Monthly Archives: December 2012

Holiday Greetings

In the spirit of holiday tidings,

I am posting our holiday card to share.  If you already got one of these in the mail,

you are likely my father,

or we are just really tight.

Regardless, as of right now, you have survived Christmas…

lets hope the rest of the week is just as grand!

The holiday note is “written” by my almost 6 year old…

well kind of…


The Three Stooges

The Three Stooges

Hello Everyone.  It’s me again – Landon bringing you holiday cheer from da Ozley family.  Tennyson wanted to write da letter dis year.  I told her No.

       We have had a busy year.  We went to Pittsburgh in April and then to Atlanta in May.  Me and Tenny has so much fun.  Mommy pretty much had a nervous breakdown both times.    The last trip, our seats was not together.  Mommy asked dem so nicely to fix it… dat lady at the counter was not in a happy place.

Tenny and me was a’post to be in one row and Mommy was in da next one by da window.   When the old man came to Mommy saying she was in his seat, she said she would move but he had to sit by Tennyson.  He threw his hands up in da air and switched seats.  As soon as da airplane lady walked by we heard him order two gins and tonic.

Tenny fell and knocked her tooth in to da roof of her mouth.  It was gross.  It never would come down like the dentist said it would, so she had to have surgery…in da hospital.  She was so brave.  I was not.  I cried.  I was afraid I would get a poke in my bottom.  She did so good and when she woke up da first thing she said was “I didn’t get my breafuss”.

Mommy has a new job.  She got a pa-motion.  She sells security, so part of her job is to tell us not to talk to strangers.

I am in kindergarten now.  Mommy says I think I am it on a stick.  That makes no sense to me.  I tell her “Whatever.”  Tenny does too.   Then we roll our eyes at her.  She gets so upset … sometimes her drink comes out her nose.  She says “don’t you EVEN roll your eyes at me, I invented that.”  Whatever Mom!

I told Mommy dat I don’t do flowers anymore and dat my favorite color is black.  She said “come again … what am I to do with that virtual flower garden in your closet.”  I don’t think I am a’post to answer dat question.

For Thanksgiving we went to da mountains with Grandma Ju Ju.  Me and Tenny wants to live dere forever.  Did you know you can sit in da hot tub and watch people ski?  They have a spa that does not allow kids.  I don’t like dat part.  Mommy said dat is her favorite part.

They has S’mores every night.  Could you just die!  The last night we were dere they had Santa and Mrs. Claus and 2 reindeers.  Then!!  They had hot chocolates from all over da world, then the smores, then Christmas cookie decorating, all in da same night!  Dere was a lot of sugar!!  Mommy said to Grandma “what the hell were they thinking?”

We could not find a place to eat so Mommy took us to a grown up bar and we sat on high up stools.  It was awesome.  I was so close to da beer dat I put my finger out and caught the drip, until Mommy saw me.  Da man next to me gave me a High 5.  Mommy put her head in her hands.

We wish you all EVERYTHING bright and beautiful… because we LOVE you.

Me, Tennyson, and of course… my Mommy.

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Posted by on December 25, 2012 in Uncategorized


The Ad

At Christmas time, more than others, I am stressed.

And a little more “screamy” than normal.

Any mom can relate.

Way too much sugar in the house.

Things I would never buy,

Nor make.

Create a more…


So my quiet time…

And trust me it is a stretch to categorize it that way,

Is a trip to the potty.

I shut the door

Assume the position,

and count…

1 second

2 seconds

3 seconds

4 seconds..


Opening abruptly,

In walks #1.

She has just finished the cookies we made as a family.



Am covered in flour and sugar,



She says:


You is da best mommy in da whole world”



Am flattered

Pants at my ankles.


And then:

“Oh and Mom?

You’re still working on that getting us a Dad thing right?”



I am trying to PEE here.


I tell her

“yeah honey…

I put an ad in the paper.”


Now what would that ad look like?






for a man,

to act as:

general handyman

Christmas light hanger

Christmas light taker downer

investigator of scary noises

disciplinarian (when I am too tired)

carrier of all cat poop, trash, and recyclables

toter of the groceries

mouse catcher


“pleasure” provider  (there has to be just one thing for Mommy only right?)



And beside the ad, this photo…

a guide as to respondent caliber:

Apply here

Honey I’m home!



Oh yeah…

This is so happening!

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Posted by on December 20, 2012 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Poop, Potty



You can imagine,

my pride,

When my daughter,




And with good posture…



My butt blows bubbles

And they smell like eggs.”

landon fart

And she?

Thinks that



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Posted by on December 10, 2012 in Uncategorized


Toots & Scout

My favorite invention…

Next to red wine

And the hair pick.


I love me a pick.

And I know …

I am the only person in my zip code

With one


It is just the perfect tool…

for the perfect amount of hair bouffiness,



The Elf On the Shelf

Scout... our gay elf.

Scout… our gay elf.


Is friggin’ genius.


And we?

Have 2.

One for each kiddo.

It really is fun to watch them,

hop out of bed…

and run to find where they are hiding

Unless of course,

I forgot…

Or had too much wine,

And just did not move them.



I caught Landon yesterday,

Perched beneath Toots, our 2nd elf…

Hands in prayer position.



I really needs some coins…


I like da shiny ones

And some of da paper money…

Dat always spits out of dat machine at Mommy.

I has been extra spectacular this year.


And Toots…

I also need



she is not even 6.

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Posted by on December 3, 2012 in Christmas, Misbehaving, Painting, Parenthood