RSS

Toy Hell

30 Nov

I do love Christmas – it is my favorite time of year…

Or at least it was until I had children…

I am now pretty terrified of it because…

Of the toys…

Not because the toys are so damn loud or because of all the small pieces leaving puncture wounds in my feet…

No the real terror starts with actually opening the toys.

OH MY GOD!

 

Have you tried to open these toys?

You need a swat team.

Let’s paint the picture, shall we.

 

First of all it looks as if a pepto bismol missle has just released all it’s fuel in a circular pattern in my living room.

All mom’s of girls know…

Every damn thing is pink.

Devil's Spawn

The toy culprit is two fold…

one is the secure-a-tach. I know what this is all too well as I was an assistant manager at Toys R Us

(or as I like to call it birth control)

Go on admit it..

you are jealous!

This is a secur-a-tach — it is also the devils spawn.

Notice it is applied with a gun… this is no accident.

Devil's Spawn Best Friend

 

 

 

 

 

 

The other toy nemesis is the thick plastic casing, with a greasy slickness making it difficult to hold on to and a razor like sharpness sure to cause injury.

So you are struggling with all your inner strength and egg nog on Christmas Eve to open Santa’s haul.  It is your job as Santa’s number one helper to free the entrapped toys.

These flippin plastic ties will not budge.  You can pull and pull, brace your fat bum against the front door and shove…

Honey it’s there to stay…

Meanwhile the little plastic vixen has shredded your hands…

Little pools of mommy blood…

On Christmas…

Forming little bloody Rorschach tests right in front of the children.

“Mommy are you otay?”

Hell no I am not okay…

freakin’ satanic toy industry…

Plotting to immobilize my hands…

And single handedly pluck my last nerve…

And on DAMN Christmas.

La Di Freakin’ Da

 

And my other Christmas rival is the plastic.

Seriously…

What?

It is so shiny, children stand no chance.  It lures them in like a giant chocolate lollipop with sprinkles.

And your sweaty Christmas hands can’t hold on to the degenerate gadget because it is so damn slippery.

So you drop the wretched pink (unrealistic) Barbie and while doing so break her feather headband (sure to send a toddler over the edge).

When you do finally open the plastic…

All the microscopic pieces (shoes, Barbie comb, magic wand) scatter in your pattern rug…

Never to be seen again…

Until your two year old chokes on one.

And you, Mommy, have sliced open your thumb…

On the polished covering…

And you are pretty certain you could use 3-5 stitches…

And sadly… you have opened one toy…

There are 28 more from Santa alone…

Let alone the monstrous toy mountain waiting under the tree.

You have begun to cry…

Wail really…

Your children stop at first to check you…

Then cry and scream louder…

A new holiday game just discovered.

But wait…

There is that thing…

You know…

The thing?

The thing to help you open it.

That’s it…

It’s called “Open It”

Isn’t that just the most clever name?

Open It

 

And here is a picture of it.

Doesn’t this look uber safe for the holidays?

 

It will be great for opening the rest of the toys this holiday morn…

And quite handy should you need to sever a calves limb or cut down a small tree.

 

 

But you try…

And the open it does open it…

But the plastic pieces fly…

Into your eye…

And you cry…

Again…

 

And you make a note to self…

To get safety goggles…

And more eggnog.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 30, 2010 in Shopping, Toddler

 

Tags: , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: