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Barbecue Butt

04 Jan

I would like to share with you a terrifying story.

 

The scene is set…

We are in Wilson NC

Act one, the only act…

The only one because the curtain will fall immediately following…

As will I.

 

We are eating at Bill’s World Famous Barbecue.

You see.

I am a vegetarian.

And have the stomach flu.

And this is where my colleague takes me.

 

Have I angered the Gods?

 

Bill has been serving barbecue since 1963.

I really do not think any of the original samplers are still alive today.

And their slogan (I am seriously not shittin’ you) is:

“We doos’m right!”   “From the squeal to the meal.”

ACCCKK!

Hello Andy and Barney…

Where’s Aunt Be?

 

And when asked the key to their success.

The reply?

We own and operate a large pig farm to ensure the quality and consistency of our barbecue!
We love what we do!   (killing pigs and the people who eat them).

 

Let me take you on a virtual tour.

Bill's most recent victim

 

When you walk up to the establishment you will see a large pig…

Holding a plate.

That is just not right.

 

 

It’s world famous…

Really?

Do you sincerely think that Will and Kate talk about Bill’s famous barbeque?

 

 

 

When you walk in the door…

there is a woman sitting there…

In a hair net…

Filling bottles with pepper oil…

That would be for your greens…

Your turnip greens.

 

And she says…

“Sugar ya’ll come on in…

You’ll be glad you did.”

I’m thinking not so much.

 

Let’s take a walk down the buffet line

We shall start with the vegetables.

 

Lima beans …

a grayish hue…

With a rainbow oil slick floating atop…

Courtesy of the lard.

 

Corn…

Yellow corn…

Once moderately heathy…

No sits in its own vat…

With pats of butter scattered about.

 

A cylindrical item…

Kind of a brownish color.

Slotted spoon in hand…

I reach to investigate…

Wait…

That is a green bean…

Or used to be.

 

Carrots…

I can probably eat those…

they are good for you…

Except that they also are covered in lard…

 

Sweet potatoes…

A very healthy vegetable

With tons of fiber.

But now?

Cooked in a pound of butter and slathered with brown sugar.

Is Paula Deen here?

 

And then there is the bread section.

My personal favorite.

 

Cornbread…

Sweet cornbread…

Now this one?

Is delicious!

 

And then corn fritters.

What?

Basically cornbread but cooked in a stick like shape…

More lard…

Less batter…

More greasy…

And hard as a damn rock.

 

Hushpuppies.

The Mac Daddy.

The hushpuppy…

Little circles of heaven…

But these are heavy and hard to catch as they try to slide out of my spoon.

I think they would be a sure fire win in a food fight.

Your opponent would stand no chance.

 

The meat?

Seriously… is IS nasty.

There is pulled pig…

And right above it is a big fat pig on a rolly stick just spinning around in front of you…

So you can see what are you eating.

 

And then barbecue ribs…

A boatload.

You just reach in there and snag yourself a plateful.

 

And lets finish with fried fish.

Catfish

Shrimp

Fish sticks

All fried to a golden greasy crisp.

 

I shall stop shortly but cannot end without a trip to the desert bar.

Chocolate puddin’ (there is no g on pudding in the South)

Banana puddin’

Peach Cobbler

Cherry pie

Cookies

 

Swear to God.

Nothing finishes off a heart healthy meal like Peach Cobbler.

 

Do I even need to comment on the average waist size for these folks?

 

 

And parked outside of Bill’s World Famous Barbeque?

The EMT’s.

Hand to Heaven the truth.

Coincidence?

 

 

 

 

 

Lest we not forget the convention center.

I swear there is a convention center…

Adjacent to the restaurant…

And it was previously…

The Impala dealer.

 

It was perhaps the worst hour of my life.

I ate the one hushpuppy I could catch…

And some banana puddin’…

 

“Ya’ll come back now, ye hear” Betty says as we leave.

Oh Betty….

NEVER!

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Posted by on January 4, 2011 in Exercise

 

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