A Can of Dumbass

18 Jan

It was a Sunday…

A birthday party.

SOOOOOO many birthday parties.




We go

It is pandemonium

Kids everywhere

Boys hitting

Girls crying

The usual.


We leave and the girls are amp’d up on fuchsia Hello Kitty frosting.



Someone has hit my car…

the bumper.

“Landon get out of the road”

“Tenny NOOOO – don’t hit your sister”

They scratched the bumper.

“Landon….I said stop jumping in the puddles”


It was white, the bumper…

and there are black streaks on it now.

And double DAMNIT…

It’s got a divot there…

about the size of an orange (a big navel one, not a tangelo)


I am pissed for sure.

Who does that and then drives off?



Non-emergency police I am calling…

Someone is going to hear about this.


“Hello … how can we help you?”


“Ma’am.   Hello?”

“Oh Yes, I am here”

“What is your trouble?”

“Oh I was going to report a hit and run…

In the parking lot of Monkeytown”

“Are you injured ma’am?”


Uh Oh…


“Where can we send the officers?”


“Ma’am?  Are you there?”

“yes I am here… but it’s ok”

“Ma’am… I am dispatching”

“No… you know we are good…

don’t worry about that…

I don’t think its necessary.”

“Ma’am? excuse me”





I am really so sorry…

but this?

is not my car.”


I can just hear her rolling her eyes.


I mean she could have at least said Goodbye.


People see…

It was the SAME CAR….

Same make

Same year

Same color


DAMNIT – how many times can I make an ass out of myself?

Don’t answer that.

The Dumbass


Posted by on January 18, 2011 in Misbehaving, Uncategorized


Tags: ,

6 responses to “A Can of Dumbass

  1. Lori stefanac (Lola)

    January 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I did a very similar thing (sans the police) when my husband and I were leaving a store and walking through the parking lot to our car. The best part? And by that I mean the worst part for me and the best for HIM was that he knew it wasn’t our car right away and sat back giggling hysterically as I freaked out about the HUGE dent in the driver’s side. This is not nearly as good as your version. Every story is infinitely better once you get the po-po involved.

    • kellyozley

      January 18, 2011 at 10:20 pm

      The po po? I did laugh at that. Where I come from we call them the PO-lease! haha. So glad I am not alone in this. Also so nice of your husband to get a laugh at your expense!! 🙂

  2. Becca

    January 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Oh yes, I can totally relate. I have done that more than once. OK, more than twice. (well minus calling the police part). I love me some dumbass! 😉

    • kellyozley

      January 18, 2011 at 10:20 pm

      haha – Love me some dumbass!!

  3. Shannon

    January 18, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That is just pure funniness (is that even a word?). Lord Kelly, that’s something I would do. I love your stories and the way you write. You have a gift girl…. and apparently more material than 90% of America!! Thanks for the good giggle. I needed this break while packing for Philly tomorrow!

    • kellyozley

      January 18, 2011 at 10:21 pm

      Girl! my life is just one big fiasco after another. You know these chi’rens will wear you OUT!!


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