RSS

Steppin’ Out

13 Sep

I woke Saturday with aching calves….

honestly, I had to look. 

I thought contained inside them were Russian gymnasts …

doing multiple round offs… 

and landing securely and squarely against the back of my legs.

I, you see, did a step class…

not just any step class…

but an Extreme Advanced Step Class.

Now I will not shy from saying that in my hay-day I was quite the stepper …

a stepper extraordinaire if you will…

you know…

like 15 years ago.

I joined Bally’s (yes I know it is a bit… greasy – but I am a WHOLE lot CHEAPER now that I am supporting two chi-rens.).  

Plus as I originally joined Bally’s like in 1925…

my dues are about 9.00 per month.

So at Ballys, they (being right on top of the most current fitness craze) are doing a step class.  I was all twitterpated…

SOOOO excited

I mean when is the last time you took a full on kickin it to the 90’s step class?

Divine it was.  

Jimm (two m’s – what?  Who does that?)

… the instructor ….

apparently did a hit of some really good crack before he came in.   Because I am going to tell you….

I move quickly…

if you can get past me…

pat yourself on the back. 

This guy was smoking me. 

I mean it was like he was in a car and I was using a walker ….

Absolute Madness 

Pivot

Turn

Chug

Round the world… Round the World…Round the World

Triple Knee

Grapevine

Turn step  Turn step  Turn step   Turn step  Turn step

LORD HAVE MERCY – let it go with the damn turn step already.

 

All at a speed really unsafe for anyone who is not also on a narcotic.

Honey Paaallllease!

turn it down a notch.  

Damnation…

I think my face may ignite..

it is so red. 

 

I managed to keep up most all the class.   I am guessing Jimm is wondering what the  hell is wrong with my shoelaces (I was easy to see because there were only 4 fools in the class). 

I bent down about 8 times to tie my shoes – looking for any excuse I could find to actually breathe.   One time I felt the room begin to spin as the hot air rushed to my head, stabilizing myself on my now near empty water bottle…

It was like an Oasis

 

God Almighty, how can it only be 12:30…

I need to check that clock battery….

It HAS to be almost 1:00.

 

And there was an elderly woman in there too – so totally in the wrong class.  She kept looking at Jimm as if …

you cannot be serious…

wondering perhaps if he had set foot on a fire ant hill.

I think she mistook step to be a sort of bench resting class. 

This guy did a straight 70 minutes of cardio (when the schedule clearly indicated 60 minutes). 

At the conclusion of this torture session, his “cool down” consisted of an ass slap and a pansy wave. 

OMG             OMG             OMG

So Saturday upon rising and setting foot on my badly stained carpet…

OMG….

My calves were seizing…

spasms…

My toes numb with pain.

Were my legs attacked by a shark in the middle of the night?

They hurt so badly I was not certain I could make it to get my tea.  

FINALLY…I make it…swearing the entire 11 feet in to the kitchen.

I land resting on the counter…panting

I was ready to seek this man out and dress him in flannel and oversized dockers…

oh so gay he was …

just…

so so gay…

which is not a problem to me at all (I like a man who dresses well and knows how to use hair product)…

except …

when you cause me the worst pain of my life

How do I know this man was gay…

well…

well…

did you read this?

he was not only doing Step…

he was teaching it…

and the year?

The year is 2010.

How many MEN do you think were in this class?

He IS gay.  

And let me comment on the music…

I could go on forever but will cinch this with one little word…

CHER                  (idolized and revered by all gay men)

“Do you believe in life after love….”

Nuff said. 

I would seriously have tried to hunt him down and kick his ass…

had I feeling in my lower extremities.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on September 13, 2010 in Cher, Exercise

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: