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Monthly Archives: December 2011

The Return of the Laundress

We have been a bit busy around here…

what with the holidays and all.

 

And what a time we have had.

Mama’s here.

She arrived just before Christmas.

 

We have had much joy.

Much about which to laugh.

Much about which to write.

But?

One springs to front of mind.

 

Mama?

has been here 24 hours…

not even.

Mama is a laundress…

you may recall.

She can get any stain out…

no matter how long it has been in.

Nor what it is.

Trust me!

And you have to watch it…

because…

she’ll try to wash clothes…

right on your person.

 

“Kelly?

are you done with that?”

 

“with what Mom?”

 

“that sweater.”

 

“the one?

I am wearing?”

 

“Yes… that one”

 

“ummmm Mom?

I AM wearing it…

and?

It IS buttoned”

 

“well…

I need some more darks to fill up load”

 

“Okay…

can you wait until…

like I change my clothes?”

 

So…

after less than 24 hours

I am surprised…

to see Mama…

with two piles of laundry.

What could have happened?

Did she fall in the mud?

Doubtful with 3 inches of snow on the ground.

Was there a spaghetti explosion?

Did she vomit?

A LOT?

 

 

But there she stands…

pink washcloth.

Hand outstretched…

 

 

“I need to throw this in”

 

“Mama!

where the hell are all these clothes coming from?

seriously…

and what is up with this rag?

I mean you just got here”

 

“Well”

Mama said.

“I wiped my ass with this one…

and I don’t want to use it on my face.”

Touche’

“OH”

is all I can say.

as I poured in the Tide…

and filled up Mama’s scotch.

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL…

and?

let’s try to keep up with that washing ye hear?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Christmas, Misbehaving

 

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No Bull

Just when I think it can’t get any funnier…

it does.

 

My littlest princess…

is a handful of late.

She is mad…

you see.

When I don’t show up on time.

 

So…

we have some hitting issues.

which much be dealt with.

 

Much has been the conversation on this topic.

“it’s not nice”

“we love our friends”

etc.

etc.

etc.

 

But?

 

You cannot always reason with a toddler…

nor a female.

So a female toddler…

why don’t you just attempt a budget balance?

 

But last night on the ride home.

Landon took her sister’s hand.

And she said…

“Tenny…

I know you can do it…

I know you can be nice…

I gonna hep you.”

It was so sweet…

that I choked up a little.

 

And then Tenny told Landon

“I wuvs you Landon”

That?

is my favorite Tenny’ism.

 

So today as we head out…

to start our day…

mobile breakfast of peanut butter & jelly quesadillas…

and me with my tea.

 

Landon tells her sister:

“Tenny…

You has to be nice.

You can’t push your friends…

or hit or bite…

Dat is bull’ing.

So Tenny…

No Bull today…

otay?”

 

And that friends?

Is today’s mantra…

NO BULL!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 20, 2011 in Bullying, Cooking

 

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The Cocktail Christmas Tree

I am reposting this because?

It is Christmas.

And you may run out of innovative holiday decorating ideas?

Sandra Lee to the rescue!

Semi Homemade and all that.

And The Food Network lush.

 

Well…

I happened to catch her on the stair stepper this week.

Sandy…

She was making a fabulous Christmas meal…

 

And of course the accompanying tablescape.

That girl loves herself a tablescape.

And she is so matchy matchy

You know what I mean?

 

Like the table matches the cocktail

matches the food color

matches her clothes

matches the cocktail.

WOW!

 

 

 

And then the tree.

Sandy made a special Christmas tree.

The cocktail tree.

I am serious.

Totally serious.

The tree was decorated with cocktail glasses – ALL over it.

From top to bottom.

Even the nutcracker had his own special cocktail.

 

What?

What happened?

I mean what prompted this?

Was she just sitting around drinking?

Too intoxicated to get up and put her drink away.

So she threw it in the Christmas tree.

And Wham!

Sandy thinks well that is just a damn fine idea for a Christmas tree.

 

Because nothing says Happy Birthday Jesus…

like a cocktail Christmas tree.

 

Maybe next year we will take it back to the trailer park with a beer can tree.

Wahoo!!

I’t’s a must see.

It just is.

And if you have 500 wine glasses…

you can whip this tree up in nothing flat.

HICCUP!

HICCUP!

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2011 in Christmas, Cooking

 

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Santa Sucks!

Every year I go to a Christmas show.

Crafts and local wares…

Enough dips and sauces…

For every chip in North America.

 

Landon was happy this time.

Because she got to go

Kind of a big girl thing.

Tenny is happy too…

She gets one on one attention..

from the babysitter.

A win win.

 

Santa is there.

Landon wants to see him.

Well she does…

And then she doesn’t.

She does.

Then not so much.

This goes on for about 30 minutes.

 

I coax her over with the promise of Santa’s special candy canes

And the fact that he can get her the XMAS gifts she wants.

 

So…

We wait.

And wait.

In line.

She hops up in his lap..

A few Ho Ho Ho’s…

And…

“you be a good little girl for your Mama”

Which I appreciate.

 

We finish with the caramelized pecans…

And teriyaki bison jerky.

So not shitting you.

 

And on the way home.

She talks about Santa…

And…

What he is getting her for Christmas.

 

“What did you ask Santa for?”

 

“A CV DVD player”

 

?

?

?

 

“What honey?”

 

“A CV DVD player”

 

Now I am used to my daughter making up words.

You may recall in another blog she told me I was so “fundulating”

And last night…

When I was going to a Christmas party…

She said

“Wow… you look SO…

Amalzia”

That is Chinese Mom…

for fancy.”

Oh… who knew?

 

But I must clarify…

As?

I AM Santa…

around here.

 

“oh…

Um honey…

What is a CV DVD player”

 

“MOM!”

“It plays movies and music…

both of dem”

“oh…

honey…

I’m not sure there is anything like that…

You know those things either do movies or music…

Not both”

 

“MOM!!! No..

I asked Santa..

He said he knew I was a special girl…

And he was going to bring it to me”

That bastard!

 

Everyone knows that there is no such thing.

There are DVD players.

And there are CD players.

But?

Never the twain shall meet.

 

And now I?

have to go find one.

Or tape a CD player to a DVD player.

 

“Honey… I really don’t think there is such a thing

As a CV DVD player”

 

“Mom!

Didn’t you watch Rudolph?

And Santa Claus is Coming To Da Town?”

Didn’t you?”

Well…

I did…

but not all 17 times so far this season.

 

“Didn’t you seem all dem elves?”

Dey are going to make it for me…

Special…

Because I am so wondersful”

And modest… I might add.

 

“Well honey…”

 

And I just stop…

Because I know I cannot argue with Toddler Logic.

And 10 days later…

With a stroke of luck…

And perhaps the Grace of God…

I found one.

A CV DVD player.

At the Walmart

SO….

If you find yourself in need of a Barbie CV DVD player…

CV DVD Player

 

Check out walmart…

 

And that is one little headache…

 

you can put to bed

 
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Posted by on December 11, 2011 in Christmas

 

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Caught in The Act

There is an incident.

I hear the screams.

The screech.

Thump

Bump

?

 

I scurry to find Tennyson

Trapped

She is trapped in the hamper

My clothes hamper

She has put it over her head

It is down to her ankles

And she can’t get out.

 

I am baffled as to how this can happen…

And should not be.

 

But this does not compare…

To THE Incident at school.

 

Wednesday…

A snow day…

So…

I am a bit late.

 

I arrive…

The teacher is walking towards me…

Not a good sign.

I am used to it with Tenny.

Normally she hit someone.

Or they bit her…

Her karma I guess.

 

This time is it Landon.

 

“um…

There was an

Incident.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“well….

Yes…

Landon…

and a boy….

they…

um…

they were kissing…

Passionately.”

 

Beg pardon?

 

“what do you mean?

Passionately?”

 

Reminding myself…

And the congregation…

She is not yet 5.

 

“well…

They were kissing…

On the lips…

With their eyes closed.

For a long time.

30 seconds…

Maybe even 45.”

 

30 seconds of kissing?

This is the cause of the stern discussion.

Thank God!

 I had visions of behind the bleachers activity…

And felt a roll of nausea coming on.

 

“Oh

well…

I will address this at home.

Rest assured.”

 

I should have seen this coming you know.

I did catch her kissing our pilgrim…

Xavier.

He was 40% off at the Hobby Lobby.

He is 27 inches tall…

And our stand-in for all prince required functions:

Escort

Dance companion

Savior from the hungry dragon.

 

And I scurry Tennyson…

And her hoochie mama sister…

to the car.

 

Buckled and en route.

 

“Landon…

Is there anything you would like to share with me?”

 

“um…

You?

Um…

Look beautiful.”

 

Such a politician…

 

“something other than the obvious honey.”

I am a smart ass.

“Ms. Kristy said you were kissing a boy at school”

 

“Oh yea…

Dat…

We was kissing.

On da lips.

It was Finn.

He loves me.”

 

Where DOES she get this confidence?

 

“well that is not appropriate honey.

You do not kiss boys at school”

 

“Mommy!

All da princesses…

In all da movies…

Dey kiss dey husbands…

Dey do…

On da lips…

For a really long time”

 

Thank you Disney!

 

“Well?

You will not be doing that again.

Am I clear?

We do not live in a castle.

We live in a bungalow.

And our name is Not!

Kennedy.

That is only in the movies…

and you are a little girl.”

 

Pouting…

Fake crying…

A series of Sighs…

And gasping for air.

 

“Mommy!”

 

“how can I help you Landon?”

 

“I wants a get married”

 

“oh?”

 

“Yes…

I needs a get married

BECAUSE

I want to ride a horse…

And go to da ball…

And have a handsome Prince.”

 

And I chuckle to myself….

Thinking…

Don’t we all honey!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 5, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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