Where does a busy working mom go on her day off?
It is my nirvana.
Oprah is always saying how 80% of women wear the wrong size bra.
I decided check it out.
Get a bra fitting
Victoria’s Secret does the same thing but…
Those girls look like they are hardly out of diapers…
All of them with their tape measures around their necks
and iridescent lip gloss.
I meet “Retha”
Aretha but without the A.
Like maybe because after a difficult labor…
Her mother just could not muster the extra syllable.
Retha is like the boob manager or something…
She has been doing this for years.
So she measures me…
Me in the dressing room
With glaring lights
Mirrors coming at me from EVERYWHERE
and no trace of dignity.
NOTE TO NORDSTROMS: Soft lighting and a Cosmo would make me buy more.
“This is NOT the right size for you!”
Could I actually be smaller? Is that possible?
“You need to be wearing two full sizes larger”
I LOVE Retha.
I mean I am on Cloud Nine.
“I can’t believe I am that big…
that is just so cool”
“well in your case it is not actual breast volume…”
“It it more the around’ness”
What in hell does that mean?
THIS IS MY DAY OFF!
You could at least suck up to me a teensy bit.
I’m not in KMart.
And what the hell is “around’ness”? That is not even a word.
One full minute!
Would it have killed her to give me one minute of busty glory?
“This is WAY too big around you… it’s not even touching your back”
“Well I don’t like that stuff in the back…
The back fat.”
“That is breast tissue.”
“Excuse me? Retha are you sure? How did it get back there?”
“Well as we age…”
Blah blah blah
I hear nothing else.
I don’t like her anymore…
She is SO off the Christmas card list.
So now? My boobs are moving around to my back?
Don’t be surprised if you see me walking around backwards…
or in the Spanx department.