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The Mounty … Revisited

11 Aug

Having just returned from a spa…

I am still percolating in the memories of pure relaxation.

 

I tried something called Shiatsu.

Do you know what that is?

 

In Japanese, it means “finger pressure”.

In English?

It is:

“heel is crotch massage”

 

OMG

 

My therapist was 6’2”, about 30 and quite handsome.

I really need this sort of massage from an ugly person.

Jis’ sayin’

Shiatsu1

There are a series of deep breaths.

Smell of lavender…

And then!

Knee in back and snap back the shoulders.

AHHHH!

 

 

And then a series of stretches so deep and successful?

I expect an invitation from Cirque de Soleil in 24 hours.

 

I literally know now…

What a chicken bone feels like,

As it is being split in two.

MOTHER OF GOD

 

“How does that feel?”

Are you kidding me?

My groin is split in two.

Your heel,

In need of some moisturizer and exfoliation…

Is now one with my “who ha”

OMG

50 minutes of this “treatment”.

Treat being the root word…

Meaning candy, flowers, jewelry or something in that genre.

Nada.

 

I walked with a limp out…

And remembered my experience two years ago with the Mounty…

And would like to re-share that.

 

The First Mounty (July 2011)

This time it was Oriental Foot Therapy.

Stephen walks in and he is yummy.  Fine looking young man.

FINE!!

 

I lie down.  He proceeds to tell me that he will also be doing a little Thai massage as well. ”

“ummmm ok”

 

I don’t know what this means but am all for something extra in a massage.

mounty

 

“okay Kelly..

.I will need to mount you”

 

SAY WHAT!!!

 

And with that we are one.

United on the massage table.

Me flat on my back…

He?

with his knee in my groin.

Ouch!!!!!

 

OMG.And then?

 

Pushing

Proding

Probing

 

All the while I am mounted.

 

I do not recall even getting his last name,

and have almost forgotten his first.

Normally when I am in this proximity of a person…

there has been an expensive meal…

or at least a nice cocktail.

 

Stephen is straddling me. OMG.  OMG.  OMG.

Is this legal?  Isn’t he violating some massage therapist oath or something?

“Kelly,  I am going to push on your femoral artery.

Don’t worry…

but it will completely cut off the blood flow to your legs.”

Raising my head off the futon:

“WHAT???”

“No worries, it takes over 2 minutes to cause any sort of permanent paralysis.”

 

WTF

 

What does cutting off my circulation have to do with my RELAXING foot massage?

His hands are on either side of my…

you know…

va jay jay!

He applies all his bodily force.

 

And with that I cannot speak…

or move.

And?

I cannot feel my legs. Then WOOSH!!!

He releases and there is a rush to my legs.  So much I thought I has just lost control of my bladder.

 

I have begun to perspire.

 

Then we move on to “massaging” my feet…

which I liken to getting caught in a bear trap.

It is as if he is a human vice grip…

And pissed at me!

 

Rubbing what seems to be brass knuckles across the bottom of my feet.

 

over

and

over

and

over

 

Next… the pinching.

He takes that back of my ankle and pinches.

pinch

pinch

pinch

I feel a tear forming.

And then?

 

I kicked him…

quite by accident.  I mean this is reflexology right?  He should understand a little involuntary movement right?

He was not amused. But seriously his nose only bleed a little tiny bit.

 

Stephen is about done… thank God.

He is finishing up telling me where each precise point on my foot is linked to an organ or system…

sleep and back pain,

then digestion.

Digging

Digging

Digging

He is.

 

He asks me of any final areas that need work…

legs?

abdomen?

I am afraid to mention any part of my body really.

 

And you know when you travel…

things don’t always flow correctly right?

the natural elimination process that is to say.

 

So how can I tell this little hottie?

 

Mama needs to poop.

 

 

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Posted by on August 11, 2013 in massage, Parenthood, Parenting, spa

 

Tags: , , ,

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