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Monthly Archives: September 2011

All Natural… All Organic… All sucky

Mama is Southern.

We have established that.

And so when we were in Miami on our trip recently…

 Well…

 some things were just tough for Mama to reckon with.

Time for lunch.

At the spa.

Canyon Ranch Miami

To be exact.

 

I picked this spa…

Because it was on the beach…

The rooms are huge with separate bedrooms…

(which means Mama and I can get “liquor’d up while the kids sleep in the other room)

And because they have a kids’ menu.

 That is a big deal.

Try making a kid happy with an organic quinoa salad

Or steamed halibut

Not happening!

 

So I order the hot dog

Which is on an organic whole wheat bun.

Whatever!

The hot dog?

All natural of course.

All natural is VERY big at the Canyon Ranch.

 

“okay so I’ll have that w/ fries …

Two of them”

 

Rene’ (our waiter) clears his throat.

 “um… miss…

We do not have fries…

We offer spa cuisine even for our little ones…

I can bring you roasted garlic and mushroom baby potatoes”

 Oh please do and then step back…

Because my kids are going to be hurling those at the window.

 

“ah… no that won’t work”

“well… we do have artichoke fries…

They will not even know the difference”

 

What?

Do you seriously think a 2 and 4 year old are not going to be able to tell an artichoke from French fries?

These girls are not stupid.

 

But?

I agree to try it.

 

8 ½ minutes later spa kids’ meals arrive.

With Mama’s beer.

She asked for a “lite” beer.

“Mich Lite?”

“No”

“Miller Lite”

“No”

“Bud Lite?”

“No”

”Ma’am… we serve only organic, imported beer”

 SUPER!

Of the 5 beer options?

I could pronounce none…

And I assure you Mama could not.

 Rene’ chooses for us.

 

One bite of the “fry” results in:

“BLAT! Dat nasty” from Landon.

Tears and food toss from Tenny.

 

The bun?

Brown and grainy (because it is actually good for you)…

looks like ants live on it.

Tenny HATES bugs.

HATES them…

Yelling… jumping up and down…

“Mommy yucky”

Did I mention we are on vacation? AT A SPA?

Day one.

First meal.

 

Catsup is my solution for most of my kids’ issues.

 

“Rene’?

this spa thing is not going over well with my non-spa kids…

Can I get some catsup over here”

“umm..”

Uh-oh

“we don’t have catsup…

“We have an organic

(OH GOOD GOD WITH THE DAMN ORGANIC ALREADY)

tomato puree that we use”

I am not a chef…

As my children will surely testify…

But is that not what catsup basically is?

Pureed tomoatoes?

(with salt and sugar and the harmful added preservatives)

Okay enough.

 

“Rene’…

Puree is 4 letter word with my girls.

For the next four days…

Every time you see us…

This tomato puree thing?

is catsup okay?”

 

The girls eat only the hot dog part—scooting the bumpy bun and artichoke “fries” on to the table.

Mama is drinking her 20 ounce beer Rene brought her.

20 ounces is enough to make Mama drunk for a week.

 She is about 6 ounces in and says….

“Kelly?”

hand on hip.. chin lift for added emphasis

“I don’t know what you are paying for this place…

But I swainee…

you been overcharged”

Nuff said….

 

And then we went to the grocery store…

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2011 in Cooking, Food, Misbehaving, spa

 

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Da Pee Pee

I often wonder…

How my life became so…

Glamorous

 

It is 8:16 p.m.

The bewitching hour.

One down…

One to go.

Child that is.

 

We are stalling.

We have had to pee twice

We needed water.

Then a lovey.

Then wanted to sit by me.

Because?

“I be so worried about you Mommy”

 

Time number 3…

To pee.

 

Sneaking out to potty

She does not see me perched outside her door.

 

“Landon?”

 

“ACCKK!”

“Mommy you be so scaring me”

 

“If you were in bed…

As you are supposed to be…

You would not be scared”

 

“Mommy I just has to pee?”

 

“Hurry up”

 

I am waiting…

Because I have seen her work before.

2 minutes

3 minutes

Spin the toilet paper off the roll

Then back on

Tap the wall

Lie across the toilet so she can make wall shadows with her feet.

 

“Landon!”

 

“I hurrying Mommy”

 

Shuffle

Shuffle

Drag

Shuffle

 

This child is like a rocket at the smell of chocolate

But getting her to bed is like walking uphill…

through quicksand.

 

“Honey…GO TO BED!”

 

“Mommy I had to go pee pee”

 

“Landon you did not…

It is physically impossible to have to pee…

3 times in 5 ½ minutes

 

“Mommy!”

“Mommy?”

 

“I DID pee pee…

There were drops

On my legs

Of da pee pee…

I know you saw dem…

I did SO pee”

 

Pivot

Turn

“Hmmph”

From a four year old

Time to refill my wine

And rethink my strategy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Cheap and Fun

No…

That is not my tagline on Match.

Geez!

 

I am just sharing a little find for tots.

http://www.homeimproverclub.com/kidsworkshops.aspx

 

So at Home Depot

at least here in Cod’o’rado

(which is how a 4 year old pronounces it)

On the first Saturday of the month

They have a free project.

It is all for kids and it is FREE!!

That means:

Supplies

Home Depot custom apron

(which means they write your kid’s name on it)

And whatever you make.

Now it is nothing like new cabinets or anything but!

It Is FREE!

 

That was our fun find when Grandma and Grandpa were here earlier this month.

Cute Cute Cute

 

Grandpa and Landon…

they made a dry erase board.

 

Landon was quite proud of her creation.

Grandpa fared well too…

No smashed thumbs…

No curse words (at least that were audible).

 

So I wondered off for a coffee while the masterpiece was being built…

Only to find both Grandpa and Landon finished with their project…

swinging in the discontinued outdoor furniture…

an hour later

and Landon receiving bits of wisdom such as:

“You tell Mommy that ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts is a right fine dinner…

jis skip the broccoli and chickin”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

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Pants… you should get some

Another joyous ride to school…

Peanut butter waffles in the back…

Smoothie in the front.

 

Turning the corner…

Lady w/ her puppies on the right.

 

“Look girls… two puppies”

 Landon:

“ohhh….

 Ahhh…

 Mommy dey be so cute”

 

Tenny:

“POOPPPEEE”

 (best attempt at puppy)

 

And one of the puppies pooped.

 

People this lady was heavy.

 VERY


And she had on a jersey print dress.

Above her knee.

Stacey and Clinton would have shit.

 

But then?

She bent over to pick up the droppings.

 Not a curtsy type of bend.

But a full frontal bend.

Ass in the air…

Shiny white hiney.

 And?

She was wearing a thong.

White cheeks as far as the eye can see.

 

MY EYES!!!!

They are burning!!

 

For God’s sake woman….

Buy some pants…

And WEAR them!

 

I am

thinking

hoping

praying

maybe the girls will not notice.

But as I had just pointed out the puppies…

Well…

They were looking.

“MOM!!!!

You can see ALL her BUTTTTTTT….

MOM!!!!”

“And MOM!

She forgot her panties today.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 14, 2011 in Animals, Fashion

 

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Cheese Whiz

This morning…

In a very stressful moment…

Well several of them.

 

I had had enough:

Tenny swiped yogurt on my pants….

once in the crotch

once down the leg

Three poops in 48 minutes

Not me

Tennyson

3 tugs of war over the same flippin’ toy

1 episode of pull the cat by the tail

1 interrupted play of paste cheerios on the wall

 

And?

it is 7:41 a.m.

 

So?

In exasperation…

I shout…

 “JESUS!”

 Not Hey Zeus…

But Jesus…

The Big Guy.

 

And I know that is not the appropriate manner in which to request help from The Man Upstairs…

 

But…

I was desperate…

So I did.

 

And when you are 2 ½ and Tennyson…

Jesus doesn’t really sound like Jesus…

It sounds like?

Cheese Whiz

Tenny:

“Mommy…. Cheese Whiz”

 “Cheese whiz”

“Cheese whiz”

“Cheese whiz”

Because it makes more of an impact when you say it three times.

 

Now what?

Cheese whiz?

I guess there are worse things a child could say.

 

But…

 

A reminder to watch what you say in front of your kids…

Because they hear EVERYTHING…

And repeat EVERYTHING.

 

And…

Just be aware…

If you hear me shouting?

Cheese Whiz…

Know I am looking for some form of divine intervention…

Or a good babysitter.

 
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Posted by on September 10, 2011 in Cooking, Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Miami Vice

We took a trip recently…

to Miami.

Me…

The girls…

Grandma…

And?

Dewars.

 

Upon arrival and much hysteria…

Of which I am sure you will read at a later date…

We take the Super Shuttle to the hotel.

 

Super means?

we will cram this bus super full…

of people you don’t know…

most don’t speak English…

several cold use a bath…

and a perfume spritz.

 

Me, two kids, grandma, and 6 new “friends”.

UGH.

All I want to do is get there.

 

The driver?

Is going on and on and on.

Endless banter.

Periodic tidbits of Miami trivia.

Certainly nothing I felt compelled to commit to memory.

 

But mostly…

 

Cat calls.

He rolled down his window.

And yelled lewd comments

At every woman

(regardless of how homely she was)

who passed by.

 

“ooohhhh chica chica”

“baby….baby…. ohhh….weeee…..ahhh”

“shake it baby…shake it”

“who is your daddy?”

“oohh…..I’d like to have me some of that”

 

Does this ever work?

Does he feel more manly?

 

And why?

Are the ones doing the cat calls…

The last soul on earth…

from whom you would want to receive a cat call.

Never a hottie…

Or even warmie.

 

And then …

Landon thinks it is funny…

And that this man is just so friendly.

 

“Mommy… he be so nice…to those ladies”

Ladies???

 

“Mommy?”

 

“What honey?”

 

“Can I opens my window too…

and talk to those ladies?”

 

“Ah… No you cannot”

 

Nice role model…

How much tip do you think he is getting?

 

And now I have to figure out how to keep Landon…

from hollering at hoochie mamas on the Miami strip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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