So it was a good song
By Peggy Lee
And now by
Mr. Buble (I adore him)
But let me tell you about da Fever
So let’s just say your child is sick
And they have a fever
Like a raging one
And you need to see how high
Because if it is too high
You need to go to the ER.
What are your options?
One that is not an option is the old-fashioned glass thermometer
With mercury in the middle
Which if bitten or broken
Would allow for mercury to be consumed or inhaled
Neither are good.
So you have the rectal thermometer next up.
Okay so who just spit their coffee?
Or wine, depending on the time of day.
It is the stupidiest thing you have ever heard right?
Because even on a good day…
A 2-year-old does not want this shoved up their ass.
Knuckle bump to me!
So this one is out.
The ear thermometer
But they also tell you that ear wax?
Can interfere with the accuracy.
Yeah no shit.
I am serious.
If I used this 100 times
Even on myself
I would get 99 different readings.
And if you child is sick
Specially with an ear infection
Try jabbing this plastic thing in their ear.
One or both of you will be crying
More than likely YOU will screaming for your own Mama.
And then they tell you
After each use, clean the tip of the thermometer with rubbing alcohol or soap and lukewarm water
Right! That is so happening – NOT!
Just jam it right back in the medicine cabinet.
We are all family here.
And then we have the rolly one – the one that scoots across their forehead.
So this is what they say about it…
Forehead thermometers are one of most convenient and fastest types of thermometers.
I am telling you now…
Don’t believe that crap for a minute.
Because you cannot get an accurate reading.
I tried three times on the same child and got the following 99.2, 93.1, 100.4.
I mean you are not supposed to even have to “touch” your child to get an accurate reading.
It’s the psychic thermometer.
So like if I am driving down the road and pull up next to you at the traffic light, can I just reach out my window and take your temperature?
Perfect score for you!
So where does this leave you?
Are screwed my friend.
But you are not alone in your screwed’ness.
We is all screwed on this front.
I personally use the Mommy Knows You Are Hot method.
I can usually tell by just touching my girls if it’s a fever.
Moms you know what I am saying.
And If I am sweating when I am holding you…
It’s super bad.
But I see an opening here…
Some Mommy has got to invent an effective, inexpensive, accurate thermometer.
I beg you!
And hurry up will ya?
My kids are still young.