Target Practice

16 Sep

The medal of honor for valor and stupidity goes to …


Kelly Ozley


Enduring a 65 minute grocery shopping session with two toddlers (under four).

Not just any grocery store…


The Super Target

The Super Target meaning the pinnacle of stimulation and hyperactivity.

The haven of all sorts of useless (and some useful) crap you don’t need.


I was comforted to know that this Super Target has booze and wondered more than once just how tacky it would be to crack open a chardonnay.

So Landon is allowed to get ONE toy (under like 5.00)…

which requires a trip to the TOY section (or as I like to call it pure hell) 

We are headed to the back of the store and I feel it…

Heart palpitations….

Here it comes….


All the pool and water toys are on sale.

Landon is glassy-eyed.

“Mommy I want”

“Mommy I need”

“Mommy I die if I no have X”


She asks first for a ball.  I explain we already have 7 of varying sizes and colors.

Then she wants a noodle, a noodle for the pool…

The pool….

Which we do not have.


Next a hot pink toddler life jacket.

 “Mommy I need dis”

“why honey?”

“because it bootiful and it pink”

“honey you do not need that”

“Mommy I do…

I so does need it”

“You do not Landon”

“Mommy why?”

“Because…we…do not have a boat”



Feeling a roll of nausea coming on…

We are entering the toy section – full on…

 Barbie aisle…

Geez… did our nation’s pepto bismol supply explode here?

And we are on again:


“can I have dis doll?”

“dis dress?”

“dis hat?”


Distracting the menacing toddlers with a lollipop…

 Now the baby aisle. 

God some of these are disgustingly real. 


“I want all of dees”

 This baby wee’s on you

This baby drinks from a bottle

This baby cries

This baby does all of that and her head spins around – it’s the Linda Blair doll.

 Almost at the end – only 2 more toy aisles left

There is some gorilla toy on the endcap – making all kinds of noises and screaming, in a makeshift cage.

That of course scares the crap out of Tenny who is white knuckle clawing me…

Landon starts to cry too

Barreling out of there, we hit the adjacent endcap, chock full of legos, with the cart.


I hit it square on in my effort to escape the jungle monkey…

Bottom two shelves are now basically on the floor in a lego heap.



hiding in the shower curtain aisle….

They will never suspect to find the perpetrator in a bath aisle.

Here we go – actually shopping for food now.

Ice cream.

“Mommy I want banilla ice cream”

“okay got it right here, vanilla bean”

“Not DAT one…. Just white…only white Mommy”

“okay fine! here it is…. French vanilla” in the cart

“NOOOOOOO Mommy – White – Dat not white… it yellow…

I want the reary white kind”

Sweet Lord!

 “Okay fine – are you happy? Cheap Target brand plain vanilla two dollars and 29 cents”

 This basically goes on throughout the store.  Fun in every aisle.  I have broken a sweat and my vow not to swear today; but, because it is not audible, I am feeling as it is does not count.

We get to the checkout… a place I thought we might never reach. 


Tennyson is melting, melting down before my very eyes… throwing, kicking, screaming…

it is…



This could explain the reason that no one will get in line behind me.

65 minutes of full on Target shopping is just too much for any one 19 month old.


In the random flailing of her arms she sends the bananas cascading to the ground.

I HATE a bruised banana.  I am very careful to purchase a variety of bananas of graduated stages of ripeness for best eating potential…

Never a bruised or even dimpledone, not even one banana.

OCD much Kel?

And what is this…

Princess Jasmine in my cart.

I did not get these.

And crayons… I pick these up either.


“Landon? You got some “splainin’ to do”

Or should I say “clepto?”

And here is a Barbie… how did she get all of this stuff?

“Mommy, I want orange gum”


“But Mommy I need it”


Tenny in the background

“Landon you cannot have gum…

Until you are 20”

“but Maaaa-OOMMM, why?”

“Because you put it on the flat screen TV”

Seriously God…I could use a break here.

Landon is out of the cart, promising good behavior if “freed”

And secretly saying “sucker” under her breath I suspect.

The peg hooks…

DAMN I forgot about the peghooks…

strategically placed, full of colorful and sugar laden items, by sadistic hourly employees with no children now or ever planned.

We are taking the items one by one off the peg hooks and putting them on the belt for purchase.

 “Landon ENOUGH”

The clerk offers Landon a sticker to “listen to your mama”…

before she goes all apeshit, she is thinking. 

Landon gladly snags it and continues her adventure in demolition.

She climbs up on the perch of the check out and cops a squat. 

The clerk says

“Um ma’am….

Can you move her…

That is a liability issue for Target”


“well I hate to tell you this…

But having these two in here for 30 seconds is a liability for Target”


“And just so you know

            That lego debacle in the back…

                        We had nothing to do with it.”


Posted by on September 16, 2010 in Shopping, Target


2 responses to “Target Practice

  1. Marge Roate

    September 17, 2010 at 6:43 am

    KO…keep on talkin’….Love and hugs to all three of you.

  2. Jaidene

    September 17, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Dear, dear Kelly if you EVER need me to fill in for you while you go grocery shopping or other you should call me. I can either go with you and the girls OR I can do a quick free babysitting session for you. I used to do this all the time for my sister when she was raising 4 children all within two years of each other. I am more than quailified. You dear sweet mom


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