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Monthly Archives: July 2013

Straight Shooter

You know kids?

They shoot straight…

Painfully straight.

 

“Mommy, when am I going to have a boyfriend?”

 

“When you are 25.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

Defiance

Attitude

Pouting.

 

So?

I change it around:

“well what if Mommy had a boyfriend?”

 

“Um…

I really don’t think that is going to happen.”

WHAT THE HELL

I mean it is not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

 

“Excuse me!”

“Why

Do

You

Say

That?”

 

“Well Mom… handsome boys don’t talk to you.”

 

GASP

 

“Well do ugly boys talk to me?”

 

“Mom NO…

No one

talks to you”

 

OMG…

If I were her teacher at school…

I would march her ass right to the principal’s office.

 

“Why do you think that is Landon?”

 

“Well you is always so busy…

Doing stuff for us.

They can’t even talk to you,

because you is all the time chasing me and Tenny.”

 

“Oh really?”

Translated…

No Shit Sherlock

 “Well how should this work ma’am?”

 

“Okay…

You meet him.

And you talk to him.

Then!

He asks you out Mama.

And you go.

Then you do it another time,

And he will adore you.

Then he will ask you to marry him.

And

Then?

We can gets a new house,

One without cracks in it …

our house was built in 1920…

There are a lot of cracks

in the house…

and my face 😦

AND

A

Bunny!”

And there you have it..

the logic of a 6 year old.

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2 Comments

Posted by on July 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

No End In Sight

This was my Friday – workiing…

Ring

Ring

12:13 p.m.

“This is the Y

And Tennyson is fine but…

She had purple sparkle nail polish

Which we didn’t know about

She and a friend were running outside

And collided?”

Seriously collided?

Is she a moving vehicle now?

“Well the nail polish was open and it got all over her face

We are trying to clean it now

But her face is a little splotchy.”

 

REALLY?

So there is no blood?

No broken skin?

Or broken bones?

Later lady.

 

CLICK

 

93 minutes pass

 

Ring

Ring

“This is the Y and Landon is fine.”

Oh goody.

“But we are going to the pool today

She said you did not pack her swimsuit and she is upset.”

Starting the engine

I drive to the Y

They are all doing crafts

Pre-pool

I know my 6 year old will be excited to see me.

 

And do you know  what?

She pops that little,

Hardly there hip,

To the right .

Plants her hand on it

And gives me the stink eye

SHE SO DID

 

She is mad because I forgot the bathing suit

NOT!

Happy I took time

Away from earning a damn living

To bring it to her.

UGH

 

So I drive back home

Work

Groceries

Pick the girls up

Get Tennyson – some purple on her face but nothing really alarming

Pick up Landon

 

She?

 

Has different clothes on.

“Landon?

Where are your clothes?”

“What clothes?”

Seriously child?

“Well… the ones you came to school in.”

 

“Oh them…

Um.

Um”

“Landon?  Your clothes. Where are they?”

“I don’t know”

“You do not know…

?

Where your clothes are.”

“No.”

OH MY GOD.

 

So I yell at her.

We are now down

1 towel

2 water bottles

2 pants

1 top

And

A Dress.

It?

Is JULY.

We have a month and a half to go.

 

And she starts to cry.

And her two little friends…

Give me the stink eye

Because I made my daughter cry.

 

And on the way home,

Landon tells me the Y camp is just so stressful for her.

There is so much going on,

And she cannot keep up with her things.

And then she hands me her glasses

 

The left nose pad is due West.

“Mom can you fix dese?”

“What happened to them?”

“Well… dis girl wanted to look at them,

And she bent them.”

Mommy now gives the stink eye.

 “WHO was it?”

“Who WAS it?”

“Who was IT?”

 

“Well…

I don’t know her name…

I think it was…

(looking up as if God will give her the answer)

Mascara.”

 

What in the hell?

 

“Landon your friend?

 who bent your glasses?”

“Your friend’s name

The one who broke your glasses…

Is MASCARA?”

“Yep.”

OMG OMG OMG

Steam is coming out of my ears…

and

nostrils.

 

We’re home.

I’m having a cocktail,

It’s Friday,

Screw it.

Sip

Sip

YUM

I hear the padding of little feet.

It is Landon …

Head hanging low.

“Mommy…

My friend who bent my glasses

Her name is not mascara.”

“Okay…

Is her name Landon?”

“Yes… I sorry Mommy.”

 

So there you have it.

The end of the week …

God help me!

There really is no end to our drama.

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2013 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting