Dental Devil

02 Dec

Okay please tell me

what is the deal w/ the xray thing at the dentist?

Oh yeah... this won't hurt a bit.



Had any XRAYs lately?


Holy crap that thing is huge.




It appears to be a one size fits all.


*** One size fits all is scary… whether it’s a burger or a poncho… it’s just scary***

So I guess that Shack…

And me…

We get the same one.

I am petite…

Our boy Shack is freakishly huge…


Does this not seem odd to you?


I am in to get a crown fitted…

On the tooth they have whittled done to the size of a grain of sand.


And the gum popping dental assistant says.

“oh yea… I can tell from your jaw size…

This is going to be tight…”

NOT what you want to hear.


And she is so young and I’m sorry…

Toddler looking…

If the size of that mammoth gizmo headed toward your orifice was not enough…

Her evident lack of experience is.


I ask

“Don’t you have a smaller version…

like for girls?”

“what about one for kids?  Do you have one of those?”


“well yes”

She says.

Her name is Bethany…

But of course.

Betting she works at Hooters on the weekends.


“But that is a bit extreme I think.  You will be fine.  I use the same kind on my mother.”


Okay what?

So did you just call me old?

Do you like your mother?

Do you like to torture your mother?


I am a’scared.  My normally low blood pressure is at an all time pinnacle.


So Bethany crams the ill fitted instrument thingy in your mouth…

I hear a tearing noise…

And then another sensation…


This one.

That is my flesh…

Or was…

In my mouth…

Ripped off by an XRAY demon.




Has run like hell into the other room…

to shoot radiation through my body

Probably thinking of her mother.


And all she says is?

“Don’t move”

And that?

Is virtually impossible because this hard plastic/cardboard device is resident in petite mouth.

“Don’t move – you are doing great”


Twisted XRAY X-cheerleader Hooter’s working floozie.



I hate oops…

Oops is never good…

Oops is never you just won a car.


“Oh you know hon”

(I hate when cute 12 year olds call me hon)

“we are going to need to do this again…

you moved a little.”


I so did not.

A tear running down my cheek doesn’t really count as movement..

Don’t you agree?

I mean it is an involuntary reflex…


And there is a little tiny bit of blood…

Trickling from the roof of your mouth.


So Bethany will clean that up.

Clean up the blood.

On the tiny remainder of that tooth in need of a crown.


And then she says

“Okay are you ready?”




“yep I need to put a little air on that tooth to dry it off”


Whatever… I mean the XRAY was the worst…


ACCCKKK!              MOTHER OF GOD!!!    ACKKKKK!


It’s as if she opened a firehouse on a tiny little ant.

Pressure and cold….

As if I am walking in to a blizzard…



The next thing I am aware of is my feet hitting the wall.

Because when this jezebel shot that blast of cold on my exposed tooth and nerve…

I had no control…

I screamed…

And sort of worm scooted…

As far away from Satan as I could.


Lord Almighty…

That hurt.


Panting and looking from someone to save me…

Bethany tried to steady me as she says…

“Okay hon”      GRRR

“lets just get you back in the chair to get that XRAY again.”


Yea good luck with that “hon”


At least a dental experience like this one below would have given me a bit of a chuckle.



Posted by on December 2, 2010 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “Dental Devil

  1. Lori stefanac

    December 2, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    OMG! You are HYSTERICAL! I discovered you through ‘Pretty All True’ and I’m now a BIG fan (all 5 feet of me!) I SO relate to the dental dilemma! AND one of my GREATEST pet peeves is being called “Honey” by women who are younger and (forgive me for this is really obnoxious) less educated than myself. If you are not a waitress in a diner, serving me PIE, then I am NOT “Honey”. Anyway, I hope your tooth is okay! We “Small but Mighty” women need to stick together in all of our FABULOUSITY!

    • kellyozley

      December 3, 2010 at 10:47 am

      Wow! How sweet are you. I have four inches on you but still… You would think they could do something about those. I am glad you stopped by and enjoyed us.


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