Little Pearls

04 May

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I am recalling some pearls of wisdom (a.k.a. lessons I have learned the hard way)

Cook everything with cheese

– you can cover up a lot of healthy food with cheese.

Keep your makeup under lock and key


Put your kids’ school clothes on for “night night”.   You can skip that whole dressing thing in the morning.

Hit them with a spritz of wrinkle release in the morning and you are good to go.

Get earplugs…and a backup pair

between the fighting, whining, and constant name calling (MAMA…MOM…. MOMMY)…

they will go to good use.

Don’t let them watch the Wizard of Oz…

until they are at least 20…

unless you want them in your bed every night.

Between that green witch and the flying monkeys… ACCCKK!

Watch your mouth…

they will remember EVERY bad word you say…

and NONE of the discipline you dole out such as…

a.    Stop hitting your sister…
b.    Don’t throw your toys
c.    Don’t eat the cat food
d.    No spitting out the window

The earth has some sort of magnetic property that attracts your kids whenever they are clean…

don’t fight it…

just buy more in the brown family (taupe, ecru, sand, espresso)

so it all blends in.

Don’t throw up when they eat pats of butter…

they will just want to do it more.

but DAMN that is disgusting!

Refrain from laughing when they say “move it lady” in the grocery store

(knowing full well they hear you say it daily on the way to school)

Don’t ask them how you look in your new jeans….

UNLESS you are prepared for a brutally honest answer…

“Mommy- dat just not good”

Stop buying oatmeal…

it will not end up?

only on your ass, your new blazer, your hair.

It will not, however end up in your child’s mouth or digestive track.

Any cereal in your cabinet without at least 2 cups of refined sugar and three neon colors will be of no interest.

Find a liquor store that delivers.


Posted by on May 4, 2011 in Misbehaving, Toddler


Tags: , ,

2 responses to “Little Pearls

  1. Becca

    May 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Ain’t that the truth! And I’m hearing you on the freakin Wizard Of Oz…wish I had a do-over for that mistake. Happy Mama’s Day this weekend!!

    • kellyozley

      May 5, 2011 at 2:09 pm

      WAY big mistake on my part — letting them watch that movie. You live and learn I guess you live and learn. Happy Mommy’s to you too my dear.


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