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Monthly Archives: June 2011

Dar she blows…

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would spend 83 minutes on a Sunday blowing up a dolphin pool,

 I would have called you crazy.

I mean I am successful salesperson…

And?

I am a Mom.

So that day?

It was I who is crazy.

 

Because our old pool broke…

So we must have a new one.

 

The one I bought…has a dolphin slide.

I did not read the box…

Had I?

I would have spent that afternoon spraying the children with the hose…

And not blowing a dolphin I just met.

 

The first thing I see out of the box is this large attachment device.

Not the normal raft type inflation thingy (the thing you just blow your own hot air in to)

 

Instructions:

Get a pump of some kind

Oh shit!

 

Well…

We have four pumps…

One battery operated camping one…

Which?

Will NEVER be used for camping as long as I am conscious.

One for my ab ball.

One standard bike pump.

One travel bike pump.

NONE?

Of them worked.

I tried them all…

One by one.

NOTHING… NADA…ZILCH…NEGATORY MON AMI

 

15 minutes in I find three standard blow up thingys.

And when there are three blow up thingys on one pool?

That is trouble.

 

I had to stop 11 times to get this thing blown up…

And folks?

I am in decent shape.

Cardiovascularly that is.

Won’t be winning Miss a Hawaiian  Tropic…

but I am a frequent flyer at the gym.

 

OMG

 

 

80 inches of hell.

And all the while I am “blowing” the dolphin pool…

Or Devil’s Spawn as I will be now referring to it.

My daughter is trying to help.

 

Help?

Has a new definition when you have children.

It means…

a 3-5 year old…

determined to make even the simplest task take 4 times as long…

ALWAYS…

resulting in a mess…

typically ending in parental injury…

usually a cast, stitches, or eye patch.

 

 

Her help?

is continuing to try the 4 pumps I have previously certified as USELESS!

And by spinning the pool around w/ ME attached…

throwing off my equilibrium…

and sending me careening in to the dirt.

 

FUN

FUN

FUN

 

Then screaming at the top of her lungs:

“Mom  you are such a great blower.”

 

“You are da best blowing Mom in da world”

“I am going to tell everyone what a good blower you are”

 

My dad will be so proud.

 

As he was when he found out I could tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

It was a college thing.

 

To which he replied.

“my dear… you should have no problem finding a date”

 

 

 

The finished devil's spawn

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Posted by on June 29, 2011 in Misbehaving, Swimming

 

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Don’t Leave Me Oprah!

I miss Oprah.

I do.

And there is a hole in my day.

There is.

Right where she was.

It is not like I was sitting here at 4 every day watching her talk on top of her guests…

But…

I taped it every day.

(GOD I AM OLD)

DVR’d it really.

 

Now?

She is gone.

Like my figure.

 

So I tape Dr. Oz

In her place.

He is darling…he is.

 

And I am learning so much.

Like all the supplements you are supposed to take after 40.

The “super” foods to eat.

Honestly if I take all the supplements he recommends, my tummy will have no room FOR the “super” foods.

 

But what really is so odd to me?

Is the way all those people in the audience…

They get so excited.

Jump up and down…

Grab their sister…

High Five their best friend…

To run up on stage…

And hold a dead person’s gall bladder.

What up?

 

Today Dr. Oz chose his “assistant” was this lady Elizabeth…

From Alabama.

 

This lady?

Was so twitterpated.

I mean I get it.

Us Alabama girls like a perty man.

But she could hardly talk.

Running up all matchy matchy…

“Oh”

(tee hee tee hee)

“Dr.Oz”

(tee hee tee hee)

“you…you…you…jis look sa nice in yur scrubs”

 

And his discussion today?

Was about your internal organs… how they can just fall out of your girl parts.

Say What?!

 

He says “if you rectum falls out”

OH MY GOD!

I mean I pretty much thought all that stuff was sort of good and secure up in there.

 

Then he keeps going:

“Vagina”

“Uterus”

”Vagina”

“Vagina”

“Vagina”

He is saying vagina so many times, it is like its Pepsi.

 

And then he says…

SWEAR

That if your uterus pops our your Va Jay Jay in the shower…

You can just pop that sucker back in.

Can you imagine?

 

“Honey…hold up… my damn uterus fell out again. I got to git it back in before we go to Mama’s”

 

If Oprah’s Va Jay Jay offends you DO NOT click on this.

 
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Posted by on June 23, 2011 in Oprah

 

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Up!

In a morning blur.

On the way to school, Landon requested a song

“One I can sing to Mommy”

 

Pondering which one to pick on the IPOD…

I’m a Little Teapot?

You Are My Sunshine?

When she says..

“I want dat one where I want to bite your disco stick”

ACCKK!

BRAKES SQUEAL.

 

I like the Gaga but…

I also know…

That disco stick has nothing to do with the WII.

 

“Wh…wha…what… did you say?”

 

Sniff

Sniff

“Mommy don’t be mad, I not say shut up or stupid”

 

I am still noodling on this when I arrive home.

 

I hear a kitty…

Clooney, my kitty.

She does not go out, how can that be?

And where is she?

Look left, look right

 

“MEOW!”

 

Look up…

OMG!

 

There she is – up the tree…

Not a little up the tree

A WHOLE LOT up the tree.

And there is a squirrel ahead of her.

She is trying to catch him.

Up Up Up she goes…

20 feet

25 feet

30 feet

Inching up to about 34-35 feet

But?

She cannot get down.

A serious oh shit moment for her.

 

I am a mess.

A BIG mess.

OMG OMG OMG

What do I do?

Quick google for cat retrieval on the internet.

I see AAA Emergency Tree Service – Denver Cat Rescue

For real?  There is a business that does this?

You have got to check it out: http://www.aaaemergencytreeservice.com/denver-cat-rescue

 

So I call…

And thank God he answers.

Tearfully I explain the dilemma.

Joe…

Is going to be my hero.

He is coming over!!!

 

I call in support while I wait.  Katy is lickety split over to calm me down…

And keep me off the roof.

Because as she pointed out…

it will be hard to parent while in traction.

 

I am trying to get Clooney myself.

But the math…

Me at 5’4”

Her at 35 feet.

It is not happening.

Plus I bought the cheapest 6 foot ladder Home Depot has.

And I know now why the other ones are more expensive.

This one is a piece of C-R-A-P and I am wobbling all over the place.

 

Clooney does inch down a bit, maybe 10-12 feet.

 

Katy and I watch nervously mumbling encouraging words:

“It’s okay honey…

Back it down

NOT THAT BRANCH…it won’t hold you

Here kitty kitty

No back down with your butt first…

YOUR BOOTY CLOONEY”

 You can imagine how effective this is.

 

Well Katy is smart and suggests we put together a net of sorts in case she falls.

Capital idea.

But we have no net or air mattress.

So we use?

The baby pool.

There we stand holding the baby pool between us.

Ready to catch her if need be.

It was?

Ridiculous… and resourceful.

 

An hour and a half… here he comes.

The cavalry is here.

Joe has this down. He handles cat retrieval in Denver.

But?  he fields calls from all over the country and dispatches local folks.

Clever right?

He is a professional cat getter.

 

He has an 18 foot ladder.

And a rope, harness, and chap thingys.

A hard hat and a bag for cat retrieval.

Joe is on it.

 

Up he goes.

Slow and steady…

At the ready.

 

5 feet from her.

Establishing trust.

 

Joe:  “hello pretty girl…I love you…  you know I love you”

Swear to God – it was adorable.

“I love you kitty… it is okay”

Katy and I are dying.

 

She lets him pet her…

Scratch her ears.

Then makes a primal sound that elicits a gasp from the ground crew…

Me and Katy.

 

4 feet higher

3 feet higher

2 feet higher

 

Silent prayer from me.

GRAB

SCOOT

PUSH

In the bag she is.

HISS  HISSS  HISSSSSSS

She is pissed!

 

Down he comes with grace and ease.

I am given the cat in the bag…

And release her in the house.

Did not see her for hours.

 

Joe is my hero!

Clooney?  Is grounded for eternity.

 

And the cool piece of this is that part of Joe’s fee goes to a charity.

50 dollars goes to an orphanage in India.

How cool is that?

I told him about my girls and their adoptions.

So we are fast friends.

 

The lesson?

Keep your cat inside at all times.

But in a pinch call Joe and he will help you out.

And?

Never play Lady Gaga in front of your kids.

Joe professing his undying love for Clooney.

 

Check out Joe’s work:

http://philanthropicbusinessnetwork.org/

In October of 2006 as a result of a chance meeting with one of Joe Phillipps clients, who were running multiple charitable efforts in India through their organization Love Outreach Ministries(including an orphanage and health care in 2 lepers colonies), decided to support their efforts.

As result he came up with a model of raising money through his business and started the Philanthropic Business Network.org as a way of letting his clients know about his effort.

In the last 5 years his business AAA Emergency Tree Service and their clients have been responsible for raising $60,000, which has allowed Love Outreach Ministries to start a trade school in 2008 for women including the purchase of a building and is currently building a orphanage which will also include a clinic.Within the next year enjoying philanthropy as he does , he is opening up PBN to other businesses so as to promote philanthropy, no matter how its’ expressed,either for humanity or mother earth, faith based or not. He just loves doing this work and once to encourage other businesses in any way he can, to do the same.

 
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Posted by on June 21, 2011 in Adoption, Cats, Music, Parenting

 

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FORE!

There is a Fathers Day golf thing at school.

like putt putt.

UGH!

Well?

I am not a man.

And not a daddy.

But we don’t have one of those.

So…

 

And the Daddy question is starting to come up…

A lot.

 

On the way to swim lessons last week:

“Mommy do we have a Daddy?”

 

Coffee spray on the steering wheel…

My normally quick wit…

now?

not so quick!

“uh…uh…Not yet.”

 

What kind if answer is that?  Like he is en route or something?

 

True really … I hope one day I can say yes to this.

But today…

I am both.

Mommy

Daddy

or Mo’Daddy as I call it.

 

Really I am EVERYTHING:

  • Supreme Goddess of Domestic Tidiness
  • Not So Handy Man
  • Bandaid Distributor
  • Spellbinding Storyteller
  • Choreographer of the Toddler Dance
  • Master Chef of the Cheese Casserole
  • Creative Art Coach
  • Princess Chauffeur
  • Director of Dispute Management – (she has more cookies, blocks, jew’ry,  dan me MOMMY)
  • Varmint Wrangler – i.e. deadly moths, ants, and caterpillars.
  • Alpha Dog … some days…okay maybe hardly ever.   BUT in my mind…. I AM THE TOP DOG!
  • Shit Sherpa

The Shit Sherpa

 

So on the golf thing…

I tell her I may not be able to make it.

“why?”

“well…Mommy has to work?”

“Mommy you always be so working. Why you be so working all da time?”

 

Stab…

Direct hit to the heart.

 

“well?…honey… I have to work to pay for our house and all your toys and peanut butter”

“Mommy… if you not come…I be so sad…

I be crying and crying and crying and crying”

I’ll take overacting for 100.00 Alex.

 

“I will do my best Landon”

“well Mommy… I just be so sad… but you make your choice”

 

WHAT? Is she using my own tactics on me?

I feel like crap…

You know… cuz I be so working all da time.

So she wins.

And I put on my sneakers and Bermuda shorts…

Because THAT is a sexy look.

And out  we went.

FORE!

PGA here I come.


 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in Exercise, Princess

 

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Snap…Crackle… Pop!

 

Hell hath no fury as a toddler pissed!

Honey!

Do you hate the mornings?

It is like a full moon every morning around here.

What causes the madness?

“No…

Not dat dress…

Da other one”

“No…

it has a tie…

I hate dat tie…

I hate it…

MOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYY FIX IT”

And we are 4.

I thought I had a bit of time before the drama kicked in full throttle.

 

And then a scream…

From the kitchen…

A HISS

Another hiss…

Tennyson is being dragged by the cat.

 The 24 lb cat…

Whose tail she has…

As he pulls her across the kitchen.

Like skiing…

on linoleum.

He? Is not happy.

 

And Breakfast…

Little Tenny has been up since before 6.

And has consumed:

  • a bowl of cereal
  • 3 soy sausages
  • And scrambled eggs

I hid my English muffin under a paper towel in the bathroom sink.

I shit you not.

So she wouldn’t see it.

 

Just a bite as I put on mascara.

DAMNIT!  She spied it…

 

“I want some dat”

Honestly if you want to lose weight…

let me just send her over.

 

And now her sister is eating.

But we are dressed and finishing breakfast.

It is 7:52 a.m.

Honestly…

We are doing good.

 

Until?

Tenny wants Landon’s cereal…

The very same kind she ate earlier…

And now has a second bowl of.

 

“I WANT”

  “No honey”

  “it mines”

 “It is not yours… it’s Landon’s”

“MOMMY…. I want… I want”

And then the chant!

mine

mine

mine

mine

mine

mine

mine

mine

mine

 

So relaxing…

She smacks her hands on the table in a desperate fit for her sister’s nourishment…

Milk spills…

but just a bit…

Quick to the paper towel I am.

Only to hear:

 

“waaaa waaaa  waaaa”

This time Landon

“Mommy look what she did”

waaaa waaaa waaaa

 

And I see no cereal on the table.

Oh no she didn’T!

 

She?

In her fit…

Sent the bowl scooting across the table…

Rice Krispies all over the place…

But the bowl?

Landed on the cat.

And folks?

It is only 7:54 a.m.

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Nice to Meet You Honey

Okay I know I have not been writing much.

Several have commented on it.

I have been busy…

busy…

as a one armed paper hanger.

who makes up these sayings???

 

Thing 1 and Thing 2 run me absolutely ragged…

no lie.

 

But!

 

I may be seeing the light…

at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Tennyson has been home just over 13 months.

What a year it has been.

She has been sick.

A lot.

Like almost every other week it seems.

 

And sick?

will wear your ass out.

 

In one year she has had:

  • four bouts of strep
  • 13 ear infections
  • 2 rounds of pink eye
  • and one nasty fall resulting in a jammed tooth in her gum line.

(not even going to discuss the various viruses she toted home)

 

For one year…

we were at the Urgent care or pediatrician at least every other week.

Many a weekend we spent waiting and waiting…

while the four front desk attendees ate Chick-Fil-A and fries.

Not even offering a bite…

and appearing WAY too busy licking the catsup off their fingers…

to process our paperwork quickly…

and rush a sick toddler back…

in an attempt to:

GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK

 

One weekend, we were at the Urgent Care twice.

Two Times…

IN ONE DAY!

 

whew!

 

Tenny got tubes on April 20.

She has not been sick since.

 

That may not seem like a big deal to you..

but 7 weeks of  NO sickness is?

HUGE

around here.

 

I feel as if I am just meeting her…

seeing her for the first time.

 

Because when you are sick…
it is not fun for anyone.

And she?
is delightful!

My mother would never make a mess like the one behind me. Cute though I be...I am entirely responsible.


 

Sweet…
and high spirited

(that is what you say when you are looking for a word for disobedient that reads well).

 

Pretty with curls that seem to defy gravity.

 

A mouth that would make Angelina Jolie jealous.

and an evolving personality that is fun, sweet, and a tad mischievous.

So today I say…

Nice to meet you honey…
Oh the places WE will go.

 
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Posted by on June 12, 2011 in Toddler

 

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Mama? Is that you?

At school the kids drew pictures of their Moms.

Portraits they said…

I did not know this.

Walking down the hall…

Ramsey’s dad snickers…

Hmmm.

Do I have spinach in my teeth?

I pass the Director…

“Kel…I just love you”

Okay…whatever…me too.

And then the school chef…

“Kelly I knew I liked you”

with a High Five.

What?  is going on?

And then I see it.

The board of Mommy portraits.

I cannot wait to see these! how cute!
Landon…

I see her name.

but the picture.

WHO is that?

I look like Tammy Faye’s offspring…

and as if I color my hair with mustard.

Dat's My Mama

I later asked Landon…

“why did you make Mommy’s hair yellow”

“well Mommy…

your hair be so crazy…

it brown in da back…

and da front…

it just all over da place”

ACKKK!

You wait til I tell Eliza
what Landon think’s of her color work.

Oh and…
she wrote a little bio on me:
WORD FOR WORD

 

My Mom’s name is Kelly
Her favorite book to read to me is Green Eggs and Ham.
Everything she cooks is spicy. Beans and potatoes and pizza and corn.
She likes to watch a movie after midnight and have a snack on the couch.
She likes to have grown up drinks a lot!

OMG OMG OMG

No wonder everyone was staring at me…
I’m the school booze bag.

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2011 in Misbehaving

 

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