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Well Endowed?

16 Mar

Where does a busy working mom go on her day off?

 

Nordstroms!

After all…

It is my nirvana.

 

Oprah is always saying how 80% of women wear the wrong size bra.

I decided check it out.

Get a bra fitting

at Nordys!

 

 

Victoria’s Secret does the same thing but…

Those girls look like they are hardly out of diapers…

All of them with their tape measures around their necks

Perky shirts…

and iridescent lip gloss.

Ick!

 

I meet “Retha”

Aretha but without the A.

Like maybe because after a difficult labor…

Her mother just could not muster the extra syllable.

 

Retha is like the boob manager or something…

She has been doing this for years.

 

So she measures me…

Me in the dressing room

With glaring lights

Mirrors coming at me from EVERYWHERE

and no trace of dignity.

NOTE TO NORDSTROMS:   Soft lighting and a Cosmo would make me buy more.

 

“honey!”

 

Oh God

 

“This is NOT the right size for you!”

 

Could I actually be smaller? Is that possible?

 

“You need to be wearing two full sizes larger”

What?

I LOVE Retha.

New BFF!

 

“seriously?”

 

“Oh yes”

 

I mean I am on Cloud Nine.

 

“I can’t believe I am that big…

wow

that is just so cool”

 

“well in your case it is not actual breast volume…”

 

Beg pardon?

 

“It it more the around’ness”

 

What in hell does that mean?

THIS IS MY DAY OFF!

You could at least suck up to me a teensy bit.

LIE DAMNIT

I’m not in KMart.

 

And what the hell is “around’ness”?  That is not even a word.

 

One full minute!

Just one.

Would it have killed her to give me one minute of busty glory?

 

“and honey”

 

Uh..oh

 

“This is WAY too big around you… it’s not even touching your back”

 

“Well I don’t like that stuff in the back…

The back fat.”

 

“That is breast tissue.”

 

SAY WHAT?

 

“Excuse me? Retha are you sure? How did it get back there?”

 

“Well as we age…”

 

Blah blah blah

I hear nothing else.

I don’t like her anymore…

She is SO off the Christmas card list.

 

So now? My boobs are moving around to my back?

Dear God!

Don’t be surprised if you see me walking around backwards…

or in the Spanx department.

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1 Comment

Posted by on March 16, 2011 in Shopping

 

Tags: , , ,

One response to “Well Endowed?

  1. Shannon

    March 17, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Oh honey. I can so relate. Years ago I went to Intimacy to be sized. Mind you, this is in a Cherry Creek sort of exclusive mall (Phipps) where you can’t find a bra under $80 and if you want matching panties, shell out another $40 bucks please. So, like you, I’m standing their first with my bra on while Helga checks things out. I tell her I want something to give me some cleavage. Her response? “Honey, you have low wide set breasts. We don’t have a bra that is gonna give you cleavage.” Again. LIE! Come up with something better than that. Don’t tell me that my only option is surgical manipulation to reach my goals, beotch!

     

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