The medal of honor for valor and stupidity goes to …
Enduring a 65 minute grocery shopping session with two toddlers (under four).
Not just any grocery store…
The Super Target
The Super Target meaning the pinnacle of stimulation and hyperactivity.
The haven of all sorts of useless (and some useful) crap you don’t need.
I was comforted to know that this Super Target has booze and wondered more than once just how tacky it would be to crack open a chardonnay.
So Landon is allowed to get ONE toy (under like 5.00)…
which requires a trip to the TOY section (or as I like to call it pure hell)
We are headed to the back of the store and I feel it…
Here it comes….
All the pool and water toys are on sale.
Landon is glassy-eyed.
“Mommy I want”
“Mommy I need”
“Mommy I die if I no have X”
She asks first for a ball. I explain we already have 7 of varying sizes and colors.
Then she wants a noodle, a noodle for the pool…
Which we do not have.
Next a hot pink toddler life jacket.
“Mommy I need dis”
“because it bootiful and it pink”
“honey you do not need that”
“Mommy I do…
I so does need it”
“You do not Landon”
“Because…we…do not have a boat”
Feeling a roll of nausea coming on…
We are entering the toy section – full on…
Geez… did our nation’s pepto bismol supply explode here?
And we are on again:
“can I have dis doll?”
Distracting the menacing toddlers with a lollipop…
Now the baby aisle.
God some of these are disgustingly real.
“MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”
“I want all of dees”
This baby wee’s on you
This baby drinks from a bottle
This baby cries
This baby does all of that and her head spins around – it’s the Linda Blair doll.
Almost at the end – only 2 more toy aisles left
There is some gorilla toy on the endcap – making all kinds of noises and screaming, in a makeshift cage.
That of course scares the crap out of Tenny who is white knuckle clawing me…
Landon starts to cry too
Barreling out of there, we hit the adjacent endcap, chock full of legos, with the cart.
I hit it square on in my effort to escape the jungle monkey…
Bottom two shelves are now basically on the floor in a lego heap.
hiding in the shower curtain aisle….
They will never suspect to find the perpetrator in a bath aisle.
Here we go – actually shopping for food now.
“Mommy I want banilla ice cream”
“okay got it right here, vanilla bean”
“Not DAT one…. Just white…only white Mommy”
“okay fine! here it is…. French vanilla” in the cart
“NOOOOOOO Mommy – White – Dat not white… it yellow…
I want the reary white kind”
“Okay fine – are you happy? Cheap Target brand plain vanilla two dollars and 29 cents”
This basically goes on throughout the store. Fun in every aisle. I have broken a sweat and my vow not to swear today; but, because it is not audible, I am feeling as it is does not count.
We get to the checkout… a place I thought we might never reach.
Tennyson is melting, melting down before my very eyes… throwing, kicking, screaming…
This could explain the reason that no one will get in line behind me.
65 minutes of full on Target shopping is just too much for any one 19 month old.
In the random flailing of her arms she sends the bananas cascading to the ground.
I HATE a bruised banana. I am very careful to purchase a variety of bananas of graduated stages of ripeness for best eating potential…
Never a bruised or even dimpledone, not even one banana.
OCD much Kel?
And what is this…
Princess Jasmine in my cart.
I did not get these.
And crayons… I pick these up either.
“Landon? You got some “splainin’ to do”
Or should I say “clepto?”
And here is a Barbie… how did she get all of this stuff?
“Mommy, I want orange gum”
“But Mommy I need it”
WAAAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAA
Tenny in the background
“Landon you cannot have gum…
Until you are 20”
“but Maaaa-OOMMM, why?”
“Because you put it on the flat screen TV”
Seriously God…I could use a break here.
Landon is out of the cart, promising good behavior if “freed”
And secretly saying “sucker” under her breath I suspect.
The peg hooks…
DAMN I forgot about the peghooks…
strategically placed, full of colorful and sugar laden items, by sadistic hourly employees with no children now or ever planned.
We are taking the items one by one off the peg hooks and putting them on the belt for purchase.
The clerk offers Landon a sticker to “listen to your mama”…
before she goes all apeshit, she is thinking.
Landon gladly snags it and continues her adventure in demolition.
She climbs up on the perch of the check out and cops a squat.
The clerk says
Can you move her…
That is a liability issue for Target”
“well I hate to tell you this…
But having these two in here for 30 seconds is a liability for Target”
“And just so you know
That lego debacle in the back…
We had nothing to do with it.”