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The Call Is Coming From Inside The House

03 Jul

Have you seen that new book?

 Go the F__K to sleep.

 

Swear that is the name of it.

By Adam Mansbach/Richard Cortes

A Children’s book for grown-ups.

 I wouldn’t actually read it to my girls…

But honey I think it.

All the time.

All the damn time.

 

You know what I mean?

Every night…

A million and one things to delay bedtime:

 Drink of water…

“I have an oui”

More water…

Then “I need a pee pee”

“I be so scared of da dark so I needs the lights on”

Followed by “I cannot sleep because the lights are too bright”

Then “I hungry”

Followed by “my tummy hurts”

 

ONE MILLION AND ONE REASONS to NOT go to bed.

And only one reason to go?

BECAUSE YOUR MAMA NEEDS A DAMN BREAK.

 

Am I right?

 

And when finally you do go to bed…

You can breathe…

Start your 30 item task list…

At 10:25 p.m.

 

But you are just too tired…

So you go to bed.

Collapse really.

Hard…Hard to sleep you go…

Sexy in your sweet pants and t-shirt.

Unsure that you removed your makeup.

CERTAIN that you do not care.

zzzzzzzzzzZ         zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ       zZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

 

And you don’t hear it.

The pad across the carpet…

The silent approach of your tiny foe.

Until…

MOMMY!!!!

 

ACCCKKKK!!!!!  Sweet mother above!

Upright

Stiff with fear…

You peek…

To the side…

Carefully.

And you see?

Your daughter…

And?

You scream…

Loud…

Really loud.

Because?

She has just scared the shit out of you.

 

Hands on your mattress.

Mouth 4 ½ inches from your ear.

Yelling “Mommy”

Waking you from dead and well deserved sleep.

ACCCKK!!

ACCCKKK!!

ACCCKKKK!!!

 

It will make your heart beat so fast…

You will swear it has just become an external organ.

 

Like that movie.

When A Stranger Calls…

Where that creepy voice keeps calling…

And no one will help that girl…

Until she finally gets the cops…

And they tell her…

“the call is coming from inside the house”.

ACKKKK

ACKKKKK

ACCKKKKK

 

Scariest thing I have ever seen

EVER

Well that and the girl in spin class.

Somehow!

Her bike shorts had come all the way down…

You could see ALL her panties…

ALL of them.

And these? were not the panties you want to be wearing when you get in an accident.

EEEEKKK!

 

Trying to recover…

“Landon!!!

 “what is it?”

“Well mama..  you don’t have to yell”

 

“Well!”… GASP

“what” GASP  GASP GASP…

“what is it?”

“I not member…

You be so scaring me when you yelled at me”

Never Wake A Sleeping Mama

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6 Comments

Posted by on July 3, 2011 in Misbehaving, Sleep

 

Tags: , ,

6 responses to “The Call Is Coming From Inside The House

  1. Coop

    July 3, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Jac had collick so Leigh and I alternated staying up with him. I ‘threatened’ him with never getting a car or having a date when he was older. Just revenge for having to watch ‘I love Lucy’ reruns at 3am. He turned out okay and seems I was toothless on the ‘threats’. They will grow, and we do, out of this one of a thousand phases! Take care, Kelly. You are very lucky and a great Mom!

     
  2. Becca

    July 4, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    OMG that just made me laugh. I can think of a many nights when I’ve been woken up in the middle of a deep sleep with something as trivial as “Mama! I didn’t even know that frozen rain is really snow”. Ok child, perhaps that could have waited until morning?
    Did you ever figure out what Landon wanted to tell you?

     
    • kellyozley

      July 4, 2011 at 8:43 pm

      No telling what the child wanted. I am sure my screams have permanently scared it out of her recollection. That is so cute– “frozen rain is snow”. I get a lot of that… “mama… did you know bats live in caves” and other bits of wisdom.

       
  3. Marilyn Craig

    July 5, 2011 at 10:50 am

    So funny; I’m glad I’m not the only Mom who blows off the list and goes to be. I am relishing our last few months in cribdom – or could be days. Ellery put her foot over the side as though she might think it a good idea to crawl out this morning:). And, that movie is still the scariest I have ever seen (at prime babysitting age).

     
  4. Shannon

    July 12, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Funny! It is universal. Last night Jackson came in around 3 a.m. and asked, “Do fireflies bite? I feel like I have bug bites all over me.” Not sure how the connection was made, but in his head, it was. I was pretty sure there were zero fireflies in his room when he went to sleep.

     
    • kellyozley

      July 12, 2011 at 8:10 am

      How Cute! Honestly…I really think subconsciously they are screwing with us. Or maybe it is just my two.

       

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