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Monthly Archives: January 2011

The Medical Exam

I am very thankful that my family is on the mend.

It has been a hellacious four weeks.

And the worst part

The medicine?

The whiny kids?

The lack of sleep?

Nope

This won't hurt a bit...

 

It is when you are the patient and the kids are the doctor

 

Because they have about 3 doctor kits

 

Chock full of various hard plastic items

 

Specifically designed by Fisher Price for maximum torture on the doting parents.

 

Lets start with the fever check

“Mommy I check your fever”

So we get the green plastic thermometer – which when shoved in your ear makes a loud clicking noise (which probably means you are not supposed to really stick in it in anyone’s ear).

WHAP!

Damn!

Landon has shoved it so hard I half expect to see it come out the other ear

(what with so little in between to slow it down you know)

Save Yourself!

 

“Now Mommy… we needs a check your leg”

 

“No honey… Mommy just has a head co …

 

ACKKKK!$@&!

 

…cold”

 

 

Tennyson is in charge of reflex checking.

And this one is an equally hard piece of yellow plastic with a round ball on the end

When rendered with a forceful blow at about 2 ½ feet will damn near make you collapse.

 

I am sweating now…

Wondering how long the exam will continue.

“Mommy…we must a check a your mouth…

Now you open and you o’posted to say AHHHHH!”

We don’t have a tongue depressor at our house (and for good reason)

So she uses instead?

A stick from her tinker toys.

ACKK!    ACCKKK!

Oh My God!

I am surprised that stick also did not come out another end if you know what I mean.

If my tonsils were not already inflamed, I feel sure the repeated stabbing with a wooden red stick, just sealed that deal.

 

What next?

My blood pressure.

They know now what that is but…

I?

am certain it is elevated.

They put the blue cuff on my wrist

And while I am a small person, this is meant for toddlers, so…

I have a solid red mark and a bit of peeled skin from Landon’s forceful application of said cuff.

Then?

Squeeze…squeeze…squeeze…

puff…puff…puff

And a couple of la di da’s

 

I feel dizzy, the room is starting to spin a bit

Because my oldest is basically cutting off my circulation

“Otay Mommy”

And my heart… she says they have to look at.

Both girls have their Fisher Price stethoscopes…

Because we all know it is good to get a second opinion on matters of the heart.

Tenny checking my heart, Landon my back

There is a whisper… exchanged glances…

Another whisper and then the diagnosis.

 

“Mommy…

I needs a call the please occifer…

because you so going to vomits soon…

and it really gross but you be otay”

 

What?

“And Mommy?

We need some candy”

 

Candy?  Seriously?

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Posted by on January 31, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Sick, Sick Kids

 

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Say Cheese

Today as I drove through Denver

I got my picture taken by a total stranger…

A man…

Mid to late 30’s

Dark, unmarked car.

Striking fear initially

Then anger

When I realized

What it was?

 

Photo radar

DAMNIT!

Sitting in my anger…

A lightbulb.

Illumination.

My anger turned to a revelation of sorts.

Because you see…

I have found my dream job.

Because how hard can this be to do?

To sit in a car and let a machine take pictures of unsuspecting drivers.

And how does the job description read for this?

Wanted:

Breathing individual

Must be able to drive

But only for short distances and for even shorter periods of time

Verbal communication entirely unnecessary

You need not take notes

There is no deliverable

No requirement to plan the rollout of a new product

Or meet any sort of quota

 

You must drive to your location

Set up camera

Meaning turn it on

Then wait.

And THEN, you may…

Crochet

Write your Christmas thank you notes

Plan your weekend camping trip

Mull over the recent rash of mass bird deaths

Set up your eHarmony profile

Sleep

Then?

You must drive home.

And tell your mom about your stressful day.

 

Swear to God …

Have you not seen these people?

They are sleeping

Not even trying to hide that fact

Feet in the air

Head back

Mouth open

Dark glasses to block the morning glare.

Have they no shame?

A curtain perhaps…

Something to hide the true nature of this complicated job.

But…

They can get ya

Don’t be a pickin’ your nose.

It will be permanently etched on a photo

You will receive in the mail

And wonder

What the Hell?

Busted

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2011 in Misbehaving, Uncategorized

 

Breaking Down the Breakdown

I am not ashamed of my breakdown – it was earned.

And I am sure it will happen again.

My kids will recover from the rant …

and my collapse.

But you will understand

why?

 

Why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 ½  weeks ago, youngest with double ear infection

2 ½ weeks ago, both children with strep

1 ½  weeks ago, 1 child sent home with diarrhea

… and then writes with permanent marker on the hardwood floor

7 days ago Mama with migraine

5 days ago, Mama with stomach flu for three wretched days

3 days ago, youngest with strep…

AND ear infection again!

…and raging temperature.

2 days ago Mama has strep

1 day ago Mama is wailing…

and asking questions for which no answer exists

Why me Lord?

When will they be well?

Where is my prince?

Will Cher ever really retire?

 

Where is Mama now?

In the corner?

Where is the wine?

With Mama.

 

Mama?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on January 28, 2011 in Sick Kids

 

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Little Pretty Nitwit

At the doctor AGAIN

Fourth time in as many weeks.

 

And I complain to the nurse.

About the temperature taking.

She is sympathetic…

Or a good actress.

 

“Oh I know these can be tricky”

 

But there she goes

Amy

“Oh honey… just a quick buzz in  your wittle ear”

 

BEEP

100.7

 

What?

Just like that?

Come on!

I tried this 23 times last night.

Amy's shoes

 

Apparently you have to be wearing a smock with ducks on it.

And ugly shoes.

To get the thing to work.

 

 

“Amy seriously how did you do that?”

“I really struggled to get her temperature last night.

Every time I took it, the reading was different.””

 

“Oh don’t feel bad that happens to all of us all the time”

 

BEG PARDON???

You mean it doesn’t work for you either???

You are a medical professional.

With initials after your name.

LPN

Licensed Practical Nurse… right?

That means you are supposed to be smart.

And knowledgeable on medical stuff…

I have an excuse.

 

Jeez!

I trust you with my kids.

Completely exasperated.

As I semi-stomp out.

 

How much do I pay these people?

To be basically as inept as me.

 

Whatever?

LPN?

Little Pretty Nitwit…

With UGLY shoes.

 

Knowing my boots look goooood…

Hmmpf!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Fever!

So it was a good song

Years ago

By Peggy Lee

And now by

Mr. Buble  (I adore him)

 

 

But let me tell you about da Fever

IT SUCKS!

 

So let’s just say your child is sick

And they have a fever

Like a raging one

And you need to see how high

Because if it is too high

You need to go to the ER.

 

So…

What are your options?

One that is not an option is the old-fashioned glass thermometer

With mercury in the middle

Which if bitten or broken

Well…

Would allow for mercury to be consumed or inhaled

Neither are good.

 

So you have the rectal thermometer next up.

Okay so who just spit their coffee?

Or wine, depending on the time of day.

I know…

It is the stupidiest thing you have ever heard right?

Because even on a good day…

A 2-year-old does not want this shoved up their ass.

Knuckle bump to me!

So this one is out.

 

Next

The ear thermometer

But they also tell you that ear wax?

Can interfere with the accuracy.

Yeah no shit.

I am serious.

If I used this 100 times

Even on myself

I would get 99 different readings.

And if you child is sick

Specially with an ear infection

Try jabbing this plastic thing in their ear.

One or both of you will be crying

More than likely YOU will screaming for your own Mama.

 

And then they tell you

After each use, clean the tip of the thermometer with rubbing alcohol or soap and lukewarm water

Right! That is so happening – NOT!

Just jam it right back in the medicine cabinet.

We are all family here.

 

And then we have the rolly one – the one that scoots across their forehead.

So this is what they say about it…

Forehead thermometers are one of most convenient and fastest types of thermometers.

I am telling you now…

Don’t believe that crap for a minute.

They suck.

Because you cannot get an accurate reading.

Try it.

I tried three times on the same child and got the following 99.2, 93.1, 100.4.

What?

I mean you are not supposed to even have to “touch” your child to get an accurate reading.

It’s the psychic thermometer.

So like if I am driving down the road and pull up next to you at the traffic light, can I just reach out my window and take your temperature?

Hey VOLVO?

98.6

Perfect score for you!

 

So where does this leave you?

You?

Are screwed my friend.

But you are not alone in your screwed’ness.

We is all screwed on this front.

 

I personally use the Mommy Knows You Are Hot method.

I can usually tell by just touching my girls if it’s a fever.

Moms you know what I am saying.

And If I am sweating when I am holding you…

It’s super bad.

 

But I see an opening here…

 

Some Mommy has got to invent an effective, inexpensive, accurate thermometer.

I beg you!

And hurry up will ya?

My kids are still young.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2011 in Parenthood, Parenting, Sick Kids

 

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The Uniform

Today was the first day of Pre-K

And the first day of Navy and white clothing

Because?

In Pre-K

You have to wear a uniform.

 

And I am stressed

Because we are not really navy people

We?

are not sailors.

 

But these are our colors

And so it is.

 

Pink

Yes pink

Would be a great color

For our school uniform.

Because our closet looks as if a bottle of pepto bismol has exploded in it…

a big one.

 

Mom gets so irritated when I make these goofy faces

 

And so today we go

And we are dressed accordingly

I think.

 

Until I am informed that the pants should be entirely navy normally

 

Not like the jazzy navy frog pants we are sporting.

 

ARGGGH!

 

 

 

 

And I am sick.

With the stomach flu

And I would like to die…

Because I feel so bad.

 

And I could truly hurl at any moment.

Also?

How do I say this in a delicate way?

It is the stomach bug –

And does not discriminate on the path of elimination?

And while driving three times my oldest points out how bad her sister’s diaper smells

And I?

Do not feel at all compelled to claim ownership.

 

And the day passes

Mama asleep at home praying for an early death

Or the end to three days of nausea.

 

And I pick up the cherubs.

Little Miss Pre-K

Appears in her white and navy

White now Pink and Purple with stains

From painting activities.

 

And all I can think…

Is that we need more bleach.

And a housekeeper!

 

 

 

 

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 24, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenting, Uncategorized

 

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Mama’s Sheepshank

My mama is the best launderer…

Ever.

I am serious.

She can get any stain out.

No matter how long it has been in there.

Get me the launderer!!

 

In fact?

I bet she could have helped Monica out with that little stain

Saved the blue dress

And eliminated that whole scandal.

 

 

But.

The only thing she is better at than laundering…

Is perhaps…

Folding.

I mean the woman is a machine.

Hospital corners on everything.

 

And the fact that she is so good at folding makes up for any of those “mom-ism’s”

She doles out periodically

Such as?

When I lost weight initially

She said

“Kelly.

Honey I think that is just bout enough exercise on your boobs”

What?

Can you see me Mom?

 

“well Mom that was not exactly the target area for reduction”

Weight comes off where it does.

In a kind world, it would leave my butt and thighs…

But alas… I still have my ass.

 

So we have come to the folding portion of our visit

And Mama has come to my panties.

Not the briefs…

Or even hipsters…

But…

The thong.

The look on her face?

Priceless!

 

Perplexed?

A furrowed brow?

Consternation.

 

“Kelly? what in the hell is this?

“Underwear Mom”

 

“Well I never!”

Hand to heart for impact and breathing support at the discovery of my raunchy panties.

(lest we not forget Mama is Southern)

 

“Honey why? Why? Would you wear these?

“So I won’t have panty lines Mom”

 

Going deep South

“I swanee…I never seen anything like this?”

What is a swanee people?

 

“Does your Daddy know you wear these things?”

“MOM!  God!”

 

“well how in the sam hell am I going to fold these?”

“MOOOMMM!. You don’t fold them… They just go in the drawer”

“KELLY LYNN… I have got to fold these clothes…I reckon I’ll just do the best I can”

 

And this part was worth it all…

Here she goes…

the launder’er.

Left string over right…

Then right over left

Pull tight…

Mama's Sheepshank

 

Uh oh

You’ve made yourself a sheepshank.

 

 

 

Now once more

right string over left

And reverse…

Oh Look!

Mama earned her camping badge.

 

Hahhahaha

I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying this.

HAHHAHAHAHAH

I need the paramedics to come give me oxygen….

I can’t breathe!

 

And then Mama can take no more…

“I give up… I declare I do”

“I don’t know Kelly… I think these could cut off your circulation or sump’en”

 

OH MY GOD!

I do love when Mama comes to visit.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on January 20, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenting, Uncategorized

 

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