RSS

Monthly Archives: May 2012

Da King

I?

Do not eat a lot of candy.

But?

My daughter had some milk duds.

So she shared one with me.

We?

Encourage sharing.

Except for germs

And my lip gloss.

 

It was so yummy. 

Brought me back to my childhood

And my husky jeans.

Mmmmm

Mmmmm

Crunch

 

Oh!

 

They have nuts in them now.

I had no idea.

 

And then?

There was pain.

OMG

Pain!

Because?

Twas not a nut

But my crown.

The one now in my hand.

 

Landon?

 Is beside herself.

“MOMMY!

Da toothfairy is gonna comes and gives a present.”

 

Yes a big fat dental bill.

 

“well honey”

I explain…

“this is actually a crown”

 

“why do you have a crown Mommy?

It doesn’t look like a crown to me Mommy.”

 

How do you explain poor dental hygiene to a 5 year old?

 

I cannot believe this.

One little caramelly indiscretion!

DAMNIT!

 

I cannot deal with all of this

And retire early.

 

I awaken to squeals…

“what did you gets from da toothfairy?”

 

Landon is devastated when she lifts my pillow to find?

No coins

Dollars

Or toy of any sort.

 

She asks 

“Mommy…What did you do with your King?”

 

….ah he has …like…left the building.

 

She stands there…

Staring at my mouth.

Looking for my “king”

And I had a wonderful chuckle the entire day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: , , , ,

The Imbecile

I like good manners

In kids

And they?

Are  rare.

I like

Please

Thank you

Sir

Ma’am

Etc.

 

Perhaps it is my Southern upbringing

Or my experience working at Toys R Us

But I like me some manners.

 

Which is why I hammer the girls about proper manners

And most of the time…

They are good.

 

But?

 

Wednesday morning…

Landon is putz’ing

She?

Is a professional putzer.

I call her 3 times to put on her shoes.

 

I raise my voice on the third request…

“LANDON”

Her response …

“WHAT!”

Oh no she di’int…

 

“Is that how do you speak to me?”

The rolling of the eyes has started.

I am an imbecile

To the third power.

SIGH

HIP POP

HANDS TO GOD IN DESPAIR

And then she says:

“WHAT….

Ma’am”

 

 

OMG that little stinker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Trippin’

Recently I took the girls on a trip

Me for business.

Them?

For annoyance.

It?

Was  a

L

O

N

G

Trip

We boarded the plane and are seated

Safe and secure in our private row

I am trying to satisfy Tennyson’s growing hunger

With a variety of tasty treats.

“Um Mom…”

It is the man in front of me.

Is he talking to me?”

“Um…there is a lot of kicking going on back there…

Can you help me out a little bit and see if she can stop doing that?”

UGH

I explain how that man was so nice to ask us like that

And we need to respect his seat…

and not kick it like a crazy person.

And also that he has two brothers

the Easter Bunny

and

Santa Claus…

And we do NOT want him to make that call…

now do we?

 

The captain comes on to tell us there is….

“a minor issue”

And that?

“we should be under way soon”

Which takes me to a place somewhere between irritation

And TERROR

Because if it is truly so minor?

Why are you telling us.

Or?

do you just need a couple of extra minutes

to finish your Caramel Machhiato?

I encourage the girls to look at the interesting sites outside the plane

while we wait.

Men in orange shirts.

Not interesting.

Grass

Also not intriguing.

Planes?

That is interesting.

“Why don’t you girls count the planes you see?”

Landon:

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…

THIRTEEN.I see thirteen”

 

“Great job honey  Tenny how about you?”

Tenny:

“One, two, tree, foh, five, seven, eleventeen, eight, twelve! Twelve airpanes!”

 

This is the funniest damn thing the three rows around us,,,

have ever heard…

And they all hear it because?

We are still holding for our non-issue.

 

The man behind us is flirting with my girls.

A welcome diversion.

Very nice…

And?

A redneck.

Scruffy hair

Untucked shirt

And has not seen a razor in a month of Sundays.

 

Landon is now standing in the seat.

And He?

Smiles

A toothless smile.

I know it is coming but cannot put my hand over her mouth…

Before?

it escapes.

“Oh… did you already lose a tooth?”

OMG

Landon is all about the tooth fairy now,

Because she knows she will soon receive a present from the little sprite.

I try not to stare at the gaping hole in his mouth…

“Oh sir…I am SO SORRY”

 

The redneck is so nice….

“Don’t worry about it…

kids don’t mean anything…

they just call is like they see it.”

 

And then?

People…

He gave my daughter…

a 5 year old…

his IPHONE to play with.

Brand new.

This man?

Who cannot afford a razor,

Nor dental care apparently.

Has a brand new IPHONE.

 

Hmmm!

Landon?

Wants to marry him now.

GREAT!

we’ll have the reception at the KFC.

 

 

……………more on our travel adventures later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , ,