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Monthly Archives: February 2012

Emdopted

I have never lied to my girls.

They know they were adopted

Do they really “get” it?

Negatory

They don’t really get anything….

Unless?

It is pink

A toy

Or chocolate.

 

So the other day

I caught them…

With all their stuffed animals…

lined up…

one by one…

on Tenny’s bed.

 

Perplexed…

I asked?

 

“What are you guys doing?”

“Mom!

we are emdopting dees babies…

all dees baby animals”

 

So that left the door open.

To explain once again…

How we became a family.

 

I shared…

How they lived in a different country.

And how another really nice lady…

Actually had them in her tummy.

 

Which?

prompted Landon to ask…

“How we get in dere?”

 

And that?

I was not prepared to deal with…

a birds and bees discussion…

With a 3 and 5 year old…

Not just yet.

 

So I kept going…

Explaining that the lady couldn’t take care of them

So she asked God to find their Mommy.

And He picked me.

 

They are only half listening to me

Because?

The green puppy has lost his roller skate

And?

The orange monkey has fallen out of the crib…

On to his beanbag head.

 

I showed them my dance of joy

Upon getting the call…

that I would be their Mommy.

Which caused both of them to roll their eyes…

At my clear lack of “moves”

And rhythm of any sort.

 

I went through my trips to meet them…

and then bring them home.

That I brought them both presents.

And took a million pictures.

And how JuJu and Grandma Terri and Grandpa were SOOO happy.

How seriously cute are these two?

 

I am elated at my delivery.

It was magnificent.

Adoptive families all over the world…

Will seek me out…

for my expert communication skills.

 

I am met with Tennyson’s blank stare.

Who says “I wuvs you Mommy”

and takes Pooh for a timeout.

Landon?

Has stopped her emdoption work

With the 23 stuffed animals.

Looking at me with wide-eyed wonderment….

Surely feeling the luckiest and most special girl alive…

And says?

“Mom? That is da craziest ting…

 I ever heard.”

 

“What”

What is she talking about?!

I totally nailed that one…

I thought.

 
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Posted by on February 28, 2012 in Adoption, Misbehaving

 

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Preaching To The Choir

We have had some birthday activity around here.

Two to be exact…

within one month

Plus Christmas

That means?

There are toys

E V E R Y W H E R E

I mean everywhere.

It is ludicrous.

So I think a good rule of thumb is

You?

As the child.

Have to?

Pick up your shit.

Right?

Can I hear an amen?!

 

This has not been happening.

Sunday after stepping on a lite bright peg

Which made me see the white light of God.

I swear.

And putting Barbie’s unreasonably high pink pumps on

3 times

In 4 minutes

Followed by putting away the dress up clothes

For the 5th time since lunch.

I was done!

I went a little mommy ballistic

Swiping a toy from

Each toddler

Til the situation?

Was rectified.

 

I even tried the clean up song.

Which?

Is gay…

but works at school.

And?

Is not as…

gay as this one.

And!

Amy Adams is just adorable you have to admit.

 

It took a while

To pick up 58 puzzle pieces

73 crayons

And 97 washable markers.

 

Upon completion…

Landon lands on the couch

Feet in the air…

 “Mom?

I am so t’red…

It be so hard…

Jis picking up all my stuff.”

Are you kidding me?

Sista you are preaching to the choir.

But she?

Sat on the couch

Hand to brow

Heaving chest.

You would have thought I made her clean the kitchen floor…

With?

Her tongue.

 Sissy girl!

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2012 in Misbehaving

 

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Too Much

There are days…

Weeks really.

That just suck.

Days?

Weeks?

When being a Mom…

Being me…

Is not fun.

Not even a little bit.

Girl?? You is screwed!

 

We all know the blue screen…

On our computer.

It is not a good sign.

Like a pause when you ask your man:

“do these jeans make me look fat?”

 

 

 

The blue screen means your computer is?

Almost dead.

And mine did…

Die.

All of a sudden, I went to:

Start

All Programs

And?

The word “Empty” displayed.

It might as well have said

“You?

Are F’ed missy.”

And Support?

Was soooooooo helpful…

When I reviewed the situation by saying…

“Oh! That is not good.”

Seriously?

 

And then I am Mom’ing my…

Nearly potty trained 3 year old.

She has it down…

I swear she does.

But twice today

2 TIMES

Twice?

She pee’d in her big girl panties.

And while scooching them off of her wet behind…

With the accompanying plastic pants…

I was sprayed with pee pee

In the face.

MY FACE!

My Bobbi Brown face!

WTF

 

Icing the cake that is my life.

This same 3 year old?

Used the tie to my cashmere hoodie…

The Cashmere tie…

To floss the cat’s butt

 

So?

I screamed my bloody head off.

And then?

I had a moment on the floor.

Head in my hands.

When I could take no more.

JUST NO MORE

 

I hear a tip toe…

The slide of bare feet…

On hardwood floor.

And she says…

My Tenny…

“Mommy I loves you in da morning”

And that?

Seemed to make it a little better

Perhaps a silver lining…

Well not really silver…

Maybe ash.

My computer?

Got restored.

Kind of ….

I am just missing all file folders from A to Ro.

Rp to Z?

we are GOLDEN

Oh well…

Tomorrow

Is another day

Full of intrigue and surprises.

I am?

a’scared.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Poop, Potty

 

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New Yob

I have a new position.

I am getting promoted.

Yay Mama!

 

Mama is Very Excited.

 

Mama is going shopping.

 

Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

 

Mama needs to simmer down.

 

 

Mama told the girls.

“Mommy has a new job girls”

Landon….

            “You mean you gonna do more yoga”

I am not sure who that child thinks pays for all her hair ties and dress up.

 

Tennyson…

            “New yob

yob

yob

yob

What a yob?”

 

 

“No I will not being doing more yoga…

Well maybe I will.

Anywho…

A new yob is how Mommy makes money…

Contributes to the world.

Spends her time.

Talks with grown-ups…

you know?”

 

They?

do not! know.

do not! care.

 

“I have a new job…

I have a lot to take care of…

things to do…

New responsibilities”

 

WAAAA!!

WAAAAAAA!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

Landon is having a conniption fit.

“Mommy NO!!!”

 

“honey…

WHAT

Is it?”

 

“I don’t wants you to has a new job.

I wants you to still be my Mommy”

 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2012 in Yoga

 

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Locks

While watching the Grammies Sunday, Landon got a glimpse of one of the acts

The Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl

 

Oh My

And quiet for the first time in the entire day..

She said.

“Mommy is that what happens when you don’t brush your hair?

Like you always be telling me?”

 

And I ?

Seeing my opportunity

Said?

“Yes it is.”

And turned away…

because?

it wasn’t really a white lie.

I

Myself?

Said…

“What the hell?”

When I saw him.

 

A shuffle…

A scurry…

And she was gone.

 

Assuming she has discovered yet another way to postpone her slumber,

I find her

In the bathroom

Brushing her hair…

With fervor.

And vow…

to keep Tennyson up next time too..

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Music

 

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Observations … from the tub

The girls are in bed.

FINALLY

And!

Heaven!!

 

One of my favorite things!

Is a hot bath…

SCALDING

Steam rising.

As I breathe in the calm…

And allow them stress of the day to dissolve.

 

…but then!

“MOM!”

“WHAT!”

“Oh…dere you are.

What are you doing?”

 

This seems relatively obvious to me…

As I am naked in the tub.

“planning my next vacation…

A L O N E”

I mumble.

 

“Mommy what is dat?

Is dat your butt?”

“Bottom honey… and yes it is.”

 

“No!

On it?

dose tings.”

Sweet Lord above!

“It is Cellulite”

 

“Well, how did it get back dere?”

why you has it back dere?”

 

As if this were a choice.

“Because life is not fair.”

 

“Mommy?

What’s dat?”

“What honey!”

 

“Dose”

“Oh…

Breasts…

Mommy’s breasts”

they tell you…

in Mommy school…

a.k.a.  the internet

to use the correct anatomical name

for body parts

not ta ta’s or bazoongas

 

“Oh…

Mines don’t look like dat”

“They will…

Give it time.

Gravity is not your friend.”

 

“Mommy!

You has an oui.”

“Where?”

 

“Right dere…

What happened?”

“Oh that.”

 

She has found my one varicose vein…

On my ankle.

I am pretty happy to only have one frankly.

“It is a broken vein”

 

“oh… can you fix it?

I think it is kind a gross.”

 sure…give me some super glue

 

Seriously child?

 

“Mommy?

Are you so relaxing?

In da tub.”

 

 

 

She?

Has pointed out every single one of my flaws.

Hell NO!

I am not relaxed.

In fact I think I might stroke out.

 

“Mommy…

I just gonna sits here and watch you…

I relax with you”

 

… and in the background I hear

“MOMMMYYY I poopy”

 Tennyson has awoken from her slumber…

To?

Crap

 

And I?

Put my head under water…

And pray for daylight.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2012 in Poop, Potty, Uncategorized

 

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7A

I took a business trip recently.

It was divine.

And by divine?

I mean there were no children.

 

I was in the bulkhead…

Which means a little extra space.

For me…

Just me.

 

I close my eyes…

It is calm…

Even with the strangers passing by….

And the periodic bump of an errant bag or briefcase.

I start to doze.

I am so happy.

 

“Excuse me”

“EXCUSE ME”

“EXCUSE ME”

 

She cannot be talking to me.

CANNOT

CAN

NOT

BE

TALKING

TO

ME!

 

I am asleep.

I crack an eye…

And glance to my left.

 

“does your bunion bother you?”

 

WHAT?

WTF!

Swear!

Swear to God

She?

Said that to me.

A Total Stranger.

STRANGER!

While I was freakin’

A S L E E P

 

How could she disturb me?... look how pretty I am.

 

I am astounded

I cannot speak.

So she?

Does.

 “You know…

I had that surgery…

It took me 6 months to stand on my tip toes…

I had it on on December 29th

And I don’t even remember New Year’s.

Mine was so painful…

I had to have my husband…”

Blah Blah Blah

 

What!?

 

I do not care about her foot issues.

But I am considering a request to move to 1st class…

on the grounds of harrassment.

 

And why?

is she looking at my feet.

 

Yes…

I do have a bunion

And it is not tiny…

But I mean you can’t..like… park a truck on it.

And folks!

My shoes were on.

I wasn’t dangling my feet in the aisle

like a redneck.

You could not see any of my foot imperfections…

Unless you?

Are a foot freak.

 

Whatever!

Crazy Lady

With INAPPROPRIATE boundaries.

 

And then?

I order a wine.

I hardly open my eyes.

 

But when I finally do…

Foot Fetish in 7A?

Is cutting me a look.

A look of condemnation.

Judging me for a little slice of bliss…

 

So I?

Slurped it.

LOUD.

LOUDLY.

 

Causing a quick head snap in my direction.

It?

Was funny.

So much so I laughed out loud.

While I thought to myself…

She?

Should get a magazine.

Or check out 8C…

I think that chick.

Has a bunion

Corns

And a  hammer toe.

 

I wish you non-intrusive travels!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 5, 2012 in Travel

 

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