Monthly Archives: April 2011

Sweet Mother

Last week on Oprah, she asked Chris Rock what grade he would give himself as a parent.


That resonated with me all evening.

What grade would I get?




(really not enough room here on the page

would need to request a margin increase)




I do really well.





maybe only a C here.


Sometimes I am just too tired to do what needs to be done.

And that friends?

Is the truth.




On emulating grace under pressure…



Faced with what must have been a toybox explosion…

I let out a LOUD exclamation of?


That’s all. It’s not so bad right?


As I was leaving the room, Landon said to her visiting best friend…

My Mommy said Sweet Mudder”

And now that is the catch phrase of two four year olds.


And then Friday when Landon dropped the soap bottle she said:

Mommy I not gonna say Shout Damnit…I not, dey bad words.”

Oh Sweet Mother!




Can I do something else for extra credit on this?

Does microwaving frozen chicken fingers count?


Wardrobe coordination?

Oh honey please.

As much makeover TV as I have watched?

What Not To Wear, Oprah, Queer Eye

I am ace’ing this one. A+


Role Model of good character and kindness.

Really I think I do pretty well on this one…

Most of the time.

B+ I will say

Keeping in mind that they at daycare about 8 ½ hours a day

And for 10-12 hours of their time at home they are sleeping.

So yes B+


So overall?

B is what I think.

Definite room for improvement…

But nearer the top…

Than the bottom.

 A pause…

and a little prayer.

That what I am doing is enough…

To produce two happy, healthy, and kind little ladies.

And that when they are older…

maybe Moms themselves…

they will give me an A!

Because this?

Is not a test I want to fail!

Leave a comment

Posted by on April 25, 2011 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , ,

Another One Bites My Butt


Lovely Sunday…

Quiet and relaxing right?

Hell No!

Honestly they are like caged animals.

But we have napped.

Well one of us.

And I?

attempted at home yoga.

Which is about as relaxing as an enima.


Landon “Mommy I needs a do yoga with you…

I so be stressing”

For heavens sake about what…

Whether to pick Belle or Barbie gummy snacks.


So I set up her separate mat…

Which I bought for emergencies just such as this.


It is much more fun to do down dog directly beneath me.

We are like spooning but in downward facing dog…

And then our 25 pound cat

 (yes… cat… he is big boned…)

Has decided to perch on the upper quarter of my mat…

Making any sort of extended movement out of the question.

So all that aside…

We are ready to go outside…

Hit the park…

Post our well deserved treat.


So not deserved…

except for me)

We will have a little frozen yogurt…

Which I always call ice cream…

Because it gets me more Best Mom In School points.

But it is that kind that is sort of a buffet…

Where there are 10 or so flavors…

All with dispensers to pick and mix.

They even have instructions:

  • Create
  • Weigh
  • Pay
  • Enjoy

We never were good at following instructions.


They provide tiny little thimbles for testing…

Which if you actually try to dispense yogurt in to this barbie bowl?

You will get a yogurt hand rinse…

But Landon sees the 5 oz Dixie cups meant for free water…

And decides that is a better sampling tool.


But it’s all good because they cannot reach the yogurt right?


They can…

And there is a squeal of a delight…

As a blob of peanut butter cup/mocha chocolate swirl cascades on the grate.



“Girls… you cannot do that…
You cannot pour yourself a quart size sample of yogurt…
No let Mommy do it”


Kick…. Spit… Spin…


You would have thought I knocked off the Wiggles.

And Tennyson so mad…

So mad she is…

That she does not have free reign

to create her own personal “ice cream” tower…




She bit me on the ass.

 She did.

It is not the first occurrence either.

(in her defense…

it  IS strategically placed at primo biting level)

We caused quite the stir…


“Oh…you’ve got your hands full…don’t you”

You could say that…

And I think I need some Bactine now.


Leave a comment

Posted by on April 19, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting


Tags: , ,

The Raccoon?

The ride to school is quite a chatty jaunt

All from the four year old

Because the two year old cannot get a word in.


“Mommy, Roman said he’s gonna marry me.”

“Mommy… Jimmy said you have crazy hair some days”

I don’t like that kid anyway…

And don’t get me started on his mom’s hair…


“Mommy… I just blew bubbles with my butt”

Classy girl I am raising.

“Mommy! Carson picks his nose and eats his boogers… it gross”

“Mommy…I need you a get me some new sparkle shoes…”

“Mommy…I want to buy a dog”


I swear…

it is about a 20 minute drive and 19 ½ minutes of Landon air time.

Sweet Lord…

That girl can talk.


So today…

“Mommy… you need a see our raccoon”



“Mommy I be so serious”

What in the hell is she talking about?



da raccoon is so berry cute…

both of dem”


They have a raccoon at school?

Two of them??


Pulling me down the hall…

We must see the raccoons…


Then I will have a chat with the teacher about the germs they carry

how they are ensuring the children are safe…

and why they can’t just get a goldfish.





Da raccoon is so cute.



it a butterfly now.


Oh! I see

The “raccoon”?

is (or was now) a cocoon…


I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Because she is so excited over the butterfly…

And it is just so damn cute…














1 Comment

Posted by on April 13, 2011 in Uncategorized


Tags: ,

Pink Diamonds and the Big O?

Stealing a moment… just a quick trip to Nordstrom.

Out of lip gloss…

Laura Mercier Pink Diamonds and Nars Orgasm.

Their best sellers.




Straight away.


I only need two things…

only these two.


“May I help you miss?”

A dapper young man clad all in black.

and more eyeliner than I will ever own.


I love him!

Anyone who calls me miss…

Especially when I am 20 years their senior.





I need…


Pink Diamonds…


And an Orgasm.”



If that don’t sum it all up!

I mean does a girl really need anything else?


And I am not sure who laughed harder…


Or my new friend Sephora friend Stephan.










1 Comment

Posted by on April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized