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Monthly Archives: March 2012

Crazy Hat Day

Has this ever happened to you?

“Mommy I need some cupcakes for school.”

“Ok sure honey… when do you need them?”

“In da morning.”

“WHAT?!”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I didn’t needs dem then”

“oh”

Well.

We get home from school.

I heat the leftover mac & cheese.

And prepare another gourmet meal.

“Mommy?”

“Yes”

“Tomorrow is crazy hat day at school.”

Why?

Really why?

Is this necessary for her overall educational development?

We have crazy hat day,

Backwards day,

Pajama day

Dr. Seuss birthday celebration day,

Toy that starts with G day…

ACCKK!

“okay, can you wear that baseball cap?”

“MOM!!!”

“it has to be crazy… not like dat”

We?

do not have crazy hats.

We have?

Winter hats

Cowboy Hats

Baseball caps

and Tiaras

What in the heck am I to do?

Landon rounding the corner.

“I likes dis one.”

It my signature black cap that reads…

“Got Wine?”

Hell no!

What would I wear Monday through Friday?

“No honey… you can’t have that.”

“BUT MOM!!!!

What will I wear?

It has to be crazy”

Can you put me on your head  – I am thinking?  I am certainly crazy

“Just go to bed…

I’ll figure it out”

Right after world peace…

And the ridiculous way Donald Trump wears his hair.

I dig through my closet,

The craft box,

The toy chest.

I have a pile of junk…

Holiday bows…

And an old witch hat.

I commence to creating.

 

The finished product:

Complete with a fake fruit from the kids’ kitchen,

Wrinkly silver bows,

A cat toy,

And a rogue ping pong ball.

 

I am just about done with my masterpiece when?

“MOM!?”

 

DAMNIT.

 

The glue gun went awry…

Presenting a layer of glue….

Across my fingers.

OMG

OMG

OMG

 … That hurt.

Seriously …after two hours,

I still couldn’t feel my fingers.

That is likely because the top three layers of  skin…

Are now gone.

And?

There is a large glue glob…

On my Pottery Barn table.

Which?

When removed?

Has left a 2 ¼ inch mark where the black paint

Once was.

And tomorrow friends?

Is Mommy is pissed day.

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Posted by on March 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Bun

We are taking ballet now.

Landon…

that is to say.

 

I bought the ballet costume this weekend.

And she?

Is JUST BESIDE HERSELF

Cannot take her eyes off of herself.

Danced til she could dance no more.

 

But what I have told Ms. Landon is…

Ballerinas?

Mind their mamas…

Go to bed on time…

And do not have stringy hair.

True?

Yes…

it is.

 

I have told her…

“you have to have your hair back…

In a ponytail…

or a bun…

Or you can’t do ballet”

It?

Is the ballet teacher’s rule.

I LOVE her.

Wish every day was Monday.

 

Because?

most days Landon fixes her own hair.

Which involves brushing it over her eyes.

And that is about all.

I still have some control…

over Tennyson’s curly locks…

That will change soon,

when I can no longer hold her down.

 

So last night,

When Landon asked me…

For some’ting to eat…

for the third time,

Had to “go potty”…

for the fourth time,

and was busted for sneaking books and a flashlight under the covers.

I?

Was annoyed.

 

I mean I just dropped 50 bucks on a pink tutu and accessories.

Is a little obedience too much to ask for?

 

And also?

I was recalling the joint effort of my children…

To break my new luggage…

While using it as a means of transportation.

As is evidenced above.

 

I?

Was not happy…

when I went to bed.

 

The morning comes and it is time to get going.

Tennyson has been up since 5:45 eating her soy sausages

she eats them every morning…

Wakes up saying “I hungy” and “sausage”

Not “good morning my sweet mother”

I was ready for the normal delays…

And drama.

I call for the ballerina to arise.

Once

Twice

Ready for my third attempt…

But up she hops

And finds me in the bathroom…

 

She said:

“Mama,

Can you put my hair…

In a hot dog bun…

For ballet?”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

 

I laughed so violently that I inhaled a bit of Tom’s Wintermint toothpaste.

Which?

Is an eye opening experience, let me tell you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2012 in Dancing, Toddler

 

Going to JuJu’s

Late afternoon on a Saturday.

I have declined the repeated pleas for?

More TV…

And a bunny rabbit.

 

I am wiping down the bathroom sink.

 

I feel the eyes of condemnation upon me.

They are my Landon.

5 and full of herself.

 

But now…

She is clad in all her dress up

I mean just about the entire trunk of dress up.

Blue dress

Matching elbow length gloves

Silver glitter pumps

5 bracelets on the right

3 on the left

Her pocketbook

Full of marbles

And princess dominoes

…because you just never know what you will need

White chunky pearl necklace

Think Barbara Bush

As a toddler.

 

“Mommy…

I leaving”

 

“You are”

 

“Yes!

I leaving…

I’m done wit dis”

 

“Okay…

And where might you be going?”

 

“I am going to Grandma JuJu’s…

She says she has a house in abalama…

And they has nice beaches dere”

 

“and Mommy?”

 

“Yes”

 

“JuJu loves me…

And she will gives me what I want.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

And not to be outdone.

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

 

Tennyson arriving…

Wearing my size 8 ½ Steve Madden wooden clogs….

And a snow white costume.

 

It sounds?

like a Great Dane….

Is Riverdancing in my house.

 

“and where are you going little Miss?”

 

“wit Landon”

 

Pivot…

Turn…

March…

They go.

 

I am waiting…

Will they actually attempt to open the door?

 

Sneaking a peek.

 

ACCKKK…

Here they come…

Back to wiping the counter.

 

“We needs a get a snack…

For our long walk”

 

Down they sit…

Happy with their yogurt and sprinkles…

Forgetting all about their trip to Grandma JuJu’s

And leaving me to finish the bathroom.

And the yogurt mess they are now making.

They giggle…

and enjoy being little.

And I?

Enjoy watching it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Dress Up, Parenthood, Parenting, Princess

 

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No!

I remember watching women…

With their children.

In the mall.

At the market.

Getting a coffee.

Hearing

“No”

“No”

“No.”

 

I wondered.

Pondered.

Is that all they can say?

Why aren’t they enjoying motherhood?

Aren’t they happy?

 

I?

Would do this so much better.

You see.

 

Well?

Today…

Went like this?

 

 

“Mommy…

Can I have ice cream for breakfast?”

 

 “No”

 

“Mommy…

Can I paint my dolls face with you spensive lip gloss?”

 

“No”

 

“Mommy?

Will you get me a pony?”

 

“No”

 

“Mommy…

Can you find me a hands sum prince?”

 

“No”

Mommy gets a handsome prince first…

Lets be clear about that.

 

“Mommy…

Can you walks away from me…

Your mouth is tinky.”

 

“No”

What the hell?

 

“Mommy?

Can I have a sleepover at Roman’s?’

 

“NO!”

 

“Mommy?”

 

“No!

Whatever it is that you want…

Need?

Or are thinking about?

 

“NO”

“NO”

“NO”

 

“I jis wans a gives you a kiss Mommy”

 

I AM HORRIBLE!

 

So to all you Moms I judged…

I AM SO DAMN SORRY…

SAVE ME!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 10, 2012 in Bedtime, Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Bump Bed

I need to get my girls a new bed.

Probably a bunk bed.

Because?

They share a room.

And it is tiny.

So I have been marketing the new bed…

to the buyers…

a.k.a…

my kids.

Like it is a big deal…

“You girls are getting so big.

Mommy is so proud of you”…

sort of thing.

 

Well…

I have been super busy.

Busy like?

I cannot breathe…

with my new job.

Busy!

 

And Landon keeps asking me

“did you get my new bed today?”

Like I just sit around all day…

Shopping at Pottery Barn Kids

Online.

 

Last night…

As I am forcing her to go to bed.

Her hesitation…

And overall…

Lack of cooperation.

Is due?

She says.

To the fact that…

“her bed…jis not so comf’ble”

And?

“it is all your fault Mommy”

What the??

 

I am leaving the room…

For the 4th time

And she says…

“Mom…

I really needs you to gets me dat bed…

Da bump bed”

?

 

“What honey?”

“Yeah… I know it bees so high Mommy…

But I promise not to bumps my head…

on da sea-land”

How CUTE is that?!

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 6, 2012 in Bedtime, Misbehaving

 

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