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The Medical Exam

31 Jan

I am very thankful that my family is on the mend.

It has been a hellacious four weeks.

And the worst part

The medicine?

The whiny kids?

The lack of sleep?

Nope

This won't hurt a bit...

 

It is when you are the patient and the kids are the doctor

 

Because they have about 3 doctor kits

 

Chock full of various hard plastic items

 

Specifically designed by Fisher Price for maximum torture on the doting parents.

 

Lets start with the fever check

“Mommy I check your fever”

So we get the green plastic thermometer – which when shoved in your ear makes a loud clicking noise (which probably means you are not supposed to really stick in it in anyone’s ear).

WHAP!

Damn!

Landon has shoved it so hard I half expect to see it come out the other ear

(what with so little in between to slow it down you know)

Save Yourself!

 

“Now Mommy… we needs a check your leg”

 

“No honey… Mommy just has a head co …

 

ACKKKK!$@&!

 

…cold”

 

 

Tennyson is in charge of reflex checking.

And this one is an equally hard piece of yellow plastic with a round ball on the end

When rendered with a forceful blow at about 2 ½ feet will damn near make you collapse.

 

I am sweating now…

Wondering how long the exam will continue.

“Mommy…we must a check a your mouth…

Now you open and you o’posted to say AHHHHH!”

We don’t have a tongue depressor at our house (and for good reason)

So she uses instead?

A stick from her tinker toys.

ACKK!    ACCKKK!

Oh My God!

I am surprised that stick also did not come out another end if you know what I mean.

If my tonsils were not already inflamed, I feel sure the repeated stabbing with a wooden red stick, just sealed that deal.

 

What next?

My blood pressure.

They know now what that is but…

I?

am certain it is elevated.

They put the blue cuff on my wrist

And while I am a small person, this is meant for toddlers, so…

I have a solid red mark and a bit of peeled skin from Landon’s forceful application of said cuff.

Then?

Squeeze…squeeze…squeeze…

puff…puff…puff

And a couple of la di da’s

 

I feel dizzy, the room is starting to spin a bit

Because my oldest is basically cutting off my circulation

“Otay Mommy”

And my heart… she says they have to look at.

Both girls have their Fisher Price stethoscopes…

Because we all know it is good to get a second opinion on matters of the heart.

Tenny checking my heart, Landon my back

There is a whisper… exchanged glances…

Another whisper and then the diagnosis.

 

“Mommy…

I needs a call the please occifer…

because you so going to vomits soon…

and it really gross but you be otay”

 

What?

“And Mommy?

We need some candy”

 

Candy?  Seriously?

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2 Comments

Posted by on January 31, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Sick, Sick Kids

 

Tags: ,

2 responses to “The Medical Exam

  1. The Mama

    January 31, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Oh my gosh, I love your kids!

    “…you so going to vomits soon…and it really gross but you be otay”

    Hilarious!

     
    • kellyozley

      February 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      They do make me laugh. Sometimes I fear they are mimicking me in their speech and sentence formation. haha

       

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