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Monthly Archives: January 2014

A Little Privacy Please

At the end of the day…

There are few things

More relaxing

Than my evening bath.

Screw you Monday

Screw you Monday!

Frequently short lived…

Perpetually interrupted…

And ALWAYS the water is cold.

 Because I got side tracked on the latest girl drama,

OR

the girls used it all while washing Ariel’s hair.

So Monday night

Very long day

Landon asks:

“can we watch that show…

Where that lady she bees getting in trouble All the time…

The one before they had crayons?”  

Care to guess what it is?

No not Phineas and Ferb…

I Love Lucy  

Our new/old favorite  

Both girls are watching Lucy,

try to get on Ricky’s show…

For the 42nd time  

 

Sinking in to my D-stressing pool…

Pad

Pad

Pad

Barge IN!

“Mommy?

You cares if I comes in here with you?

Don’t worry…

I not gonna look at your boobs.”  

 

ACCKKK

“But Mommy….

I do think you should wash dem.”  

 

OMG

… Leave “dem” alone

 
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Posted by on January 29, 2014 in Bedtime

 

Sticking It To Me

 

Tennyson got out early last Friday.

Ugh!

 

We went to get lunch at Panera.

Because we love ourselves some mac and cheese.

YUMMERS!

 

The parking lot for these upper scale fast food places is like a stock show in Texas…

MADNESS!

 

I find a primo spot

Waiting for the lady to fix her lipstick

Before she moves her ass out of my way

And

BAM!

DAMNIT! 

“What was that?”

 

Tennyson:

“dat ugly man dere jis hit your car.”

 

She was right.

He backed directly in to my car.

And then he got out of his car and said

“sorry bout that”

like he just dropped my banana.

 

REALLY?

 

That is all you can say.

You leave my Mommy alone! 

Tennyson said to him:

“why you gots dat stick in your mouth?

(It was?

A cigarette

at almost 5 she has not ever seen…

A real…

live…

cigarette.)

 

And then she said to him:

“dat is so skusting you bees going around hitting my Mommy’s car”

 

I was nice and told him I knew he didn’t mean to,

BUT

I would need him to fix it.

 

He handed me his insurance card with all of his contact information:

Mason Justice

(Seriously???)

 

I read the back of the Geico card.

Care to guess the first thing you are to do?

 

Call  9-1-1?

No

Check the safety of all involved?

No

Move vehicles from intersection?

No

 

Do Not Admit Guilt

Shit you not,

that?

is what it said.

 

Followed by:

“do not share your liability limits”.

 

The last thing on the card was…

 Call 9-1-1

 

And now

I deal w/ Mason

And Geico…

And hope we have a happy outcome.

 

Or…

I will send Tennyson to kick his ass.

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 22, 2014 in Misbehaving, Parenting

 

The Cold Hard Truth

My girls…

Never seem to listen

When I want them to.

But let me say something I don’t want them to hear,

Like,

I can’t stand Alison down the street

Or

Damn

And they totally hear that.

 

SO

 

“Mom…

You have too much makeup today,

You look like that lady on TV,

The one you said had flu season.”

Mama... is that you?

Mama… is that you?

Of all the nerve!

 

And that is NOT what I said…

I said…

She looked like a floozy.

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2014 in Makeup, Misbehaving

 

South of the Mason Dixon Line

 

There are things you do not want to hear

or know about,

From your family.

Your kids.

And certainly your mother.

Especially when you mother is Southern.

 

When your mama is Southern…

all comments come with a tinge of judgement.

It is not intended you see.. 

Just a consequence of being born and raised,

 south of the Mason Dixon line.

 

Such as:

 

“Kelly Lynn!” 

 “What?”

 

“What is wrong with Landon’s shoes?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well they look awful…

Like she drug her feet out of from underneath the car.”

 

What?

are you like the Flintstones now?

 

“Mom, she wears them everyday.”

 

“Well I swainee, I never seen such a thing…

that is a crime…

a real disgrace.”

 

ACCCCKKK!

ACCCCKKK!

 

So over the holidays

My mom was here.

 

And one day…

She said:

 

“Kelly Lynn!

 

 Kelly Lynn!!!

can you hear me over the racket.”

(the racket?

was…

Kathie Lee and Hoda)

 

 

“I think George is horny”

(George is a cat)

 

OMG

does she even know what that means?

 

If I do not answer…she will stop, right?

 

“Kelly Lynn!

Can’t you here me talkin’ a’ you?

George is makin’ dough on Clooney

(other cat)

And looking at her.

He is rubbin’ all over her.

I think he wants to get him some.”

 

ACCKKKKK!

 

You might want to do something about that.”

First…

 

Both cats are basically androgynous at this point

so not likely the issue.

 

 Secondly…

 

What could I possibly do to “do something”?

 

Ah yes…

 

I know.

 

 DRINK

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 11, 2014 in Parenthood, Parenting, Southern

 

Holiday Wishes

For those our family missed over the holidays, I am posting our annual holiday letter.

We hope you enjoy and that your 2014 is AMAZING!!

*******************************************************************************************************************

Happy Everything Everyone!

 

It’s me, Landon, again with the Ozley Christmas letter.  I told Tennyson that she could write this when I go off to college.   She was eating so she didn’t care.

 

We have been doing great.  I am in the first grade now, which Mom says means I think I am a Mensa member and that she has morphed into a moron.

 

Tennyson is 4 3/4 and in preschool.  She is going to be taller than me soon. Mom said that means I will get her hand-me-downs.  Um…I don’t think so.

 

Our kitty Clyde died in April.  He was 14 and his heart just stopped.  We all cried and cried, Mommy especially.   But we got another kitty.  Mommy named him George.  So we have George and Clooney now.   At night, Mommy says “George Clooney come to bed” and giggles.

 

Tennyson crawled in to Mommy’s bed a few days ago, because she saw a mon’ser.  Mommy didn’t see her come in, so when she woke up she screamed like there was no Santa.  It was so funny.  Tenny said “Mom… is f**k a bad word?”  Mommy screamed again and said “um… yes it is… where did you hear it?”   Tenny told her Emma said it and told her to say it to Mommy… to see if she liked it.  Mommy cancelled Emma’s playdate the next day.

 

I am taking art at school and have gotten very good with my pastels.    I put all my art together in a sale “piktours by Landon”.  I gave Mommy one of a daw-fin.   She said “Wow… that is great, thank you.” I told her “that will be $4.99.” 

 

Mommy has a new job.  She works for Microsoft Corporation and is so excited.   She and IBM got a divorce after 14 years.  Mom’s new job is to meet with customers and then make them buy her stuff so she can pay for our house.     It’s a good thing Mommy got the job at Microsoft, because we are going to need a discount on an XBOX soon.

Mommy’s favorite place on earth is Nordstrom’s.  Mine is Chuck E Cheese.  Mommy likes it too because whenever we go she says “God help me”.  Mom said  her new job requires her to have new clothes.  Her Nordstrom catalog came and Mommy circled things on EVERY SINGLE page – some of them was not even clothes… it was MEN!    I told her I found some nice boob holders for her in that Nordstrom book.   She spit her wine out. 

 

We are happy.  We are healthy.  And we love each other.  Mom says that is kind of all we need.  So the Ozley girls hope 2013 ends with much joy and 2014 brings you all of your dreams.  And Mommy says for those of you who are Moms… her wish for you is just ONE uninterrupted phone conversation (like that is going to happen).

 

Landon, Tennyson, and Mommy

 
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Posted by on January 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

It Is All About You Mom

Forgive me folks…

it has been a while.

I changed companies after 15 years.

BIG DAMN DEAL

… it really was.

 

But!

I WILL

do better

now.

 

 

It is Sunday night. 

The girls are in bed—

Asleep

Well…

One is.

 

It is always a “one is”

One is always fighting it…

Or in need of:

Water

A hug

A kiss

A kiss and a hug

Me to get in their bed

Water with ice

Water with No ice

Cereal

A blanket

All of the above

 

I am washing clothes

LOTS of them

Because we like to wear things

And dip the sleeves in hot chocolate

Or catsup

So we wear 2-3 outfits per day

Per child

 

I am passing through the hall

and hear:

“whoever you are…

GET OUT!

You!

Just

Get

Out!

You do not belong here.”

 

“Landon?

To whom are you speaking?”

 

“Oh are you here?”

 

What the hell.

Am I here?

No I am down at the local pub.

Dewars rocks lemon twist please.

YUM!

 

“Why are you awake?

And to whom are you speaking?”

 

“I heared something”

 

“I am washing clothes honey.”

 

“oh then it was you.”

 

I thought someone was breaking in our house.”

 

“Oh honey…

Were you worried about Mommy?”

 

“No…

I thought they was going to take the IPAD.”

 

Seriously??

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2014 in Misbehaving, Parenting