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Monthly Archives: January 2012

The Shit Prize

I?

Cooked poop today.

 

That?

Is not a reflection of my cooking ability.

Although there are times…

 

I washed poop.

Quite by accident.

Tenny is potty training.

And honestly?

We are there…

cept for that pesky pooping.

 

The girls are getting ready for school.

And by that I mean dragging every toy out and throwing it in the air.

 

Switching load #5 from the washer to the dryer.

Hmmm

What is that?

A marble?

How that did get in the washer?

You know I tell those girls all the time to take stuff out of their pockets.

I have one barrette, 2 lip glosses, 3 sticker sets and 47 jelly beans…

In my “washed” collection.

 

Round.

Brown.

Kind of shiny.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

Is this poop?

In my flippin’ washing machine.

It is!

It

Is

Poop!

I have washed poop.

Actually I have bleached poop.

Because it was the whites.

 

Grabbing the paper towel…

I snag the little sucker.

And I am just annoyed.

Annoyed that Tennyson is not able to poop in the potty yet.

Annoyed that I didn’t get all of poop out of her big girl panties.

JUST ANNOYED!

 

I give the washing machine tub a spin.

Just in case.

Like the Price is Right.

 

Only…

My prize is shit.

SHIT!

Ping

Ping

Ping

 

Little poop balls are firing around the washing tub.

So here I am

In my sweats

Half in

Half out

of the washing machine.

 

I hear the pad of little feet approach.

Tennyson approach’eth

 

“MOMMY!”

Which even though I know she is there…

Scares the crap out of me and makes me hit my head on the top of the washer.

“what is it?”

 

“Mommy?  What choo doin’?”

“I am cleaning poop out of the washer.”

 

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

 

“dat nasty!”

 

Yea…no kidding.

 

So I clean out the poop.

409 the washer

Run load #5 again as load #6…

on the 2 hour sanitize wash…

And get the kids to school.

All the while wondering…

why?

Me?

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2012 in Misbehaving, Poop, Potty, Uncategorized

 

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Yo Lady!

There are days…

when life is just funny.

You know?

Or maybe I am just…

punchy?

from lack of sleep…

and almost anything is funny.

 

On our way….

to the grocery store.

Two in tow.

I am already nervous.

Wishing I had added a little Baileys to my coffee.

 

“Mama?”

“Yes ma’am”

 

“Did you know…”

and here we go…

a riveting story is sure to follow.

 

“Mommy?

Did you know…

dat dere R dinosaurs under da ground…

AND!

If  you say…

Yo Yo Lady

dey will come out

And be with Jessie and Woody.

YO YO LADY

What?!

Why?

would yoddling?

resurrect a dinosaur and…

WHY?

Would he hang out with Jessie and Woody?

Don’t you think he would be cranky from having his nap disturbed…

and then eat them both?

I am not following her logic.

Is it me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chill Out!

It was not my finest Mommy moment.

I poured water on my kids’ heads.

R E L A X…

I didn’t drown them…

Just cooled them off..

 

But …

In my defense…

It was a day…

You know what I mean…

Just a helluva day.

And girls…

When in a group of two or more…

S C R E A M

They scream.

For no reason…

Other than that they can.

 

Mine are no exception.

 

At 6:00 p.m.

I can take no more.

 

In the bath.

 

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

 

The kind that makes you shake.

Honest to God…

I prayed for just one minute of quiet.

Moms?

You know what I mean.

 

I could take no more.

So I went to the kitchen.

And filled up a big cup.

With?

Cold water.

You thought I was going to say wine …. didn’t you?

From the fridge.

 

I walked calmly to the bathroom.

Both cherubs look at me?

Laughed!

And continue to scream!

After me asking them to stop…

Like 8 times.

 

So I leaned in.

Suggested they might need to make better choices.

Raised my arm…

And poured 24 ounces of cold water on their heads.

Seemed natural to me…

As their behavior was indicating they needed to cool off.

 

Well!

Let me tell you…

It was quiet.

Quiet!

And Landon…

Had  a?

conniption

Fit..

 

“Mommy…

Dat not nice…

Why you do dat…

Why you be so freezing us?”

“Mommy…

Dat was not an ax’dent…

Was it Mommy?

Was dat an ax’dent?”

 

Hell No!

Dat was not an ax’dent.

Tennyson?

Just could not believe it.

She just looked at me like:

“I cannot believe you did that?

We were only screaming at a level?

to cause permanent hearing loss…

to anyone within a 5 mile radius.”

 

But for a moment I could breathe…

Was I proud of that?

No.

Do I think I will hear from Dr. Spock ….

(and yes I know he would be calling from his grave… but go with me)

About adding my technique to his next edition.

I do not.

 

But do you know what happened?

Well…

 

“Mommy?”

 “Yes…”

 “can do dat again?”

 

What the hell?

They like it now???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2012 in Misbehaving, Toddler

 

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What the What??

Landon?

Has a friend

A boy….

Friend.

Joseph.

He is cute.

And?

Knows it.

His mom and dad…

very nice.

So when I was asked for a playdate…

Sure!

 

And then?

The father said:

“Joseph just loves Landon”

 

Why wouldn’t he?

“Yes”… Dad says.

“when we were on vacation,

he asked to use my phone

so he could check on his girlfriend Landon.”

 

HOW CUTE IS THAT??

 

He continues…

“Joseph told me…

when he grows up,

and moves out of the house,

he is going to move in with Landon…

and God is going to cut open her tummy

and put his baby in it.”

What the hell do you people watch on TV?

WTF

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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The Art of The TP

As a household of 3 girls…

We?

Use a lot of toilet paper.

A LOT!

 

Because you know…

It?

can be used for a multitude of things:

stool when appropriately placed beneath both feet

facilitates the reach of things to which you have no bid’ness gettng in to

ball of sorts to hurl at your tinker toy creation

material for a mock straightjacket

for our younger and more naive sister

pillow for the kitty

who will then leave because you have interrupted her esteemed repose

a diaper

for your baby doll

And of course…

to wipe your bottom

Which you rarely do as a 3 and 5 year old

And you NEVER flush the damn potty.

 

But?

I discovered last week…

Post return from a massive Target shopping extravaganza.

It is a also a decorating tool.

Oh yes.

Nate Berkus inspired.

You know he is always saying to use your vertical space.

“go up” he says…

especially in small spaces.

 

Well?

Landon helped me unload the groceries?

And she?

put away the toilet paper.

Like this!

26 rolls of TP stacked floor to ceiling.

26

About 4 1/2 feet high.

She was so proud.

Do you think this is what Nate had in mind?

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Misbehaving, Painting, Parenthood, Potty

 

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Why Mommy?

“Girls …

how was your day?”

 

“Brendon said his Daddy is moving out of dere house”

 

“Uh oh”

 

“I pee in da potty”

 

“Great job Tenny”

 

 “Naomi hates her Mommy’s brussel sprouts”

 

“I pee in da  toe’let.

da toe’let

da toe’let

da toe’let”

 

“Okay I get it Tennyson”

 

“Lizbeth has an uncle with a boyfriend.”

 

“Oh”

 

“And Mom?

I saw King Loser?”

 

What?

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Yep Mr. King Loser?

His picture is everywhere….

Mr. King Loser was a good man Mom…

He just wanted everyone to be so nice to everyones else.”

 

“Honey?

…do you mean Martin Luther King Jr.?”

“Yeah…dat is him.

And Mom!

Did you know…

Somebody killed Mr. King Loser…

Dead.

And Mrs. King Loser was so berry sad.”

 

“Landon…his name is Martin Luther King Jr.”

“Dat what I said.

Mommy?

And did you know dat mean man?

Dat killed Mr. King Loser?

He got a time out…

For a really long time?”

 

“Mom?

Why he do dat?

Why was he so mean to dat nice Mr. King Loser?”

 

“Oh honey…

I wish I knew.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2012 in Communicating with Children

 

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Lil’ Toot

Do you ever toot?

I know you do.

We all toot.

 

I normally have a good handle on this sort of thing?

 

BUT…

BUTT????

Hahahaha

Yesterday we had Wahoo Fish Tacos.

YUMMORAMA!

Well…

Everything they have has beans.

They are DIVINE.

But…

Butt!

 

This one particular time…

They did not “agree”

With Mama.

So Mama?

Had a little Gas.

Ooops!

I hear…

“OH MY GOSH!!!”

“PEEEE—UUUUU”

“Tenny…

Dat is jis terr’ble.

Mom…

Make her stop dat.

I gonna bees sick.”

“PEEEE-UUUUUU”

 

Fingers holding nose.

“MOM!!!

Make her stop DAT!!”

 

All the while I am quiet.

Well…

I was not saying anything.

My bottom however,

was not quiet.

And then?

I was laughing…

Crying…

Spitting…

Convulsing.

“Mom…

Dis is not so berry funny….

Tenny did a terr’ble stinky.

I needs a new room…

It is skusting.

(disgusting)

You needs to get her a new room…

I don’t want her to be in mines.”

 

I?

Said Nothing.

I?

Cannot…

Speak.

Shuffle to the door.

Spit

Cackle

Howl

I

Have

To

Get

Outside

Because

They

Will

Know

TWAS

I

Who

Did

The

Stinky.

 

I am sure this will catch up with me.

But?

For that day?

That one day.

I pulled a fast…

and stinky one.

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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