25 Jan

So it was a good song

Years ago

By Peggy Lee

And now by

Mr. Buble  (I adore him)



But let me tell you about da Fever



So let’s just say your child is sick

And they have a fever

Like a raging one

And you need to see how high

Because if it is too high

You need to go to the ER.



What are your options?

One that is not an option is the old-fashioned glass thermometer

With mercury in the middle

Which if bitten or broken


Would allow for mercury to be consumed or inhaled

Neither are good.


So you have the rectal thermometer next up.

Okay so who just spit their coffee?

Or wine, depending on the time of day.

I know…

It is the stupidiest thing you have ever heard right?

Because even on a good day…

A 2-year-old does not want this shoved up their ass.

Knuckle bump to me!

So this one is out.



The ear thermometer

But they also tell you that ear wax?

Can interfere with the accuracy.

Yeah no shit.

I am serious.

If I used this 100 times

Even on myself

I would get 99 different readings.

And if you child is sick

Specially with an ear infection

Try jabbing this plastic thing in their ear.

One or both of you will be crying

More than likely YOU will screaming for your own Mama.


And then they tell you

After each use, clean the tip of the thermometer with rubbing alcohol or soap and lukewarm water

Right! That is so happening – NOT!

Just jam it right back in the medicine cabinet.

We are all family here.


And then we have the rolly one – the one that scoots across their forehead.

So this is what they say about it…

Forehead thermometers are one of most convenient and fastest types of thermometers.

I am telling you now…

Don’t believe that crap for a minute.

They suck.

Because you cannot get an accurate reading.

Try it.

I tried three times on the same child and got the following 99.2, 93.1, 100.4.


I mean you are not supposed to even have to “touch” your child to get an accurate reading.

It’s the psychic thermometer.

So like if I am driving down the road and pull up next to you at the traffic light, can I just reach out my window and take your temperature?



Perfect score for you!


So where does this leave you?


Are screwed my friend.

But you are not alone in your screwed’ness.

We is all screwed on this front.


I personally use the Mommy Knows You Are Hot method.

I can usually tell by just touching my girls if it’s a fever.

Moms you know what I am saying.

And If I am sweating when I am holding you…

It’s super bad.


But I see an opening here…


Some Mommy has got to invent an effective, inexpensive, accurate thermometer.

I beg you!

And hurry up will ya?

My kids are still young.


Posted by on January 25, 2011 in Parenthood, Parenting, Sick Kids


Tags: , , ,

2 responses to “Fever!

  1. Lissa

    January 25, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    My method is lips to the back of the neck. (I run a few degrees below “normal” so everyone feels hot to me if I use the back of my hand.) Another tell is hot little feet in the middle of the night.

    • kellyozley

      January 25, 2011 at 10:44 pm

      Wow! I didn’t know that. I am usually below normal temp too — so both of these “checks” sound like good options. Thank you!


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