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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Vitamin D

Are you aware "mother" that the sun has powerful growth properties?

Are you aware “mother” that the sun has powerful growth properties?

“MOM!”

    “Yes?”

 “Did you know that the sun is good for you?

It has bunches of Vitamins,

like D”

 

 “I did know that”

so glad she is paying attention at school

 

“Mom, you must have been inside for a while.”

 

 

 “What!”

 

“I mean you hasn’t had much sun,

because you are not big.”

 

“I beg your pardon.

I am 5’3″

That is petite-ish”

 

“Mom,

I am jis sayin’

All the other dads are bigger than  you

And most of the moms!”

 

Hmpf!

 

“Well!”

Honey do you know what that means?

 

“no?”

 

“Your mother is here to tell you.

It merely means…”

 

hand on hip

pivot

and

turn

 

“That they will have farther to fall when they trip on your toys.”

 

toy mess2

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 26, 2014 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Uncategorized

 

The Test Drive

The weekends are hard sometimes.

During the week,

There is the distraction of

School

Work

Routine

 

Weekends,

While somewhat scheduled,

Are a bit more random.

 

This weekend, I took the girls to look at cars.

I just feel like I need a bigger car.

Let me tell you the Lexus dealership…

Will

NEVER

be the same.

 

I wanted to test drive something,

With the girls .

The true test of…

Function and durability.

 

Marshall is assigned to us.

Lovely man

Handsome

And sharp dressed.

 

Has three sisters

A wife

Two daughters

And grandchildren

He?

Is used to the drama.

 

Marshall is explaining about the V8 capabilities

“You can off road…”

Like that is going to happen…

 

“Marshall…

There are a few things that are critical”

 

“Oh…Okay”

 

“Cupholders”

 

“You?

Are concerned about the cupholders?”

 

“Well I need to check how many there are,

And their durability.”

 

He?

Thinks I am crazy.

 

“Well what are you going to put in them?”

 

“Marshall, it is not what we are going to put in them.

It is what we are going to do to them.

We are going to shove Barbie’s in them

Slam them in hard

Smack our iPad’s  on them.

And probably use them to hold indelible markers.” 

 

Marshall?

is frightened.

 

“And Marshall?

I need to be able to get 3 booster seats across the back seat”

 

“I thought you have 2 kids”

 

“I do” 

“Are you going to have more?”

 

“God no!”

 

“sometimes we have to take other kids with us…

For playdates and the like.”

 Tennyson:  “Except for Sarah… she says bad words.”

 

“oh okay”

 

Time for the test drive.

I have three car seats with me.

 3721347968_1df660036d

I sit in the third one …

Just to see if it works.

At 5’3” I am a tight squeeze ,

but am in.

 

Confirming that will work,

I proceed to test drive the vehicle.

 

Landon has gotten in my purse.

“Mommy what is this?”

 

“Hair spray…

NO! No! Don’t spray that in this  new car”

 

Marshall, while a black man…

Now has white knuckles.

 

“Mom!

Mom!”

 

“What?”

 

“Give this to Mr. Marshall”

 

It?

Is a note.

“I think you are cute.”

Tee hee

Giggle

Giggle

Snort

Chortle

 

More paper

Frantic writing

 

“MOM!”

“what is it?

You are going to make me wreck this car.”

 

Marshall?

Now is draining of all color.

 

Another note…

“I love you…

And I still think you are cute.”

 

Really?

 

“Mom!”

WHAT DO YOU NEED NOW?

WHAT DO YOU NEED NOW?

“OH! MY! GOD!

what is it?”

 

“I LOVE this car….

We has gots to have it.”

 

I proceed to tell her that she sucks at negotiation.

 

Tennyson is WAY too quiet.

Still worried about her sister’s flirtations,

I check in with Tenny.

 

“Tennyson …

What are you doing back there?”

Nothing.

 

“Tenny?”

 

“TENNY? Can you say something?”

 

“Okay…

Stinky butt”

 

Nice.

Classy.

That’s us.

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2014 in Misbehaving, Painting, Parenthood

 

V Day

Today is Valentine’s Day.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

To celebrate Valentines Day

with small children is?

Complicated.

 

So for today, we had to have:

Valentines for 2 children — 24 each

With candy

not with nuts

nut manufactured in a plant that has nuts

is near nuts

or is nut inclined

WTF

 

Then we cannot just put our valentines in a Ziploc bag

or even Target bag.

 

God No!

 

We must make a celebratory box,

 

Decorated in:

marker

crayon

stickers

and

calligraphy

Echo’ing my WTF

 

Then!

Next?

Special

custom

valentines for the teachers.

2 per child.

  OMG

I am raising two kids on my own

trying to keep my ass in shape

read all assignments

do all homework

make homemade meals

keep my job

and be somewhat balanced.

 And then!

Tennyson’s teacher asks,

 

not to me…

to Tenny.

“did we remember our 100 things

to celebrate our 100th day at school this year?”

F**K No.

We! did not remember our 100 things.

And when people say “did we?”

that means did your slack ass mom.

There is no we.

Why don’t you just take my last 100 nerves

because you have just plucked the last one.

 

Is it me?

I really think they expect too much

too much for anyone to do.

  EXCEPT

Except for Mary Beth Fulmer

Her husband is an attorney.

She is a stay at home mom.

To NO ONE.

There is NO ONE at her house.

Not even a dog.

*** no offense to any stay at home moms ***

 

She is dressed to the 9’s.

Botox’d to a degree that?

she is permanently ecstatic.

Screw You Mary Beth

Screw You Mary Beth

 

She walks in

with a tray full of personally decorated cupcakes

confetti sprinkles as a base.

Each cupcake decorated with a different child’s name.

And a full face of makeup.

 

I HATE HER

I hope she falls and cracks her face.

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2014 in Parenthood, Parenting

 

The Boyfriend

 

“Mommy?”

 

“Yes Tenny?”

 

“I has a new boyfriend.”

 

“You do?  Who is it?”

 

“Justin Beaver”

 

“Justin Bieber?

Are you serious?

He is a trainwreck honey.”

“I loves him Mommy…

you so mean to me”

 

“Honey really?

can’t we pick a better choice?

what about Sam in your class?”

 

“No I WANT Justin Beaver!

Can I send him a card?

Tells him I loves him?

How I do dat?”

 

“Well Mommy will have to look up his address in jail?”

 

“MOMMY!

LANDON… Mommy put Justin Beaver in jail.”

But Mom... I loves him.

But Mom… I loves him.

Good Lord.

 

100 years ago when I was in love with Donny Osmond,

you didn’t worry about this crap.

Only a possible fight over hair products and bell bottoms.

 

🙂

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 10, 2014 in Parenthood, Parenting

 

The Eyes Have It

It is night time…

My favorite time of the day.

I crawl in to the top bunk,

For a quick snuggle.

 

The conversation progresses

In to the challenges of a seven year old…

“Mommy today they was out of chocolate milk at school… I was so mad.”

“I told Brady I didn’t like him any more and he didn’t need to mess with me.”

“Mom…

Hannah said her Mommy was glad her dad had a trip to Hot Lanta.”

And the like.

 

Time for me to shimmy down…

As I prepare to dismount,

I sit on something hard.

Hmmm…

 

A book.

One Fish

Two Fish

Red Fish

Blue Fish

 

“Landon what is this?”

               

                “A book Mom”

 

“I know that…”

                “well then why did you ask me?”

 

DAMNIT

 

“Landon what is this book doing here…

  Were you going to read it?”

 

                “Oh no ma’am…

                No Ma’am!”

 

                “I was just going to look at the pictures.”

 

“You!

Are

Not.”

 

                “But Mom…

                I needs it.”

 

“You do not needs it.”

 

                “Mom…

I am scared I am going to have a nightmare…

                So I needs to look at the book.”

 

“Landon how is looking at rainbow colored fish going to stop you from having a nightmare?

 

“Now go to bed.”

 don't want to go

                “MOM! … You are so mean to me.”

 

Walking out not at all moved by that little performance.

 

“MOM!”

 

“Honey what IS it?”

 

                “How did you find my book?”

 

“Mom’s have eyes in the back of their heads.”

 

I will go straight to hell for that one,

but my mom told me the same lie,

so I will have company.

                “Oh…

where did you get them?”

“God”

               

“When will I get eyes in the back of my head?”

 

“When you have your own children.”

 

“NOW

GO

TO

BED!”

 

phyllis