I do so love Christmas and perhaps the best part is the tree.
Never fake or no…
It has to be a genuine and super smelly real tree.
So I drive to get the tree.
There should be a sign on the back of the car stating
Caution…Mom… getting tree… by herself…
Allow extra yardage to ensure safety.
And let me tell you Lowe’s has the best deal going in my opinion…
7 ½ food Frasier fir.
They trim it
and put it in your car
…for no extra charge!
And if you sweet talk (read as BEG) them they will also put it in your stand.
So we are good.
39.99 down and we have ourselves a tree.
Ms. Claus at the helm and headed home.
This will be just fine because I have a babysitter to control the chi’rens while I commence to decoratin’
I have arrived home and now realize
the tree has to get from the car to the front door.
Didn’t think that part through when I bought the biggest tree that would fit in my car.
Now would be a great time for a burley man to walk by.
Looking left and looking right
none in sight.
So I do it…
I tug and grunt
pull push pull push
and it is out on the ground.
I am trying to scoot this big tree.
So I am now under it kind of – dragging it.
It rolled off twice and I got three honks from passers-by.
Probably laughing their asses off and accidentally hit their head on the steering wheel.
I knock for the sitter to let me in..
She sort of laughs and asks how I got the tree up the stairs.
I carried the damn thing honey…
Come on keep up.
Honestly is this not obvious because of the tree branches sticking our my hair and…
Let me tell you, you have not lived until you get pine needles in your panties.
We are trying to straighten out the tree
Because with my little circus act getting the tree out of the car and up to the door.
It is now off center
in the stand
which was perfect when I left Lowes.
Can you believe that?
So this requires me to lay on the floor with one leg up the tree.
The other is horizontal on the floor, serving as a brace.
I have formed an L with my legs.
I am working my groin muscles.
And the poor babysitter just cannot keep the kids from decorating the tree
The tree my leg is in.
Which really means they are just throwing Christmas balls at me.
And I lay here thinking about who will play me in our reality series
and then think
it could be worse
because I remember
Just a few years ago I did the same thing…
Off to Lowes for the Chrstimas tree.
But it’s big and they have to hook rope through the locking mechanism to close the SUV door.
Quick dash home and deposit the tree.
It looks gorgeous with nothing on it even.
I must rush – Mom has been visiting and has a plane to catch.
Off we go.
Down 6th Avenue
One of the busiest streets in Denver.
Enjoying the Denver sun…
Excited that I will be decorating the tree to Christmas carols shortly
Why is my mother screaming?
And why is it so sunny in the car?
Looking in the rear view mirror
I see why my mother is screaming…
The back door flew open.
And out it?
Went her 21 inch Pullman
In the middle of the busy road
And in to oncoming traffic.
At 40 mph
I shit you not. ACCKK!
So screaming and freaking out we are.
ACCKKKKK ACCCKKKKK ACCCKKKK
Quickly pulling off the road
I dodge the cars to retrieve what is now a broken 21 inch Pullman
All the while my mother is yelling
“Kelly be careful”
Yeah no shit mom.
So I put my mother in the back of the SUV to hold down the door as I drive back to the house.
She is terrified.
I am pissed.
Because I know the Lowes tree guy broke my car.
I manage to find some rope at the house and tie down the door
Which if you knew how inept I am at anything technical, mechanical or electrical
Means I deserve an award of some sort.
From the President.
Back from the airport I go straight to the Lowe’s tree people
I explain what happened
Just ask them to help fix it.
They have to call the manager.
So we wait.
And I know he will be so kind and do anything in his power to fix it.
Because I have purchased Christmas trees from Lowes for the last 8 years.
Here he comes.
He has been informed of the mishap.
And he walks up to me and do you know what he says?
“Oh Shit… it’s a Lexus.”
What? Customer service – can I have some please?
Merry Damn Christmas to me!