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Jezebel

20 Nov

It was Jimmy’s birthday

At school

And Jimmy’s mom…

Well?

She gave the kid’s a goodie bag.

Not really a goodie bag…

But a goodie thing.

And do you know what that WOMAN?

That Jezebel?

Gave them?

A Paint set!

WTF

 

I mean Jimmy is 5 now.

She has had 5 years to figure out…

you don’t give that shit to kids.

 

These paints?

Not watercolor

Not washable

Paints

Tempera paints

Made in China.

Even the instructions are in Chinese.

 

She gave 24 kids paints.

Which means?

48 parents who would like to have her killed.

 

My goodie bags…

Are delightful.

Kid friendly…

Parent friendly.

Washable crayons

Bubbles

Perhaps a glo stick

A small ball…

Too big to ingest.

 

Landon cannot wait

“Mommy can I paint?”

“Mommy can I paint?”

“Mommy can I paint?”

“Mommy can I paint?”

It is an annoying mantra.

 

“Not now” I say.

“It will be more fun tomorrow”

She is clear once again…

I am completely full of crap.

 

But I couldn’t handle the paint

And 24 hours is AGONIZING when you are 4.

It is as if they are screaming at you…

PAINT ME WITH

NOW!

OR ALL THE MONSTERS ON THE PLANET WILL EAT YOU!!

 

I was asked 14 times on the way to school…

11 on the way home

(took a shortcut home)

 

So…

We paint

And if the 4 year gets to paint?

Well the 2 year old must too.

 

And the colors are not even anything that might match our house –

Taupe

Brown

Black

Leopard print

Nothing pottery barn’esque

 

No they are vibrant

Cobalt blue

Sunny yellow

Radish Red

The color of blood…

Jimmy’s Mommy’s blood.

 

Which? Is now on

My table

My chair

 

And worst of all…

My lulu lemon athletic top

Athletic Deep V

The one with the boob enhancers

 

OMG OMG OMG

 

I am not sure I can go on…

 

But and So…

I have one happy 4 year old…

And me?

Pissed

Scrubbing with a variety of cleaning product combinations

Expecting they could ignite at any moment

 

And while I clean.

I ponder…

I plot…

Plan.

 

We have 55 days til our 5th birthday.

But I know what I am going to give out at Landon’s party…

Stampers with cute notepads

The non-stain kind

EXCEPT for Jimmy.

Oh no…

He is getting?

Finger Paints.

A full set.

Neon shades.

How’s that for a goodie bag?

Beech!

Are we clear Beech? No more paints.

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Posted by on November 20, 2011 in Painting, Parenthood, Parenting

 

Tags: , ,

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