RSS

Monthly Archives: December 2010

The People You Meet in The Airport

We are waiting for the flight…

 

It seems to be taking forever when you are 2 and 4

 

This woman is sitting near us admiring my girls.  She tells me how much she wants grandchildren but her daughter is not cooperating.

What is the correct response here?

Wow she must love be badgered by you to reproduce?

 

Well then she has to tell me that she has wipes if we need them.

And they are special ones

They have silver in them.

I’m not shittin’ you.

And they are like $6.00 for 30 wipes?

I buy the 500 wipes for 4.50 — that is my kind a wipe.

 

Well she is going on and on about these wipes.

There are no toxic chemicals

Totally biodegradable

made from wood pulp

Patented Silver Shield to ensure things are sanitized.

Does someone have a sharp stick…

or a sword?

I would like to fall on it.

 

She mentions these wipes about 4 times and then says

Smell them.

Okay.

Wipes smell like …

Well wipes.

 

I mean is someone handed you a wipe blindfolded you would not say

That is a pickle…

Or mayonnaise.

You would know it is a wipe.

 

So I know she is looking for an astounded response.

“Oh my … is that a scent recovered from Mayan ruins?”

All I can muster is … “Wow that is yummy”

And I look away so I can roll my eyes.

 

Over and over she offers these wipes.

As my children are eating their McDonalds

To which she has furrowed her well kept brow.

 

So  seriously… we can blow through some wipes.

And 30 wipes?

I am pretty sure I can kill those before we even board.

I mean I am a generous wiper…

I mean wipe user…

Not wiper

How I wipe is irrelevant here and soooooo none of your business..

 

So now I need to fill our water bottle.

The fountain is right near us.

There is a gasp.

“You are not getting water out of there are you?”

And do you know…

Wipe Woman?

did a tsk tsk and rolled her eyes at me.

“well you know that is really not good water, not clean”

 

She is pissing me off.

“well…Landon picked someone elses gum off the sidewalk 2 weeks ago…

and chewed it…

I think we are okay”

 

It is now time to board.

Thank God because I am little sick of her snooty self.

 

And as she passes us boardings…

she chirps out…

 

“I still have wipes!!”

 

Congrat-u-damn-lations lady!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 30, 2010 in Toddler, Travel, Traveling with kids

 

Tags: ,

31 Minutes

So I mentioned (like 8 times) that we did just take this trip.  Home has never looked so good.

We have been in the house for about 31 minutes.

#1 daughter Ms. Landon has to go potty.

Which these days is an announcement

Regardless of where you are –

Safeway

Library

Movie Theater

Makes no difference.

Everyone is going to know.

So in she goes.

Enjoying a morsel of food

I am.

 

“MOMMY!!”

 

What now?

 

“Mommy”

Sniff.

Sniff.

“ I went potty and it didn’t work.  Da water is everywhere”

 

Say what?

 

31 minutes

WE HAVE BEEN HOME 31 MINUTES

only.

 

With trepidation, I proceed.

 

Sure enough.

Water in the hole.

The toilet is overflowing.

All over the bathroom.

 

“What HAPPENED?”

“did you use a lot of toilet paper?”

“Oh yes”

“How much?”

“A lot”

“How much a lot?”

“A lot a lot Mommy.  I had a lot of pee pee and I did not want it on my hands.”

 

And honestly I should have figured out it was a LOT because there roll was empty…

Entirely.

Not even a square to spare.

Not a square to spare.

 

Plunging.

Let’s go plunge.

 

 

This is my hell.

 

At 5’4” I am probably not the person for which this device was intended.

 

And with two toddlers wading through urine and trying to “hep” me.

 

Well you can imagine.

 

 

 

 

 

And did I mention we have been home 31 minutes?

Just 31 minutes.

And we got up at 3 a.m. Denver time

And flew 4 hours.

 

FUN?!

 

ROTO ROOTER!

 

I had to call.

I mean how long can you try to plunge

And not say bad words

And spill more urine water on the floor

 

“Ma’am… we will have one of our skilled technicians there within the hour”

Thank God!

 

Donavon is my guy.

I am really excited to see him.

 

Donavon checks out the bathroom.  He is certain he can fix it.

He explains that daughter flushed a rubber ducky down his toilet – then he had to get a new toilet.

I tell him his child cannot play with my children.

 

So he has to go to his truck (they do this a LOT)

 

He has paper and we need to sit somewhere quiet to talk.

Okay how about another country…

There is NO quiet place to talk…

I have toddlers.

And honestly this is not a date

What do you mean go somewhere quiet to talk?

you just need to fix this.

 

So he has two figures.

One is the standard fee 260.00

Plus his supplies at 29.00

supplies in Roto Rooter speak are their little booties…

and his pen.

 

And he is going to inspect my whole plumbing system today for FREE

Which is a huge benefit for me he tells me

And I know this is also his attempt to find more crap wrong in my house.

 

But if you want to get on our annual maintenance plan,

He tells me

Then it’s only 239.00

Plus I don’t have to pay for his booties.

But the maintenance plan is 219.00

So now my total is 458.00

For a toddler mishap?

For which she will be eternally grounded.

 

For a toilet paper clog?

 

“Well Donavon what do I get with that maintenance plan?”

“Oh well you get discounts on other services we offer…

And I’ll do the 40 point plumbing check any time you want”

 

“So I have to buy more stuff on top of the 458.00 to really get a discount?”

“well no…

Well…

Kind of…

No”

“well I am giving you a discount today already…

And I’m going to do the 40 point check up for free today”

 

“You said I was getting that 40 point thing today for free anyway – right?”

“Well yes but you may want to get that at other times… you can get that as often as you want”

“A lot of people really like this plan”

“Oh?”

“Oh Yea because any time they want to –  they can call us up and say hey I think you need to come out and check my pipes…  See how they are doing”

And it’s always covered”

 

Now I ask you?

Who is making these calls?

Check my pipes calls?

Seriously?

Who?

No one.

 

I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday friends.

 

I mean I am trying to imagine it…

Sunday evening after dinner

Fred and Thelma watching Desperate Housewives

” Fred, you know I think you better call that boy Donavan and get him out here to check our pipes”

“Thelma I was just thinking that too—you can never check your pipes enough.  I reckon I’ll call him right after breakfast tomorrow”

 

Yeah… no… that is just not happening.

 

“Donavon no offense…

(which means this is how this will be going down)…

all I want is to be able to pee and poop in that toilet.

And I want that for the cheapest amount possible

No plan – just the toilet – flushing with ease and regularity

We good?”

 

“Yes ma’am”

 

Now…

Miss Landon… what is the appropriate punishment for this?  What can she do to work off this 289.00?

This will take some noodling.

 

But in the meantime…

she is allowed one square only per visit…

Only ONE!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 28, 2010 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Potty

 

Tags: , ,

An Attempt At Being Professional

Big customer meeting.  I am excited.

There will be no children.

And we will not talk about Thomas the Train or Dora or The Wiggles.

Delightful.

 

I am out of town but make it to the meeting

And am ecstatic.

Because I got lost with the damn GPS

Which took me to someone’s car repair shop

In a wooded area

which reminded me of Deliverance.

 

But I am there in my nice Nordstom suit…

My hair is styled

 

We have about 40 clients here.

 

I am feeling that I am making IBM proud.

 

I am about to shake a client’s hand

When…

My colleague shoves me back

What the hell?

 

“hey Kelly…you need to take that coat off before you meet any customers”

 

“why”

This is an expensive coat.

 

“well… you have snot on both of your shoulders”

 

DAMNIT!  (… and just for the record it was not mine)

 

“and…

You should go to the bathroom”

 

What the hell again?

“What are you talking about”

I mean I just went ….

Who is he to tell me what to do with my bowels?

 

“well…

There is a sucker in the back of your hair…

You might want to get that out”

 

Asshole!

as I sped to the ladies room.

and he was right…

on both counts.

 

and he…

also had to go outside

because…

he was laughing so hard…

his about to expel his coffee…

through his nostrils.

 

It's me... only I am not asian, don't have a boy, and my kids are older...but you get the point right???

 

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on December 28, 2010 in Toddler, Travel

 

Tags: , ,

Clean for Christmas.

Well…

I trust we all had a wonderful Christmas holiday!

Ours was very nice

super precious

and very much like Santa’s sleigh exploded in our living room.

I am still stepping on Barbie shoes and chocolate coins.

 

No relevance whatsoever...

 

Just a word up…

Those markers in the dollar bin at Target

For stocking stuffers?

 

 

NOT WASHABLE.

Translated…

Permanent.

On the Berber carpet

or the maple table

or Mommy’s camel Pashmina.

 

 

GRRRRRR

What sort of sadist makes a kid’s marker that doesn’t wash out?

 

Oh….

I see…

Here tis

Made in China.

 

We are invited to a really lovely Christmas meal.

My homemade vittles are ready

And I am frankly quite proud of that.

 

The girls are dressed (an absolute miracle)

We are packing up the car

And I hear Landon

“Ma——-om!”

 

“what is it honey?”

Seriously this is the 18th time in the last hour she has called me for some earth shattering update, such as…

“I look bootiful in my new headband”

Or “Tennyson is not sharing” (which has been the most repeated bulletin today)

 

“Look at Tennyson’s face.”

The child has used the Chinese indelible markers to color her face.

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

They both got new coloring books.

Honesly can I use an SOS pad?

We have to go!

Is 2 too young for a chemical peel?

 

What can I do?

I mean we have to leave.

I get all that I can off

And just hope that the remaining circular squiggles will not be that noticeable…

As they are in bright red.

 

But we make it and they didn’t fight for 20 minutes…

because they were asleep.

 

And we are mingling.

Such nice people…

Such fun.

 

And there is dip.

NOT DIP!!!

 

So I am enjoying adult dialog while holding the little one

She decides that mound of onion dip looks tantalizing.

So she gets some.

Like a lot

a lot a lot

Like about 2 tablespoons on a tiny chip.

 

Do I really need to tell you what happened next?

Splat!

It rolls off the chip and down my tiny chest…

landing in a large glob…

center stage.

Blat!

In the mouth it went.

Then out it came.

Like a large zip popping…

Without a tissue

OMG

I wasn’t going for sexy…

Or even pretty…

Just clean.

That is all I wanted for Christmas.

Just that one thing.

But…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

I am not even going to go in the Mashed potatoes.

You can really just figure it out.

Let’s just say my pants have so much natural starch in them…

they are virtually standing up in the corner…

on their own.

 

Maybe New Years?

I can be clean.

My new Holiday Mantra

 
2 Comments

Posted by on December 27, 2010 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Toddler

 

Tags: , , ,

Forest Orange

So this morning on Christmas eve

I see my oldest humming

Then singing

“Forest Orange”

“Forest Orange”

With some unrecognizable tune attached.

 

Forest Orange? What?

 

“Honey what is that song?”

 

“MOM! Its Forest Orange, Forest Orange…

From da Grinch”

 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

OMG – the Welcome Christmas song?

Forest Orange?

 

“honey…

It’s really

“Fah who for-aze! Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Dah who dor-aze!”

And then I think – which one of us sounds smarter here?

And how sad that I know this.

 

But check it out… she may have a point. I think I hear a little Forest Orange in there.

 

Happy Everything Everyone!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on December 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: ,

Jane Fonda Is Back

During this holiday season of treats and crap food

I am trying to be really good about being healthy

eating more salads

and Kale (I can ALWAYS find this in the grocery store because no one else eats this nasty vegetable).

 

And then the gym

I joined the Jewish Community Center.

and yes I stick out like a sore thumb

when I drive in with my reindeer ears and reindeer nose.

 

The JCC is not the most intense gym I have ever been to

but it was cheaper and

i am

cheap these days.

Sooooooo

 

They are also not quite as “current” on exercise trends

As is evidenced by their latest fitness model

Circa 1980

 

She is trapped 1980

Is hyper extending her left leg

then places a 5 pound weight on her knee to ensure future surgery

appears to be double jointed

looks like a direct descendant of Jany Seymour

(can you say hairstyle?)

 

And all the while

wearing

what looks to be a COWL neck

to the gym.

Hmmm.

This has totally firmed up my desire to change gyms

because I can’t strike this pose voluntarily..,.

and I don’t have a summer cowl neck…

which is surprising …

given my love for the sleeveless turtleneck.

 

And I hear…

that she is teaching jazzercise on Sundays

while wearing leg warmers

and to tunes from the Bee Gees.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on December 22, 2010 in Exercise, Uncategorized

 

The Wump of Gump

So I read my daughter a story of her choosing last night.

She picked One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

Satan's training manual

 

 

You want to stress a parent out?

 

Ask them to read Dr. Seuss

After working all day

And before wine

 

Especially One Fish Two Fish.

62 pages of tongue twisters.

 

 

 

Now is that nice?

 

Did Dr. Suess have any kids?

Is he the devil?

When is the last time you read one of these?

Let me give you a little clip.

Bump!

Bump!

Bump!

Did you ever ride a Wump?

We have a Wump

with just one hump

But

We know a man

Called Mr. Gump

Mr. Gump has a seven hump Wump

So

If you like to go Bump! Bump!

Just jump on the hump of the Wump of Gump.

I am telling you.

Dr. Suess?

Was tripping on something good.

What else could it be?

 

I mean do you think he came up with this over a cup of Earl Grey?

A nice hot bath?

A long session of meditation?

No! He was stoned.

 

Honestly I asked Landon to

pick up your pink princess panties please

And ended up spitting on her.

 

How am I supposed to read this to her?

She will need a raincoat.

 

But I tried.

And I laughed a bit.

And I got through page 19…

The Wump Bump page.

And Landon pointed to the Wump and said

“that’s a caramel”

“honey…  You mean camel.”

And I laughed until I fell off the bed.

Landon?

Was not amused.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on December 21, 2010 in Toddler

 

Tags: , ,