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The Rear View Mirror

19 Sep

My friend told me that I “have to get some leggings”

Why?

Because they are SOOOO in.

I don’t know….

Just not sure…

But…

After some prodding I was convinced to try.

It is a quiet Sunday in Macys.

Long tops are everywhere.

Matching leggings on the adjacent racks.

I try a random sampling.

Now… my friend had told me that since I work out they would look GREAT.

I am feeling pretty good.

I have worked out for over 20 years now on a regular basis.

So I am really thinking how bad can this be.

Okay so these leggings are super duper tight…

If I can get them over my meaty calves we should be okay…

I will look like a sexy mama…

Which you all know is really my only goal in life.

Okay first pair up and over…

Have to get tissue to dab the sweat off my forehead.

Its beading up and falling in to my eyes…

Making it really hard to see how fabulous I look.

They are brown, as is everything else in my wardrobe.

Brown is the new black…

Did you know?

Okay this is not that bad… I could probably do these…

With the right shoes I will be breathtaking…

Let’s just check out the rest of them…

ACKKKKK

ACKKKKK

ACKKKKKKK

OMG

OMG OMG OMG

OMG OMG OMG OMG

Almost done..

OMG

What is THAT?

OMG OMG OMG

My eyes!!!        I can’t look!!!               But I can’t not look…

Seriously it cannot be…

That…. is my ass…

My ass…

in a 3 way mirror

In tight leggings.

Who in their right mind invented these?

Lets think about …

The people wearing these are probably 30-60.

And most people over 30…

Well… is this the best look for you…

Even IF you are in good shape…

OMG

And then slap on a pair of stilettos…

Lets just get you a corner and a pimp and you are set.

KNOCK  KNOCK

Hi, I’m Brittany” (of course you are)

“Can I help you?”

Yes, can you scrape my dignity off that damn mirror?

Dear God

“Um so like Brittany…

I am not sure I can do this”

“Well let me see”

“oh no…

You can totally wear these”

“oh I don’t know…

You know I am not 25 any more

I am X”  (it’s really none of your business if you don’t already know that number)

“Really?  Wow you certainly don’t look it…

My mom is almost your age”

I HATE her

“you look way better than her…

She could never wear those”

Her mother hates her too.

“No I am serious you should get those…

They look great.”

Love her again.

She exits so I can agonize over my decision.

Walking out with my purchase…

I have decided to do it…

To bite the bullet and buy these ridiculous pants…

Brittany is handing me my bag…

Post sale and…

Smirking…

She is smirking…

OMG

She…

She…

She works on commission.

She LIED to me.

I do not look adorable…

I look like a 40 something year old woman in leggings…

which should only be worn by hookers and pop singers.

But…

I got 20% off…

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5 Comments

Posted by on September 19, 2010 in Fashion, Shopping

 

5 responses to “The Rear View Mirror

  1. Marge Roate

    September 19, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    Your talkin’ keeps me goin’…..keep it up! Love and hugs, Aunt Margie

     
  2. Jill

    September 20, 2010 at 12:53 am

    Oh Kell, ya kill me! I have just spent the last 45 mins going through these posts (bad Jilly – been too busy with boy stuff) and have a glass of wine at hand. You are the best writer. So seriously real and what a pleasure it is to take this ‘motherly’ trip with you. Thanks so much for sharing. Just love ya. xxj

     
  3. Swati

    September 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Brittany is stupid – she shoulda had a $200 sweater waiting for you (and every other 40 year old woman) at check out that went over your bottom – she’d have tripled her commission every time.

    Swati

     
  4. kris

    September 20, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I believe this is my first time here.

    I am giggling and snorting with laughter.

    Love you.

    Hee hee!

    Love you.

     
    • kellyozley

      September 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm

      OMG — you are like a celebrity. Do you know George Clooney??? I LOVE your blog. I don’t know which is my favorite — the Dentak one or the one about Dude at your holiday dinner. This is so exciting. I am glad you enjoyed it.

       

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