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Monthly Archives: October 2010

Halloween… not Hallo-teen

It’s Halloween right.

What is up with the older kids trick or treating?

Is the economy really that bad?

I mean it bugs me.

Am I the only one?

Can’t you stay at home and watch scary movies or go roll someone’s yard.

When it is time to stop trick or treating?  I have some suggestions:

  1. When your voice changes.
  2. When people refer to you as “sir”.
  3. When you are 6’2” – just stop already.
  4. When you start shaving…
    1. Legs or face… it’s all the same.
  5. If you can work at or go to a bar.
  6. If you are knocked up.
  7. If you are buying tampons for your own personal use.
  8. If you are going to the senior prom.
  9. If you just got your acceptance letter from Penn State.

 

Tonight I went to the door for a trick or treat’r tonight and really had to do a double take…

This guy was dressed as a werewolf.

He was huge.  Easily 6’3”.

He said Trick or Treat and it was just like I was hearing Barry White speak.

OMG … sing to me baby

 

This year I gave out bubbles and crayons.

Really think I should have offered him a beer.

 

So while this does bug me…

teen trick or treating…

I would have given extra candy for this…

my favorite big kid costume.

 

The balloon boy has been found.

 

 

 

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Posted by on October 31, 2010 in Trick or Treat

 

Little People

Yesterday we went to Target –Super Target that is.

Love me some Super Target.

I have mistakenly taken both children.

It is the Friday before Halloween and they are dressed up

Which means that everyone is stopping us to say something.

Some apparently drunk man came up to my Princess dressed Landon and said

“akkkk… you scare me”

He did it twice.

I am not sure he knew it was the same child.

He WAS scary…

looked like Nick Nolte in his mug shot.

 

Finished and checking out…

Landon is so social these days.

She says to our cashier…

“Hi… how was your day?”

He answers with a smile and says “oh she is cute and well-behaved”

He missed the meltdown in the Hershey aisle 22 minutes ago.

 

Then another Target’teer (that’s what I call them) walks by…

probably on her way to the loo.

 

This person was small…

I guess “little person” is the correct terminology (like maybe a midget or a dwarf)…

Honestly I do NOT mean to offend anyone… I just don’t know the PC term.

 

You know how you can see something about to happen and the world stops spinning?

You can even see the words as each one leaves their mouth.

 

Sweet Landon says:

“Hey!…

Hey…

Are you little?”

Sweet Lord above.

Praying this little person is also deaf and/or that Time Travel will work for the first documented time right here in the Target.

OMG

The little lady responds:

“yep…

I am little”

OMG

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2010 in Misbehaving, Target

 

Toddlers Traveling…It’s Just Scary

More on  recent traveling nightmare…

So remembering I have both children  on this trip…

By myself..

We had a lot of stuff…

I mean a lot.

On our return trip, a friend and colleague of mine (Katy) was on the same flight.

It was easier for me…

It has permanently scarred her.

So we get to the airport…

Katy is watching me unload the clown car.

I just keep unloading while she watches the kids…

I can see her processing all of this…

Wondering how in the hell we are going to get all of this in the terminal…

Further wondering how I managed to get it all here in the first place.

It’s chaotic but we make it…

On the train we are…

Katy has the stroller and associated child

Her suitcase…

And her Prada bag.  (she has no children…  I am reusing my Macy’s bags)

She is in a near Chinese split with one arm around the stroller and the other hand braced against a support bar.

She is perspiring a bit I think.

I am beyond sweating… just a puddle of drip.

Inside and checked in.

Now to security.

I guess I am used to this chaos, but, I can see Katy is visibly shaken.

She is not happy that we seem to be in the additional security line…

And she hates to take out her lipgloss collection for screening.

 

Astounded at this I am…

Because…

I have…

One laptop
One DVD player
One child’s computer
One bag of applesauce and yogurt so the children do not perish on the flight.
A bag of medicine and Benadry
Hairspray and assorted toiletries of my own…
Three sets of shoes to remove…

Oh yeah… and 2 kids.

We make it through and Katy glances back as I hand Landon her lollipop off the security floor.

“I don’t…

see how…

you…

do it.”

She is able to get out only about 2 words at a time now as she is out of breath from the flurry of TSA activity…

I really think she may need oxygen.

We have time for a bite to eat.  She recommends ice cream…

Katy has no children…

Did I mention that?

She has no children, so she suggested ice cream OUT LOUD in the airport.

I have to get it now..

The words are out there and 3 ½ year olds live for that kind of slip up.

Ice creams in hand… we stroll on for some form of nourishment for the grownups (or as I like to call it… booze).

God in his infinite wisdom has placed a bar/restaurant directly across from our gate.  Hallelujah.

There are so many chairs and table in there that I can hardly get the stroller through (and this is one of those skinny little cheap ones).

The people are scared too…

I see lots of hand up all of a sudden…

for their checks…

hmm…

wonder if that has anything to do with our arrival.

I order something safe and non-messy… a cheese and cracker plate…

And of course wine.

While we wait, Landon somehow winds her ice cream cone across the back of my neighbor’s pin-striped suit.  OMG.  How?  I have no idea.

What did he say?

Well…

I don’t know…

I am not stupid…

I didn’t tell him.

The waiter arrives with the cheese plate.  80 cubes of assorted cheeses… 2 packs of club crackers.

2

Only 2

“Um sir… can we get some more crackers…these kids NEED crackers”

Who does not know that?

It’s kids…

And it’s a cheese and cracker plate…

Not a cheese and cheese plate.

I am going to seize this moment to go to the bathroom.  I trust Katy can keep these two Tazmanian devils under control for 5 minutes.

She is scared again.

I will give her careful instructions on the care and management of this clan for my brief departure.

“Katy…

whatever you do…

do not let them take my wine”

 

And then I went to pee.

 

OMG -- it's us at the airport.

 

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2010 in Toddler, Travel

 

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Tickling Smurfs

Why…

Why…

Why…

Would someone make a basecoat that is blue…

Blue tinted that is.

Just why?

So I have 0 (zero) time for personal beauty regimens.

But damnit…

I do try.

Tonight after threatening my kids with no more Halloween candy EVER…

I hear the sounds of heavy breathing…

Thank you God.

I am too cheap to pay for an actual French manicure so…

I will give myself one.

And I have to say I do a damn good job.

So…

So kids sleeping…

Nails done…

Ready for top coat…

Watching Dancing With The Stars

(and I am sorry…this season is painful to watch for me)…

Except for that Rick Fox… yummers!

Apply top coat…

I know – you are totally on the edge of your seat right??

So done and I go in to the kitchen for water…

DAMNIT!

What the hell happened to my hands?

My beautiful French manicure is now blue.

 

Confused…

Not at all a new experience for me…

 

I see that I grabbed, in error, a base coat…

which is blue…

Blue tinted…

I mean I noticed the BOTTLE was blue…

But who would think the actual polish is blue…

I mean I didn’t get it at Claire’s.

I thought it was like that Bombay Sapphire Gin bottle…

Like only blue on the outside but the gin is really not blue.

But it is…

It is so blue.

So now…

I look like I have been tickling smurfs.

 

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2010 in Beauty

 

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78 Gummy Bears

Let me tell you something about traveling with little kids…

Don’t do it…

I would stay home until they are at least 10

Or check with UPS on shipping rates

I have traveled with little ones A LOT

And I mean a LOT

They sent my 3 ½ year old a United credit card if that tells you anything

So recent trip with two in tow.

I was reminded of my life traveling pre-chil’rens.

ah...the good ol' days

People ask me all the time.

“How do you do it?”

Isn’t it hard?”

I really want to say “duh dumbass”

Why don’t you ask me something without an answer that is soooo obvious…

I am insane.

Could there be any other explanation?

Really I think I must be by now.

So two in tow cross-country

Two of those single serving Benadryls…

In my top 10 favorite products of all time…

The Pediatrician even recommends them…

For the health and welfare of all the passengers (especially mine)

And you know how much they slept…

Not a wink…

Not one

Me…

I am basically a zombie…

With a blank stare as an answer to anything including how are you and what would you like to drink.

I brought a book with me –

I have to plug it because it is sooooooooooooooooo good.

At Least In the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream.

You will laugh your ass off…

This guy and his partner move to the wilderness basically so he can write like Thoreau…

You will … D….I….E!!

So funny…

He does like a bad word (and it’s very effective)…

If that bothers you skip on to something in the self-help or cooking section.

I am so excited about this book I am sweating…

You are going to laugh out loud… maybe spray a little of your dink on your neighbor…

It’s worth it…

And if you don’t…

you need to make an appointment with your doctor…

Because something is seriously wrong with you)

Counting the minutes until my two cherubs go to dreamland…

AHHH….

Waiting…

Waiting…

Nothing…

Tennyson about to completely melt into a messy puddle because she can’t find food or a small toy to throw across the aisle…

And Landon on a tirade because the FAA will not permit the use of electronic devices during takeoff and landing.

Baffled…

“Aren’t you sleepy yet?”

Landon  “No!”

Tennyson…. “gglahdahha” or some such as she hurls her sippy mug in the floor.

Not going to give me even a wink.

DAMNIT!

I love to read but…

now it takes me 3-4 months to read a book…

just one book!

Even a funny one about being gay in the woods….

So I…

  • Read 0 pages…
  • Paced the cabin 11 times…
  • Changed 2 diapers…
  • Sat on a 20 month old to keep her from caressing 21C for the 11th time
  • And ate 78 gummy bears…

Because that is all I could manage with 2 toddlers…

And…

I was proud of that accomplishment.

I have lots more to share but am afraid to say more in this installment for fear it may case a plummet in holiday air travel.

oh my God! What a great idea... next time.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on October 23, 2010 in Traveling with kids

 

Royal Treatment

My daughter at 3 ½ has no concept of money or that I actually work.

Nor should she really at 3 1/2.

BUT…

Whenever I get a sitter, she asks

“Mama … you do yoga”

“You get sushi?”

And frankly both of those are valid questions but…

I do work.

And I like have a good job.

I am not sure what she thinks happens when she goes to school?

That maybe I just sit around and watch Dora and Caillou (which that last whiney one will just about put me over the edge every time)

 

During my business trip w/ the girls, we ordered a pizza one night (to vary the menu and because I cannot bear to pay 7.95 for kid’s spaghetti and then have the guy tell me we are out of cheese)

Cheese?

You are out of cheese?

I mean it’s not like I asked for a chimpanzee or something from a Mayan temple.

I mean parmesan cheese with spaghetti – seems pretty STANDARD DAMNIT.

Don’t look at me as if I am being bitchy…

Cuz I CAN do bitchy…

So the pizza guy shows up and hands me the pizza – just like that.

Like the fairy Godmother sent him.

Landon is just really awestruck…

“Dis so licious mommy….

It my favorite”

Which makes it the 48th favorite thing of the day.

“Mommy can we stay here?

Is this someone’s house?

Da man comes to da door with dis yummiest pizza?”

She didn’t see me give the credit card number or take a receipt (not the she would know what that was)

She thinks it’s magic.

And people just keep showing up with things…

Towels…

Coffee…

The paper

“Mommy I so loves it here….

I so enjoying myself…”

She says as my little princess lies among the fluffy white pillows.

“Mommy?  You get me a snack…

And something a drink…

And a blanket…

And my bear?”

Cuz seriously?  I am not moving from this fluffy little slice of heaven.

I may have just created a monster.

I love you Pizza Man

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2010 in Caillou, Pizza, Princess

 

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OMG

I could call every post OMG because I say it about 1,000 times in each one but….

OMG

Massive grocery shopping effort under way.

15 of those cheap grocery plastic bags.

Parked on a hill…

DAMNIT!

Cart rolling…

Barely catch it with my a perfect leg extension (think Brooke Burke on Dancing With The Stars) before it smacks the new  BMW beside me.

Okay …

Okay…

No big deal…

We are good…

Steady cart with foot as brace thigh against filthy car to unload contents.

And I mean it is filthy… they say when you have an SUV you don’t have to wash it as much (maybe that is just a Denver thing)

But I am telling you now…

I will always have an SUV as a result.

 

Black suit now looks as I am a chimney sweep in my spare time.

Done…

Whew!

Scoot buggy back to its rightful slot like good shopping citizen…

Open car and hop in…

Ready for the next stop…

Wait…

I don’t have red glasses…

Or that Celine Dion CD…

Or a can of Red Bull…

Ackkkkk!

This is NOT my car…

I have loaded all of the freakin’ groceries in someone else’s car…

OMG…

OMG…

OMG

I have to do all this shit over…

Are you kidding me?

OMG OMG OMG

Save me from myself!

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2010 in Shopping

 

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