problem…

Automatic water…

Thank you…

But the flusher…

COME ON

 

I mean seriously if you want to automate something…how bout the gas pump.

I would like it to sense my arrival….

Travel gracefully and unassisted to my gas cap….

Which it removes with plastic gloves to deposit no more germs…

Fill it up to the exact right level…

With not a drop of overflow…

Then Cap it off with a quick dust of the cap cover…

Finishing with a Evian spitz to my face.

 Now…  THAT is worthy of automation…

            And…

applause. 

Okay fine, we will try again.

Pull out the seat liner…

Last one – be careful…

Perfectly in place…

Cautiously unzipping pants…

Stay out of automatic flush sensor line…

SWWOOOOSHHHHH

DAMNIT AGAIN

STOP!

Trying to grab…

but…

the …

undertow…

is pulling…

it down…

The sensor must have caught my reflection. 

DAMNIT   DAMNIT    DAMNIT

And that was the last freakin’ liner.

Okay fine!

I will do like those crazy campers do…

I will squat.

I have strong legs; I have done it before.  

Squatting ….

Ready to go…

(really no issue here… I have been preparing to pee for like 11 minutes now…)

HALLELUJAH … I do love to Pee!

Just about done here…

Quads are beginning to shake.

 SWOOOSH…

 SHUT UP!!!

 I MOVED…. 

 I cannot believe it…. I moved while trying to stabilize my pee’ing body…just one teensy weensy centimeter

 SWOOOOOSH      SWOOOOOSH

 My ass is now being sprayed with airport water and my own PEE

 ACKKKKKKK   ACCKKKKKK   ACCCCKKKKK

I am just not a fan of anyone but me washing my ass.

And I swear…

I just know…

that some man is behind this design. 

No woman would EVER create such a lame design….

And I also know….

that this same guy is watching me…

through a peephole in the ceiling…

laughing his ass off.

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2 Comments

Posted by on September 10, 2010 in Potty

 

2 responses to “SWOOOSH

  1. Swati

    September 10, 2010 at 10:43 am

    oh shit Kelly – you have me laughing out loud again!! I hate that automated-booty-rinse!! definitely a man!! I’m linking to this on FB!
    Swati

     
  2. Marge Roate

    September 10, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    OMG….your life is full of amazingly routine activities that somehow seem so much funnier happening to you than when I had the same darn things happen. WELL, to think of it, they were funny…usually after much time had lapsed! Bless ya heart, Aunt Margie

     

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