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Monthly Archives: October 2011

Tall One?

Our days are never boring here.

We are out of toilet paper.

Three girls.

No Toilet Paper

BAD BAD BAD

 

So quick trip to The Safeway

Southern people always add THE in front of the grocery store.

The Piggly Wiggly

The Winn Dixie

Hence

The Safeway

 

We pull up beside this car.

The man is pretty much reading the Sunday paper in the parking lot.

His significant other?

Also about 35…

Is going to town plucking her chin hairs.

 

Shit you not.

 

GOING TO TOWN

 

Plucking her chin.

 

Do you take your Tweezerman’s to The Safeway??

She is just

pluck

pluck

pluck

 

Landon asks?

“Mommy what she being doing?”

 

“well…

(under my breath)

“Pretty much assuring no nookie tonight.”

 HOW COMFORTABLE are you to pluck your chin hairs…

At the grocery store?

With your man right beside you?

I had to look away before she started biting her toenails.

 

And then:

 “Mommy?”

 

“what honey?”

I turn to see Landon flipping me off.

Twice.

She has pointed both her middle fingers…

at me!

 

“Mommy…

Do you know what this is?”

 

“Um…

I do.

Do you?”

 

“Oh yeah.

Mommy dis is tall one?”

 

“beg pardon?”

 

“tall one…

You know”

 

“Actually I do not know

Could you…

Could you?

Enlighten me?”

 

“MOM!”

Rolling her eyes.

I am a successful businesswoman…

But an entirely stupid Mother apparently.

 

“Mommy dis is tall one…

Like…

Where is tall one?

Where is tall one?

Like….

You know

Dumb King?”

 

What?

What is Dumb King?

?

 

“Honey?

Thumbkin?…

Is that what you mean?”

 

“Mom!…

Yes!

Dumb King”

 

“Oh!

Okay then.

Carry on.”

 

And I am relieved…

If but for a bit.

 And we trek in…

to The Safeway

For more adventures

In Toddlerville…

and TP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Potty, Shopping

 

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Mutiny on The Mommy

It snowed Tues.

Quite a bit for Oct…

Like 6 inches.

First snow of the season.

That means…

Seemingly possessed children.

Mine.

 

6:03 a.m. Tennyson has awakened.

Alert the media.

She wants sausage.

We comply.

 

As she works through her morning…

Poop

Eat

Pee

Eat

Poop

She notices the snow through the window.

“It snowing

“It snowing”

“Mommy look da snow!!”

 

Her excitement awakens her sister.

Landon

“it’s snowing”

“it’s snowing”

“IT IS SNOWING!!”

This?

I am aware of.

 

These children do not move quickly in the morning…

Except!

When there is snow.

 

They have their winter coats on.

We are not to leave for 25 minutes.

Then gloves.

Tenny has one glove are on her foot…

And one on her baby’s hand.

“We WANT A BUILD A SNOWMAN”

“Girls…

just hold on…

we need to get out the door and to school.”

 

Back in the bathroom…

Putting mascara on my left eye.

“MOM!”

“DAMNIT”

That was me.

Maybelline Great Lash

Streak on my cheek.

Brownish Black

Wiping it as I walk out to investigate.

 

“What is it?!”

“well…

Mommy…

We are just gonna…

Build a little bitty snowman…

Just real quick.

Otay?”

 

“No…

not otay Landon….

We have to go to school!”

“Well…

Mom… it be aw’right…

Tenny is already outside”

 

WHAT!

&%$#*@*&

 

Sprinting…

In my tank top and flannel pants.

SEXY!

 

Jump over the legos

Zig past the baby stroller

Zag around the pillow pet

Land on periwinkle crayon.

 

On our enclosed porch.

No Tennyson.

WHAT THE HELL?

 

But what I see are chairs…

Stacked.

by the door.

 My children?

(read as little turds)

Have climbed the stacked stairs

To take the chain off the door.

WTF

 

And out the window…

I see sandy curls.

Tennyson’s curls.

Not yet 3.

23 degrees and snowing.

 

“LANDON!”

“Mommy…

Now Mommy.”

“Tennyson wanted to go outside”

“So I hepped her open da door”

 

“well…

I?

am going to help you open it again little missy

“No Mommy…

She’s all wet and yucky…

I not lettin’ her in…

She be making a big a mess on da floor”

 

“So you would rather her freeze to death?”

“welllllll…”

As she tried to hide a faint smile.

 

I open the door

To find my pint size popsicle…

Clapping her hands…

Happy with snow

No shoes.

No coat.

No hat.

23 degrees reminding you.

Trying to eat the first snow…

Like Lucy…

Cept not the yellow snow.

Cuz well… you know.

 

And there we are…

7:43 a.m.

One frozen toddler.

One denying any wrong doing.

“I only hepping her see da snow”

No guilt WHATSOEVER.

 

And I?

Certain…

ONCE AGAIN…

We will be late to school.

 

And the teacher will look down her glasses

clearly purchased for guilt infliction

And say…

For the 2nd time this week.

“Is there a problem at home?”

 

“Yes… you know there is.

There was a mutiny on the Mommy.”

 
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Posted by on October 28, 2011 in Angels, Misbehaving, Snow

 

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Honesty.

Honestly?

Honesty…

Is NOT always the best policy.

Like?

When it has anything to do with the way I look.

 

But…

My children are nothing if not honest.

Except when it comes to owning up to bad behavior.

 

Case in point…

“Landon?”

“why is Tenny crying?”

“did you hit her?”

“Mommy?”

Canadian lift on the end.

 “She hit herself”

 Tenny is a masochist now I guess???

 

And at a playdate…

The Mom was so sweet.

She made a really nice lunch for the girls.

Complete with swiss chard.

I love swiss chard.

And my girls like broccoli, green beans, even cauliflower.

So it stands to reason that Swiss Chard would at least be palatable.

Well?

It was not.

 

Coaxing to complete the meal.

“Landon… you must finish at least some of the greens”

“Tenny you too”

 

Tenny…

Tries.

She bites.

She spits.

She cries.

“BLATT!”

 

Landon…

Not even trying to hide her distain…

“Mommy… day be so nasty…

Nasty!

BAD BAD Greens

Bad!”

 

The mother?

Sweet and quietly sitting.

“I love the honesty of a four year old”

 

Mortified I am.

How about no thank you.

or I don’t care for it.

Instead of spraying the greens across the table.

 

So…

When I got my hair cut recently…

I should have expected the complete truth.

 

I arrive to pick up the girls.

I have been talked in to bangs.

They are “all the rage”.

I did not know.

 

“You are going to look so chic.”

My stylist told me.

Or maybe she said like a freak…

It was very loud in the salon.

I look like this...cept for the acne.

 

 

These bangs?

Are the same ones I had when was 6

With a pixie.

OMG

OMG

OMG

They are like a blob dead center of my forehead.

 

The ONLY good thing?

Is that these are NOT my eyebrows…

AND?

They cover my lines.

Because?

Bangs are the new botox.

Did you know?

Me either.

 

I do not look like the girl in the magazine.

I look homeless.

 

I try a sleek ponytail with accompanying bangs.

Trying to keep my head down…

so no one will know it is me.

I walk in to get Landon.

Head still down.

EVERYONE IS TOTALLY LOOKING AT ME

I am 6 again…

With Mama’s pixie.

 

Landon runs to me and slows her pace as she nears.

 “MOMMY!”

“Did you…

Did you…

Get your hair cut?

 

“ I did…

Do you like it?”

 

“Is it going to stay like that?”

 

“well… for a while….

What do you think?”

 

“Mommy?

I don’t think that was a good choice”

Thank you for stepping on  the last shred of self esteem to which I was clinging.

 

“but Mommy…

Maybe it will grow rearrry fast”.

 

And there you have it…

Ego safely in Check.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 22, 2011 in Fashion, Hair, Makeup, Misbehaving

 

The Back End

I feel my life …

Or my posts…

At a minimum…

Could well be called…

Tales from the back end.

 

Because…

As a family…

We talk about pooping

a lot.

 

I never in my life thought I would discuss so much…

the natural processes

which occur in the bathroom.

Da poop and da pee pee

 

What is this fascination?

I don’t have boys.

I thought it was a boy thing.

 

It starts innocently enough.

 

“Mommy….

I blow bubbles with my butt”

 

Why?

 

“Landon…

We are eating”

 

“but Mommy…

You hear it?

I blowing more bubbles…

It tickles.

You wanna smell it?”

 

“I do not.”

 

And the day progresses.

 

“Moooommmm

Tenny pooped her pants.

Yuck…

Mommmmy fix it”

 

Then Tenny.

“I poopee!”

Happy, smiling…

As if she has just gotten a scholarship to Harvard.

 

But she has not…

She is merely proud that she has taken a crap.

Honestly…

There are days when I feel the same way.

 

Perhaps it is me.

Maybe I attract these people.

 

I had a friend once…

A girl.

She liked to pee in the shower.

And talk about it.

Laughing…

“you know, I really like to pee in the shower”.

Have another one Pam.

 

“I do…

I feel empowered”

 

By peeing?

 

“I just stand there…

And I say to myself…

I am standing…

And peeing…

In the shower.”

 HAHAHAHAHA

 

“Don’t you do that Kelly?’

And my boyfriend is sitting right there…

Like I would EVER admit to suck tacky behavior.

 

So this particular one is a real stinker.

 

And Landon has to see…

“I wants a see it Mommy.”

“Ohhh dat nasty…

Her butt is ugly Mommy.”

 Am I in the boys’ locker room in elementary school?

 

Tenny…

Commenting while I work the Mommy magic.

“Tenny poopy…

I poopeeeeeeee!”

 

Like I don’t know that!

She has just snapped this little ball to me…

And I am the quarterback.

 

Wriggling…

Wrenching her neck…

“Mommy…

I wants a see it”

 

“Tenny be still…

It’s an eight wiper”

 

“bu… Mommy… I wan a see it”

 

“Tenny Good Lord…

You aren’t giving birth…

What is it that you want to see?”

 

“My POOOPEEE!”

 

And so goes another glamorous snippet of my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2011 in Poop, Potty, Princess

 

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American?

We’re pondering Mama’s holiday travel plans now…

Where to go?

How long to stay?

Her aisle seat.

Aisle seat is a Big Damn Deal for Mama.

 

“Kelly Lynn?

Did you get me an aisle seat?

You know I have to have me an aisle seat.

I have the claustrophobia…

You know…

It is terrible…

I get all affright”

 

Mama needs a mint julep.

 

“Mom…

I will try…

I cannot guarantee…

I don’t know how full the plane is”

 

“Well why not?”

That is just awful…

Awful I tell ya…

That they would be so mean to an old lady”

 

What??

 

“Mom, I promise I will do the best I can”

 

“well…

I cannot…

I swainee…

I will not…

Sit in the middle…

I will fight someone Kelly…

I will.

Kelly Lynn?

Did ye hear me?”

 

OMG how is this my fault?  Like I run the damn airline.

 

“Mom!”

 

“Kelly I am serious… I cannot come if I don’t have an aisle seat…

I’ll just sit here and watch my Desperate Housewives reruns…

By myself…

On Christmas”

Seriously?

Best delivery of the guilt trip?

Goes to?

MAMA

 

But this planning makes me remember the best part of our trip to Miami.

 

The trip is over.

In the cab…

On the way to the airport.

Tired and happy.

Ready for my own bed.

Our cab driver is?

From out of town.

His name is Aashir.

We have a bit of a language barrier.

But not as bad as Mama’s.

 

Rounding the bend at the airport.

I say…

 

“sir… we are American”

 

“okay ma’am”

 

Mama chimes in:

“Kelly Lynn…

I reckon he knows that…

Don’t you think he can hear us talkin’?”

 

“Mom…

I meant our airline”

 

“Oh”

 

And honest to God…

That was the funniest moment of the entire trip.

I laughed until I slid down in the floorboard…

 

And Mama?

Just look bewildered…

And declared her daughter to be crazy and?

RUDE

 

Enjoy this…

I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in Southern, Travel, Traveling with kids

 

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Say Cheese!

The mornings around our house?

Anything but serene.

 

Dr. Oz had segment on recently

In which he recommended you get an alarm clock with a soothing alarm…

Not like:

 BONK BONK BONK  BAPPP BAPPP  BAPPP

But more like Pachelbel’s Canon

Which presents 2 challenges.

One…

Pachelbel’s Canon won’t wake me up.

I need the BONK BONK BONK

Two…

should I actually ever wake up to that peaceful music…

The serene sensation?

Will last about 20 seconds…

because…

 

“MOMMY!!”

“I needs you!”

“I poopee”

“I hungy…”

“I WANT a eat”

“I want sausages”

 

Tennyson has arisen.

I call her the Holy Tennyson…

let me tell you that girl is…

D E M A N D I N G

 

And when her sister arises…

44 minutes later…

The fun is only beginning.

“She has more cereal dan me”

“I wanted da pink bowl”

“I said gimme me dat”

“Mommy Tennyson hit me”

 

And so when I apply my Sandy Gold lid primer

Because they are playing together…

But for a minute.

I do not stand in the way.

 

Even if they are wearing bracelets on their ankles

 

But then I hear it.

My words…

Only my mouth is not moving.

“Tenny stop playing with all my jew’ry

I told you…

I has a camera…

Right dere.

It can see every’ting  you doing…

People?

That is my mantra…

“I have a camera”

I saw it ALL the time.

I have a camera…

In my bedroom…

On the porch…

By the couch.

The girls must think I got a really good deal at Mike’s Camera.

Or?

Am a double agent.

 

Now?

I am struck with the awareness…

That?

A) Landon does truly hear me… just chooses to routinely ignore me

And

B) she is on to my not so clever ruse.

 
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Posted by on October 9, 2011 in Food, Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Shar Pei

It is a Sunday.

Two days ago.

 

Tennyson is napping

Thank God!

Landon is coloring quietly in the basement with me.

 

While I do yoga.

This guy …Philip Urso

http://philipurso.libsyn.com/

He is awesome.

I am serious. If you have a decent knowledge of yoga…

Check him out at home.

 

I did the combination kick your ass vinyasa with yoga Nidra…

Nidra?

well…they walk you through this breathing exercise…

This and that chakra…

Breathe in and out…

Let it go.

You are R E L A X E D!!!

 

I begin to snore.

The kind where you can hear yourself…

So you are in a euphoric type of peace.

Not a suck the curtains up your nose snore…

But a snore.

Like the steady hum of an old car.

A snore.

Nonetheless.

 

“Mommy!”

DAMN NATION!

 

“See deez…

I ax’dent-lee got one in my hand” (read as accidentally)

And we begin to cry.

 

Deez?

 

Are vitamin D.

 

Which I keep on my desk…

 

So I will actually take them.

 

Which means she opened the bottle when she should not have.

 

“Mommy…one skirted on my neck.”

 

“My vitamin D pill?

How did it accidently squirt your neck?”

“Was there an explosion?”

 

“Well…

Yeah…

Yeah!

Dat is what happened.

Ax’shoe-y”  (read actually)

 

“But…

I be scared now…

So berry scared Mommy…

Cuz dat pill had stuff in it.

Like it was yucky.

And now it be all over my neck

And it going to make my neck all crumbly

Like yours?”

 

WHAT THE HELL???

Hand to God that is the truth.

 

Mommy... is that you?

 

Now…

I frequently feel like a human Shar Pei.

But my neck?

Honestly it is in pretty good shape.

So what the hell???

 

I would write more…

But I am going straight to Nordstroms

For a serious moisturizer…

No time to chat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2011 in Yoga

 

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