Hairy Berries

28 Mar

So I need to ask you all.


Does Target have such shitty produce?

The Super Target that is.

Does that not imply they have should also have SUPER produce?


Seriously I LOVE me some Target…

I do

In fact…

If I had a dog, I might name her Target.

I did, after all, name my cat Clooney…

After my virtual sweetie.





So back to the issue at hand.

When you are the single mother of two small children

You want them to eat healthy…

Which typically involves vegetables

At least on occasion.


You have no time.


So I one stop shop.

Because at Target you can get:

Great Lash Mascara

A spatula

And batteries

And I?

Go through a lot of batteries.



Oh good Lord people…

Get out of the gutter.

I have KIDS.

I mean everything they have eats batteries.


So I make the trek around the Super Target

Certain I no longer need to go to the gym.

And land in produce.

The trailer park of Target.


So beans grow in a field right?

And for the most part, don’t they all start out in pretty good shape?

So why do Target’s look like little brown worms.


And strawberries?


They should not be furry, correct?

Given the size of Target

Do you not think they have enough money

AND high paid executives to get some good looking produce?



So I mention to the cashier that their produce kinda sucks.

“what do you mean?” she says

“Well… like the bananas?

They should be yellow, perhaps with a tinge of green.

But not speckled with black dots at the initial purchase.



Continuing my incensed explanation.

“And the peppers.

Green is what we are going for here… not this faded lime tint

With a black fungusy center.”


“Oh… yea…I guess that is not like…good”


Really she does not care…

She is just waiting for her break…

To call Brittany

Because Jeffrey was just in there with Olivia

buying tic tacs and the new Justin Bieber CD.


So I ask to speak with the store manager.

After trying to tell Tiffany Amber all this.

Get me the store manager... I need some damn green beans.


“Ma’am let me see if I can find him – he may be in the back”

“Well… tell him who it is and have him pull up my purchase history”

(he will be out here to kiss my ass toot sweet I assure you)




And the manager is a nice man.

Round and round we go…

Explaining my nutritional plight.

He tells me:

“I know ma’m, I know… we are working on it.”


And that? Is all I can get.

Because lanes 1 through 11 are 3 deep with customers…

Seemingly not at all worried about their produce…



am not his priority.


I truly believe I could threaten them…

Threaten to stop shopping there.

If they don’t step up the healthy crap.

I can see it now.


A ticker across all major networks.

DOW takes dramatic plunge.

Denver resident suspect.

Safeway anticipates all time high earnings.

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Posted by on March 28, 2011 in Shopping


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