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31 Minutes

28 Dec

So I mentioned (like 8 times) that we did just take this trip.  Home has never looked so good.

We have been in the house for about 31 minutes.

#1 daughter Ms. Landon has to go potty.

Which these days is an announcement

Regardless of where you are –

Safeway

Library

Movie Theater

Makes no difference.

Everyone is going to know.

So in she goes.

Enjoying a morsel of food

I am.

 

“MOMMY!!”

 

What now?

 

“Mommy”

Sniff.

Sniff.

“ I went potty and it didn’t work.  Da water is everywhere”

 

Say what?

 

31 minutes

WE HAVE BEEN HOME 31 MINUTES

only.

 

With trepidation, I proceed.

 

Sure enough.

Water in the hole.

The toilet is overflowing.

All over the bathroom.

 

“What HAPPENED?”

“did you use a lot of toilet paper?”

“Oh yes”

“How much?”

“A lot”

“How much a lot?”

“A lot a lot Mommy.  I had a lot of pee pee and I did not want it on my hands.”

 

And honestly I should have figured out it was a LOT because there roll was empty…

Entirely.

Not even a square to spare.

Not a square to spare.

 

Plunging.

Let’s go plunge.

 

 

This is my hell.

 

At 5’4” I am probably not the person for which this device was intended.

 

And with two toddlers wading through urine and trying to “hep” me.

 

Well you can imagine.

 

 

 

 

 

And did I mention we have been home 31 minutes?

Just 31 minutes.

And we got up at 3 a.m. Denver time

And flew 4 hours.

 

FUN?!

 

ROTO ROOTER!

 

I had to call.

I mean how long can you try to plunge

And not say bad words

And spill more urine water on the floor

 

“Ma’am… we will have one of our skilled technicians there within the hour”

Thank God!

 

Donavon is my guy.

I am really excited to see him.

 

Donavon checks out the bathroom.  He is certain he can fix it.

He explains that daughter flushed a rubber ducky down his toilet – then he had to get a new toilet.

I tell him his child cannot play with my children.

 

So he has to go to his truck (they do this a LOT)

 

He has paper and we need to sit somewhere quiet to talk.

Okay how about another country…

There is NO quiet place to talk…

I have toddlers.

And honestly this is not a date

What do you mean go somewhere quiet to talk?

you just need to fix this.

 

So he has two figures.

One is the standard fee 260.00

Plus his supplies at 29.00

supplies in Roto Rooter speak are their little booties…

and his pen.

 

And he is going to inspect my whole plumbing system today for FREE

Which is a huge benefit for me he tells me

And I know this is also his attempt to find more crap wrong in my house.

 

But if you want to get on our annual maintenance plan,

He tells me

Then it’s only 239.00

Plus I don’t have to pay for his booties.

But the maintenance plan is 219.00

So now my total is 458.00

For a toddler mishap?

For which she will be eternally grounded.

 

For a toilet paper clog?

 

“Well Donavon what do I get with that maintenance plan?”

“Oh well you get discounts on other services we offer…

And I’ll do the 40 point plumbing check any time you want”

 

“So I have to buy more stuff on top of the 458.00 to really get a discount?”

“well no…

Well…

Kind of…

No”

“well I am giving you a discount today already…

And I’m going to do the 40 point check up for free today”

 

“You said I was getting that 40 point thing today for free anyway – right?”

“Well yes but you may want to get that at other times… you can get that as often as you want”

“A lot of people really like this plan”

“Oh?”

“Oh Yea because any time they want to –  they can call us up and say hey I think you need to come out and check my pipes…  See how they are doing”

And it’s always covered”

 

Now I ask you?

Who is making these calls?

Check my pipes calls?

Seriously?

Who?

No one.

 

I did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday friends.

 

I mean I am trying to imagine it…

Sunday evening after dinner

Fred and Thelma watching Desperate Housewives

” Fred, you know I think you better call that boy Donavan and get him out here to check our pipes”

“Thelma I was just thinking that too—you can never check your pipes enough.  I reckon I’ll call him right after breakfast tomorrow”

 

Yeah… no… that is just not happening.

 

“Donavon no offense…

(which means this is how this will be going down)…

all I want is to be able to pee and poop in that toilet.

And I want that for the cheapest amount possible

No plan – just the toilet – flushing with ease and regularity

We good?”

 

“Yes ma’am”

 

Now…

Miss Landon… what is the appropriate punishment for this?  What can she do to work off this 289.00?

This will take some noodling.

 

But in the meantime…

she is allowed one square only per visit…

Only ONE!

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1 Comment

Posted by on December 28, 2010 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Potty

 

Tags: , ,

One response to “31 Minutes

  1. Nanny Pamm

    January 8, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Forget Doctor or Lawyer, the real money is in plumbing!

     

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