Real Mother?

30 Sep

I have wanted to post something like this for some time now.

Everyone knows that I adopted my beautiful girls.  The thing IS …

I forget.

I forget that they didn’t come from my body.

I mean I have stretch marks – doesn’t that count?

I forget that I didn’t carry them in my womb for 9 months.

But I remember and I know that I have always carried them in my heart.  There was an immediate recognition upon seeing their pictures…

that they were mine…

And always have been.

So one of the things I have wanted to do to “give back”…

(because I do have SOOO much in my life for which to be thankful)…

is to educate people about adoption…

things to say and mostly what not to.

I really don’t think people are trying to be mean – or at least that is the place from which I choose to view this.

I think they are ignorant or uneducated about the process and the impact of their statements/questions.

So rather than smack them, I would like to share some guidance.

They are MY kids, plain and simple.  Their origin is of no matter and it’s really none of your business.

Now that said…

If you are interested in adoption and want help  – all day long you can count on me.

It’s just the reason behind your inquiries and the content of  them which I question.  And the following are not accepted in any way:

  1. What happened to her/him?  I will not justify this and you are close to ending up with coffee in you lap.
  2. What’s wrong with her/him?  Not a damn thing and see repercussions from #1.
  3. Don’t whisper about this in front of my kids…like there is something wrong or it’s bad.  My kids are not deaf.
  4. And please don’t ask me why their Real Mom didn’t “want” them.  Because seriously this one makes me the most angry.  How ballsy?  What the hell?  This one really makes me want to SLAP someone  – HARD.
    1. It’s their life and it’s the way it is. There is nothing wrong. This is the way (I believe) God intended it.  So their birth mother loved them.  She loved them so much she gave them a chance for a good and healthy life.  That is love; there is nothing wrong here.
    2. Don’t make derogatory comments about the birth mother.  I don’t know her whole story; only she does.   But… around here we celebrate her.  We don’t hate her.  And when my two are older they will not be allowed to bad mouth their birth mother either.  And today if I saw her, through my tears, I would invite her in for dinner and try to find the words to thank her.
  5. And REAL MOTHER?  Are you kidding me?
    1. See you are confused because I am her REAL mother.  I AM her mother.
      1. I changed her diapers, I rush her to the hospital when she falls, I cook food for her daily.
      2. I cry for her – for the things I don’t want her to see in this world.
      3. I read to her, I sing to her, I tell her stories of princesses and true love.
      4. I love her all day every day no matter what.
      5. I worry about her, I make sure she is respectful and kind.
      6. I AM her Real Mother – See why you should not ask this question…the answer takes 35 minutes to share.
  6. What happened to her real mother?  I am right here and am quite fine Thank you.
  7. Are they REAL sisters/brother/siblings?  Yes, they are real;  I find the ones made of clay a little boring you know.
  8. Does he/she know how much you went through?  It was a labor of love just like natural births.
  9. Does he/she know how much he/she cost?   That is SO none of your damn business and really quite rude.  Would you ask how much someone’s fertility treatments were?  IVF?
  10. Man they look so much like you I would never have guessed you are not their REAL mother.  I AM their REAL mother and I consider that a compliment (jerkface!)
  11. You are a hero.  You saved them for a horrible life.
    1. Okay this one may be my 2nd most irritating.  I do believe that the intent behind this one is “goodness” and that it is meant as a compliment.  But again these children are not deaf.  And I am not a hero.  They are the heroes. They saved ME! I desperately wanted a family and I have them now.    And really you can look at this as selfish.  I WANTED children and I made it happen.  Please…I am no hero.  I AM their mother.
  12. I don’t have a trans-racial adoptive family; but, my friends do.  And ya’ll should just get over it.  Moms are Moms and Dads are Dads – this is their family; they are happy.   If you don’t like it or question it, can you just hold on to it – they don’t need to hear that.

Things I will answer nicely if asked with sincerity:

  1. What was the process like?
  2. How hard was it to do this?
  3. Do you have any advice for adoptive parents?
  4. Tell me how motherhood has changed your life?
  5. Will you help me?

And just so you know, I did consult a literary source:

What IS a mother?

From Merriam Webster:

Mother a female parent

This led me to What is a Parent:

Also from Merriam Webster:

Parent: a person who brings up and cares for another

Okay so I am their Mother…

their REAL mother.



Posted by on September 30, 2010 in Adoption, Birth Mother, Parenting


Tags: ,

4 responses to “Real Mother?

  1. Marge Roate

    September 30, 2010 at 10:44 am

    ‘Nuff said! Amen and amen sister!

    • kellyozley

      September 30, 2010 at 10:45 am

      How funny — that is almost how I ended it — Nuff said. Amen back at ya.

  2. Lori Lavender Luz

    October 2, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Ahhh…the “real” questions. There are so many family configurations these days that I’m surprised this issue still comes up. It does make one question “what makes a REAL family?”

    You are wise to speak lovingly of your daughter’s birth parents. For in loving/respecting them, you help your daughters love and respect themselves. What a gift to have, and what a curse to not have.

  3. countrystitchin

    October 4, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    claps loudly, well said!


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