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Monthly Archives: July 2011

Bumpit…real good!

At my company…

we partner…

to drive more sales…

a.k.a. get more MOO-lah.

 

and my friend Suzy…

has taken this to an entirely new level.

 

She?

Is southern.

And Southern girls like big hair,

High heels,

And our mascara.

 

*** free Wayne Newton CD with each purchase...limited time offer***

 

So Suzy has a meeting…

With a customer.

The humidity is not helping her do.

It is a don’t.

So…

She uses the Bumpit.

 

 

The what?

 Come on people…

Seriously?

 The bumpit was designed entirely for Southern women…

To create the illusion of the thick and high hair.

It is the equivalent of the wonder bra…

Only for hair.

Even Snooki uses it…

and we all know she is a style icon.

 

A tutorial for your own beautification.

 

 

She arrives.

A key meeting with her long time customer.

The casual, expected hug.

Lean in.

Tap tap on the shoulder.

Pull away.

 But Wait!

They are not parting.

They are entangled.

 A love connection?

Long felt lust now…

Requited.

 

NO!
NO!

 

The Bumpit’s done got him!!!

OMG

OMG

OMG

 

Suzy’s Bumpit is caught in his hair.

They are intertwined…

Like braces in the 6th grade.

 

OMG

OMG

OMG

 

Pulling…

Gently at first…

Then a firm tug.

She is free.

The Bumpit?

Still attached to Lou.

And Lou?

Is clearly trying to figure out how his going to explain this to his wife.

 

Suzy’s hair?

Resembles a bird’s nest…

Sans the bird.

 

The awkward silence….

And then a rumble…

Then roar…

Laughter…

Thigh slapping laughter.

 

They laughed for 15 minutes.

And Lou signed the deal.

And Suzy?

Is considering a trendy bob or sleek ponytail.

Bumpit gone bad...WAY bad. She looks like a human hammer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2011 in Beauty

 

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Get Out!

“GETTTT OUT!”

 “JIS  GET OUTTT!”

 Hmmm

 

Wondering…

 

It is 9:30.
I can hear Landon yelling in the bathroom.

 

Hmmm.

 

How did Tennyson get out of her crib?

 At 9:30…

 To bug her sister?

 

“I said… get out”

 

I peek in…

 “Landon?”

 

“what Mommy”

 

“Who are you talking to?”

 

“My poop”

 

“OH”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 25, 2011 in Poop, Potty

 

The Mounty

Recently I went to a spa and had a massage. 
It was a different kind of massage…
a Chinese foot massage.
 
 If you don’t know what that is, honey stay tuned.
 
 Stephen walks in and he is yummy.  Fine looking young man.
 

FINE!!

 

And I lie down.  He proceeds to tell me that he will also be doing a little Thai massage as well. ”

 

“ummmm ok”
 
I don’t know what this means but am all for something extra in a massage.
 

     The Mounty?
 
“okay Kelly…I will need to mount you”  

SAY WHAT!!!

And with that we are one.

United on the massage table.
Me flat on my back…
He?
 with his foot in my groin.   
 
Ouch!!!!!
 
OMG.And then?

 
Pushing
Proding
Probing
 
All the while I am mounted. 
 
I do not recall even getting his last name.
 
And honestly…
typically when I am in this sort of proximity of a person…
there has been an expensive meal…
or at least a nice cocktail.
 
Stephen is straddling me. OMG.  OMG.  OMG. 

Is this legal?  Isn’t he violating some massage therapist oath or something?

“And I am going to push on your femerol artery. 

 Don’t worry…
 but it completey cut off the blood flow to your legs.”
 
WHAT???
 
What does cutting off my circulation have to do with my RELAXING foot massage?
His hands are on either side of my…
you know…
va jay jay!
He applies all his bodily force.
 
And with that I cannot speak…
or move. 
And?
I cannot feel my legs. Then WOOSH!!!

He releases and there is a rush to my legs.  So much I thought I has just lost control of my bladder. 

 
I have begun to perspire.
 
Then we move on to “massaging” my feet…
which I liken to getting caught in a bear trap.
 
It is as if he is a human vice grip…
And pissed at me!
 
Rubbing what seems to be his brass knuckles across the bottom of my feet.
 
over
and
over
and
over
 
Next… the pinching.
He takes that back of my ankle and pinches.
pinch
pinch
pinch
I feel a tear forming.  

And then?

 
I kicked him…
quite by accident.  I mean this is reflexology right?  He should understand a little involuntary movement right?
 
He was not amused. But seriously his nose only bleed a little tiny bit. 

Stephen is about done… thank God.

He is finishing up telling me where each precise point on my foot is linked to an organ or system…sleep and back pain, then digestion. 
Digging
Digging
Digging
He is. 
 

He asks me of any final areas that need work…

legs?

abdomen?

I am afraid to mention any part of my body really.

You know when you travel…
things don’t always flow correctly right?
the natural elimination process that is to say. 
 
So how can I tell this little hottie?
 

Mama needs to poop.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2 Comments

Posted by on July 17, 2011 in massage

 

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Gravity

And last night…

Asleep…

Dreaming perhaps.

 

A repeat.

 

 

But this time, I hear her.

 

Pad

Pad

Pad

Shuffle

Shuffle

Pad

 

Then…

 

Sniff

Sniff

Sniff

 

 

“Landon?”

 

 

“Mommy?”

 “my poop it not coming out…

 It stuck.”

Get!! out of dere you damn poop.

And with that?

I sit up…

Give her a hug…

Then high five.

 

And think to myself…

Just wait til you hit 40…

 

Because that?

 

Appears to be the only thing…

Gravity does not affect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on July 11, 2011 in Poop, Potty, Sleep

 

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The Have’s and The Have Not’s

A trip to the pool…

On a holiday weekend…

A LONG holiday weekend.

 

The joy…

Just JOY!

Of a trip to the pool with children.

 

First you must wrangle two toddlers in to bathing suits.

And isn’t that fun?

So excited they cannot control themselves.

Nor stand still.

 “Let’s go Mommy….let’s go”

Twist…pull…shove…trying to get them in to the suits.

Like trying to put pantyhose on an eel…

Times 2.

 

Then the sunscreen.

And we use the spray because it is easier…

 

Kind of…

At least there is a broad spray…

So you should at least get 75, maybe 80% of the body.

 

More squeals….

 Then a scream…

Because number 1 is down…

Fallen in the residual sunscreen spray.

HUG HUG HUG

KISS KISS KISS

 

Scoot scoot in to the car…

Squeals of anticipatory glee the entire ride.

 

We must go to the kid pool…

Clearly delineated…

By the NO CHILDREN ALLOWED sign…

On the neighboring pool.

 

And oh so evident.

The Have’s

And the Have Not’s

We?

I?

Am the Have Not.

 

The Have’s?

Sit beside a serene pool.

Barely a ripple in the crystal waters.

Ours?

Utter pandemonium

Noodles abound

Screaming

Kicking

Splashing

 

They have a Starbucks.

I?

Have tap water.

 

They have a fancy Danish.

I?

Have a mangled breakfast bar.

 

They have a newspaper.

Booo hooooo

I?

Have nothing I can call my own.

Perhaps I will read the breakfast bar wrapper.

 

Almost to our spot.

I can hardly walk.

 

I have two toddlers…

One on the left, one on the right.

And…

The pool paraphernalia.

Which is:

Swim diapers

Water shoes

Juice and water

Three hats…

no two…

where IS Tennyson’s hat?

she JUST had it.

Four towels, because we will lose one.

Non-meltable snacks –

3 sets of identical snacks…

because water makes a kid irritable…

and indecisive.

Water toys

Money…

just in case I forgot something

(which seems damn near impossible given my building backache)

 

Latest Oprah club book.

OMG that is funny…

As IF I am going to be able to read.

 

Here we go.

 

SWIM SWIM  SWIM

SPLASH   SPLASH   SPLASH

BUZZZZZ              BIZZZZZ                  BIZZZZZZ        BUZZZZ

 

“What?

Is that?”

 

I ask… trying to stabilize my shaken children.

 

Four lifeguards are blowing whistles.

At the same time.

??

Is there an emergency?

 

I am informed by an adjacent Mommy that:

“Oh they are checking the PH level of the pool”

Translated…

looking for pee pee.

“They do that every hour…

Blow the whistle and everyone has to evacuate for 15 minutes”

EVACUATE??

 

Are YOU KIDDING ME?

 

We have been here 11 minutes.

ELEVEN

Only eleven.

 And four 17 year olds are blowing on military whistles

Telling us to get out…

So they can see if there is pee pee in the pool.

NEWSFLASH

 

There IS pee pee in these waters friend.

There totally is.

 

And now?

I have to explain to a 2 ½ and 4 ½ year old about the pee pee exploration….

That will occur every hour on the hour.

WAAA  WAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAA   WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Is the bar open?

3 more of these? and I won't care that 28 kids have been pee'ing in here all afternoon.

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2011 in Parenthood, Parenting, Swimming

 

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The Call Is Coming From Inside The House

Have you seen that new book?

 Go the F__K to sleep.

 

Swear that is the name of it.

By Adam Mansbach/Richard Cortes

A Children’s book for grown-ups.

 I wouldn’t actually read it to my girls…

But honey I think it.

All the time.

All the damn time.

 

You know what I mean?

Every night…

A million and one things to delay bedtime:

 Drink of water…

“I have an oui”

More water…

Then “I need a pee pee”

“I be so scared of da dark so I needs the lights on”

Followed by “I cannot sleep because the lights are too bright”

Then “I hungry”

Followed by “my tummy hurts”

 

ONE MILLION AND ONE REASONS to NOT go to bed.

And only one reason to go?

BECAUSE YOUR MAMA NEEDS A DAMN BREAK.

 

Am I right?

 

And when finally you do go to bed…

You can breathe…

Start your 30 item task list…

At 10:25 p.m.

 

But you are just too tired…

So you go to bed.

Collapse really.

Hard…Hard to sleep you go…

Sexy in your sweet pants and t-shirt.

Unsure that you removed your makeup.

CERTAIN that you do not care.

zzzzzzzzzzZ         zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ       zZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 

And you don’t hear it.

The pad across the carpet…

The silent approach of your tiny foe.

Until…

MOMMY!!!!

 

ACCCKKKK!!!!!  Sweet mother above!

Upright

Stiff with fear…

You peek…

To the side…

Carefully.

And you see?

Your daughter…

And?

You scream…

Loud…

Really loud.

Because?

She has just scared the shit out of you.

 

Hands on your mattress.

Mouth 4 ½ inches from your ear.

Yelling “Mommy”

Waking you from dead and well deserved sleep.

ACCCKK!!

ACCCKKK!!

ACCCKKKK!!!

 

It will make your heart beat so fast…

You will swear it has just become an external organ.

 

Like that movie.

When A Stranger Calls…

Where that creepy voice keeps calling…

And no one will help that girl…

Until she finally gets the cops…

And they tell her…

“the call is coming from inside the house”.

ACKKKK

ACKKKKK

ACCKKKKK

 

Scariest thing I have ever seen

EVER

Well that and the girl in spin class.

Somehow!

Her bike shorts had come all the way down…

You could see ALL her panties…

ALL of them.

And these? were not the panties you want to be wearing when you get in an accident.

EEEEKKK!

 

Trying to recover…

“Landon!!!

 “what is it?”

“Well mama..  you don’t have to yell”

 

“Well!”… GASP

“what” GASP  GASP GASP…

“what is it?”

“I not member…

You be so scaring me when you yelled at me”

Never Wake A Sleeping Mama

 
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Posted by on July 3, 2011 in Misbehaving, Sleep

 

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