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Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Drill

Tennyson…

“Mama”

“Mama”

“MAMA!”

 

“Honey what?”

 

“Today at school…

We had a tomato drill.”

 

ACKKK!

 

SPIT!

 

SHIT…that is funny.

 

“Mommy…

dat not funny…

Tomatoes can kill sum peoples”

NO MORE SERIOUSLY!

I am going to pee in my pants.

 

“Mommy?”

 

“Yes”

 

“I hid in my locker…

And den I got stuck…

Da lady in da office had to gets me out.”

 

SNORT!

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I pray she is not psychic.

“Mommy…”

“Yes”

“I have a boyfriend,

his name is Joaquin,

he likes me.”

 

She?

is 6

Damnit.

 

“Oh…

I think I would like to meet his parents.”

“NO!

He likes me

But wants to keep it quiet.”

 

What the hell?

Is he married?

 

Walking out…

pondering what this declaration means.

 

“MOMMY!”

“What?”

“I think you are going to get a boyfriend and get married too.”

“OH?

What does he look like?”

“He has a mohawk.”

 

 

ACCCK!   BLATT!   ICK!

Say it ain’t so.

 
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Posted by on September 10, 2013 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Flashback

Walking in the kitchen,

Landon has a lemon and she is rubbing it on her face.

?

Tennyson…

also rubbing her face with a lemon.

? again

And then?

Crying when it gets in her eyes.

 

“Landon? What are you doing?”

“Mom!

You know that Jan Brady hated her freckles.

And I hate mine too.

See it is right there.”

 

“Landon, you have one tiny little freckle…

In fact…

I am not sure that is not chocolate”.

 

“I don’t care …

I don’t like it….

And Jan did this,

So I am going to do it.”

 

Parked in front of the mirror…

Waiting

Waiting.

“Mom…

Something is wrong with this lemon…

It is not working!”

Tennyson…

“mine not wor’ing eder”

Now why does my 6 year old know about…

A 1970’s TV show?

Because!

We own it.

All of it.

The series.

And you need to get it too.

 

Here is why.

They do not say bad words.

Not even stupid.

There is no sex.

No cheating on spouses.

 

They just live in their little bubble world.

And I don’t worry…

That if I go throw in a load of clothes,

Someone will call their brother a F*cking idiot.

Or that some nutbag will walk by and blow the head off an innocent stranger.

I love it.

 

I do…

however…

worry…

that …

the girls will have a strong urge to spend their allowance…

 on gold shag carpet.

Or invest in yellow bell bottoms.

Or question why Mike’s lapels are large enough to land a small airplane on.

Or that the girls will be lulled in to a coma…

With Mike’s pontification and pandering.

Some of Mike’s best:

Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you’re really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you’re just telling them that you’re a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell?

Whatever Dad?

Us Bradys have to stick together, or we’ll fall apart. Much like that house of cards. You see, a deck consists of 52 cards, and if the hearts didn’t work with the diamonds and the spades with the clubs, then how the heck would we ever play a game of Gin Rummy? So, in keeping with the spirit of togetherness, I’m sure you kids know the right thing to do.

What the hell?

Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what’s on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you’re not only judging yourself you’re judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment.

WTF!

So get yourself The Brady Bunch.

But be prepared for trick questions…

Like…

“Mommy why does Mrs. Brady sleep in a full face of makeup…

 AND a pouffy hair do.”

 

And while you are at it…

Pick up the Partridge family…

The one with Bobby Sherman…

Before he was a paramedic.

YUM!

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2013 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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