RSS

Monthly Archives: July 2012

Swoosh #2

I am reposting this one… in light of my recent trip and bathroom fun.

 

Recently while traveling, I had to pee.

With my bladder…

that really is not a revelation…

more like an up to the minute report.

 

But….

I got off the flight…

AND HAD TO PEE

Because I had been holding it.

You know…

as soon as they tell you to sit down – we are landing…

it is like someone

a mean leprechaun perhaps

is inside you just shoving the wee down.

Am I right?

 

So exiting the airplane at breakneck speed…

I find the first potty and go in.

 

Everything is automatic now…

It is as if someone thinks we are all hand amputees.

So you want to line the sucker (the germ infested toilet seat)…

because God only knows who has had their ass on it.

 

Okay first hang your purse on the hook

(cause there is some new disease from Africa percolating on the floor…)

 

Pull out the toilet liner and lay it flat on the seat…

Okay unzip your britches…

DAMNIT

The flush sensor went off….

NO….

my liner!

It is swirling down the toilet now….

I HATE THAT SENSOR!

 

Seriously the last thing in the world I need automated … is the flusher…

Automatic door …

No problem…

Automatic water…

Thank you…

But the flusher…

COME ON

 

I mean seriously if you want to automate something…

how bout the gas pump.

I would like it to sense my arrival….

gracefully and unassisted travel to my gas cap….

Which it removes with plastic gloves to deposit no more germs…

Fill it up to the exact right level…

With not a drop of overflow…

Then top it off with a quick dust of the cap cover…

Finishing with a Evian spitz to my face.

 Now…

THAT is worthy of automation…

            And…

applause.

 

Okay fine, we will try again.

Pull out the seat liner…

Last one – be careful…

Perfectly in place…

Cautiously unzipping pants…

Stay out of automatic flush sensor line…

 

SWWOOOOSHHHHH

DAMNIT AGAIN

STOP!

 

Trying to grab…

but…

the …

undertow…

is pulling…

it down…

The sensor must have caught my reflection.

DAMNIT   DAMNIT    DAMNIT

 

And that was the last freakin’ liner.

Okay fine!

 

I will do like those crazy campers do…

I will squat.

I have strong legs; I have done it before.

Squatting ….

Ready to go…

(really no issue here… I have been preparing to pee for like 11 minutes now…)

HALLELUJAH

I do love to Pee!

Just about done here…

Quads are beginning to shake.

 

 SWOOOSH…

 SHUT UP!!!

I MOVED….

 I cannot believe it….

 I moved while trying to stabilize my pee’ing body…

just one teensy weensy centimeter

 

 SWOOOOOSH      SWOOOOOSH

My ass is now being sprayed with airport water and my own PEE

 ACKKKKKKK   ACCKKKKKK   ACCCCKKKKK

 

I am just not a fan of anyone but me washing my ass.

And I swear…

I just know…

that some man is behind this design.

No woman would EVER create such a lame design….

And I also know….

that this same guy is watching me…

through a peephole in the ceiling…

laughing his ass off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

An Involuntary Cleanse

Yes… it has been a while.

We have been busy… SO BUSY.

So I have not been the best about writing.

 

But…

 

I took a little vacation recently..

And it came to me..

There IS a natural flow to things.

What goes up must come down

What goes in must come out sort of thing…

It is karma.

 

I say this in direct correlation to the process of elimination.

By that I mean poop.

Yes Poop.

I said Poop.

 

See?

 

My vacation was at a spa.

THE spa.

I go every year.

It is my nirvana.

Miraval.

It is to die for.

Ask Oprah.

OM

It is so calm there.

Not like me.

Not like my kids.

Not like my life.

 

So many wonderful things about the spa..

Perhaps my favorite?

The food.

YUMMERS

 

The food?

All cooked to perfection

The finest…

And freshest herbs.

Smoothie bar always open.

 

Green Drinks…

All the rage.

Well…

 

I will just say this.

When you have the 8 greens drink?

Asparagus

Spinach

Green apples

Celery

Kale

Cucumbers

Lime

Grapes

 

Things will…

“move’

rather quickly.

 

You?

Will poop.

A LOT

 

So lets just say…

I had an involuntary cleanse.

At the spa.

And?

I feel very sorry for Marty.

This morning’s massage therapist.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 17, 2012 in Travel

 

Tags: , , ,