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Monthly Archives: August 2011

4 1/2 Minutes

Whenever I feel I have it together…

Like?

I remember to pay the cable bill…

Get the kids to school on time.

Or try a new dinner that the girls…

ACTUALLY eat…

And do not go on and on about…

How it is not…

KRAFT CHEAP AND UNHEALTHY

Mac and Cheese

(I appear to be quite fond of my CAPS LOCK key today)

 

Well.

The Lord has a unique way of re-humbling me.

Over

and

Over

Again.

 

Like?

Working from home…

And on a call with 23 people.

It started at 7:00 a.m.

It is now 9:30.

I NEED TO PEE!

I NEED TO PEE!

3 cups of TAZO Awake tea…

Will do that to you.

 

So!

My boss says we will take a few minutes break.

10 to be exact.

PLENTY OF TIME TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS

 

Just sitting down.

On The Potty!

Thank you God.

Muted the phone of course.

“Kelly?”

“Kelly?”

 

Shit!

My boss is calling me.

“Kelly?  You are there right?”

Oh yeah!

 Up I hop…

Shuffling over to the phone…

Panties around my ankles.

 

Knock the phone off the desk…

“Kelly?”

“Yes… I am here…I am sorry… I was speaking in to mute”

Which is a lie…

Totally.

 But I really don’t want to tell him I was sitting on the throne…

In great anticipation.

 

So I stand there for 4 ½ minutes.

Until he finishes and we ACTUALLY do take a break.

All the while doing my Kegels…

So as to not spring a leak…

Right here on the hardwoods.

And can say with confidence…

any delusions of my grandeur?

are now in full check.

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Seized

Saturday.

A quick run to the grocery store…

Sans the kids.

Grabbing a Starbucks

Love that when they put it in the grocery store…

Right next to the produce.

 

 

Ordering…

Grande

Half caf

Skinny

Cinnamon dolce latte

Extra hot

2 ½ pump

 

“Whip?”

 

“Oh no”

 

“Nonfat?”

“Did I say Non-fat?”

 

…under his breath… Mitchell says…

‘yes you anal retentive wench’

“Yes ma’am…you checked every box on the cup”

“Oh…yea…okay”

‘Smartass’ (under my breath)

 

I really think that ½ pump thing just pisses them off…

Like enough to spit in your foam

Ummmm…

So yummy

 

But then…

An odd sensation…

Like a little gnat

On my neck.

Moving down…

quickly.

What?

 

My necklace…

Broke….

Damnit!

 

Sliding down my shirt now.

 

OMG

 

Where is my CZ?

My CZ …

(the chain is genuine gold…so it counts as semi-precious to me)

 

 

Shoving my hand down my shirt.

Move the girls…

Right boobie to the left

Left boobie to the right

Nada.

 

 

Sliding further down.

Rubbing my right hand over my belly…

Trying to catch it.

Hand up my shirt.

Down

Down

Down

It goes.

With nothing of note to stop it.

 

Now in my pants…

OMG.

Digging in my pants…

Left leg

Right let.

Rubbing my butt.

Pinch

Pull

Tug

Pat.

 

A small crowd has started to form.

 

I can feel the little bugger…

Sliding down my as…

ACKKK!

I heard it drop…

 

Where is it?

 

Don’t step on it.

 

Hop on left foot

Skip forward

Hop on the right

Bounce bounce

WHERE IS IT?

 

Basically lying on the floor now…

Looking under the Colorado White Peaches bin…

Next under the bin of black cherries…

Reaching…. OMG….

There it is.

GOTCHA!

 

Sitting on the floor…

I secure the chain.

Dust off my pants.

And take a well earned sip of my starbucks

 

And this man…

Behind me…

Snickers

Snorts

Laughs

Gurgles

Then Spits

 

Then tries to breathe.

He has witnessed the whole thing.

My full body seizure.

 “You have…

You have…

Just made my…

Made my day.

Maybe my week”

 

Glad to be of service buddy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

The Neighbor

There was a man once…

Isn’t there always?

 

 

I remember Jim

As I pass this lady…

Running…

jogging…

shuffling…

And looking like she is about to pass out.

And I remember…

Jim.

 

 

Jim was a neighbor.

One day he asked if I wanted to go for a short jog.

Well?

His obvious hotness…

made Yes an easy answer.

 

I grab my sneaks…

Cute pony.

Cubic zirconia studs

Click slide of pink diamonds lip gloss.

(southern girls accessorize… always)

And out I go.

 

Slow at first we are.

And then speeding up.

 

His initiation… not mine.

 

 

 

Faster and faster he moves.

Not jogging.

RUNNING

Faster and Faster.

A blur almost.

And…

there are sparks…

emerging  from his Nikes.

 

Then he wants to chat.

Not even yes or no answers.

But:

 “tell me about your family.”

“What brought you to Denver?”

Really dude?

 

I am panting.

And gasping for your next breath…

Is?

NOT SEXY people.

 

Almost back to the starting point …

I see the finish line.

But then?

Another invitation:

“want to go round again?”

 

Are you mad?!

I have to go I say…

Very important work call.

 “okay well I’ll see if you are home around 5 tomorrow and we’ll give it a go again”.

 Yea…whatever.

 

Inside…

I collapse on my bed…

Face forward.

Slowly sliding down the silk bedspread…

Soaked with sweat.

 

I am fogging up my pupils…

With my panting.

I cannot feel my legs.

 

And

I pray…

For additional lung capacity.

I pray…

That my rapidly pulsating heart…

Will steady…

And that I will not die.

 

And I pray…

That Jim…

Will get neighbor amnesia…

And never knock on my door again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2011 in Exercise

 

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Dethroned

It wasn’t long ago.

I was It…

On a stick!

Mommy You Rock!

Mommy was the Queen …

I could do no wrong.

 

Landon:

“Mommy I jis so loves  you”

“Mommy you da bestest Mommy in da ho world”

“Mommy I think you are so bootiful”

 

That has changed.

Landon wants a dog.

NOW!

Our friend Katy has a dog.

So we need one.

She asks me every day:

“are we going to see Katy?”

Translated…

Are we going to see her puppy Maddie?

 

“Not today”

 

Why?”

 

My LEAST favorite word.  PERIOD.

I hear Why

One

Hundred

&

Eighty-three

Times a day…

And they sleep 10 hours a day

AND

Are at day care 8 hours.

WHY

WHY

WHY

 

“Well honey…”

Conjuring up my best Mike Brady

Don’t you remember how the kids would ask him a question…

And he would look out across the room…

Go all cerebral…

And then babble on about something ridiculous…

Until the kids looked stoned…

And then Alice walked in with a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies.

Followed by Carol with her “my scissors broke in the middle of your haircut” coiffure.

 

 

Well…

I go on to explain…

How important animals are…

And we need to respect them…

And they are part of our family

And mom is so busy

You know…

When you are older…

And we have a bigger house.

One day…

On a special day…

We will go as a family and pick our special puppy.

Won’t that be fun.

 

“You mean now mommy?”

 

“Honey…not now…”

 

“WHY?”

 

“Remember..

What mommy just said…

You need to be a little older so you can help me and th….”

“MOM!….Whatever!!”

 

And with that?

she rolls her eyes

crosses her arms

 and turns away in disgust…

at the now dethroned Queen of our family.

 

 

And I know…

I am now scewed…

For life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 3, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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